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Reject Reality: Embrace the Absurd
I am but mad north by northwest...
Fast Times at NAMBLA High: Part 10 (C) 
23rd-Apr-2007 07:59 pm
Aretha Putin
New journal layout! Woo!!

Title: Fast Times at NAMBLA High: Part Ten (C)
Author: Your’s truly
Fandom: The Daily Show... with a smattering of guest appearances.
Pairing: Including but not limited to:
Jon/Stephen, Stephen/Paul, Stephen/Craig Kilborn, Jon/Anderson Cooper, Paul/Amy, Rob/Frustration, Ed/Confusion, (Rob/Frustration)/(Ed/Confusion), Mo Rocca/Lewis Black, Sam/Jason, Demetri Martin/Nathan Corddry, Bob Novak/Hair nets, Aasif Mandvi/Tucker Carlson, Stone Phillips/Barbara Walters, Dan Bakkedahl/Rob Riggle, Dane Cook/His ego, Dave Gorman/John Oliver, Jerry Seinfeld/Steve Carell, Bill O’Reilly/Hatred, Keith Olbermann/Everyone, John Hodgeman/Bill Gates, Tucker/Craig, Aasif/Anderson, John Hodgeman/Sarah Vowell, Will Ferrell/MOP?, Keith/Dennis Leary, George Clooney/Charm
Featured pairing(s): Jerry/Steve, Dave/John, Amy/Stephen, Tina/Jon… etc
Rating: R or really light NC-17 *runs and hides*
Warning: Crack: it's what's for dinner. Other warnings: AU, drug use, underage drinking, het crap, and Will Ferrell being creepy. For this specific chapter? Sort of het, puking, and sexy things.
A/N: Sorry for the delay in getting this chapter out. Life has continued to be psycho and I’m pretty much on an opposite-from-healthy sleep cycle. Anyway, I still feel that I blow at writing smut so here’s hoping ya’ll like it! Hooray.
Length: 6252
Feedback: Feedback helps my crack addiction. Give generously.
Previous chapters:
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Four Point Five: An Interlude of sorts
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten (A)
Chapter Ten (B)
Summary: OMG! ANOTHER NEW SUMMARY??? *is intrigued*

It's like a high school fic that isn't lame and is all cracky and shit. Read it.
~An annonymous reader who I totally didn't make up.


In this edition of FTANH: Kelly Clarkson songs are butchered, fights break out, cameos abound, and cars = sexy?

Part Ten (C)


“My God,” Jerry breathed, downing another beer. “They’re horrible. Just… just horrible.”

“Huh,” John muttered, smiling slightly and glancing at Dave from under his eyelashes while the other man practically dry-humped Steve on the stage where they shared a microphone. “That’s all you have to say about it? I’d expect a more drawn-out, sarcastic remark from you.”

“That’s… that’s how bad it is,” Jerry said, mouth agape in wonder. “I’m literally in awe of how horrible they are. I’m speechless, that’s the extent of the horribleness.”

I never wanna hear you say
I just wanna be witchooo!
I just wanna… hear… that… way…

John laughed outright at the grimace on Jerry’s face. “Well, at least Steve’s not sad anymore.”

“I don’t think Steve’s anything right now,” Jerry reasoned, shaking his head. “I think he completely drank away any feeling he had left in his body, both physical and emotional.”

John frowned a bit, though his expression brightened as Dave took a tie that he had miraculously acquired and tied it around Steve’s head. John didn’t even know this bar had karaoke, but the other Brit had convinced the bartender to drag out the old equipment and hook it up… hence the lovely rendition of the Kelly Clarkson song currently serenading them.

His face suddenly matched the grimace on Jerry’s own as the two hit some sort of note that John wasn’t sure was within the human capacity to sing. Luckily most of the bar had cleared out, those remaining watching in amusement as his two friends made complete asses of themselves. In spite of his bitching, even Jerry seemed to be enjoying himself. John knew that Steve’s change in spirit made him feel better, even if he acted like he didn’t really care all that much. The two were closer than they let on.

“John!” He was suddenly being ambushed as two arms were thrown about him. “John, how were we? How were we? JOHN?” He fought a laugh as Dave exhaled the series of beery sentences into his face.

“JOOOOOHN!” Steve practically yelled, apparently sans-tie now. John wondered vaguely where it could have gotten to. “Jooooohn! Johnny! The John Meister! Mister John John John-NAY!”

When both had stilled, John smiled lightly and tilted his head. “Yes?” he asked calmly.

“JOHN!” Steve yelled again, causing Dave to giggle and fall into him.

“John, he knows music,” he whispered in a conspiratorial tone to the other very drunk man.

Steve wagged his head. “Yeah, man, I KNOW. Cuz Johnny… HE’S THE MAN! JOHNNY! WOO! OLIVER! YEAH!”

Both of Jerry’s eyebrows seemed permanently stuck somewhere in his hairline. “Well, you two are impressive,” he smirked, looking highly amused.

“JERRY!” Steve fell into him. “Jer-ray! Jerrrrraaaaaay!” He paused and shook his head, looking blearily from Jerry to John. “John. Hit me.”

“What?” the other man asked, feeling bewildered.

“Hit. ME.”

“Um… no?”

Steve waved a dismissing hand and looked at Jerry challengingly, as if he wasn’t currently using his friend as his main means of support. “Jerry’ll do it. Right? Right Jer-ray?”

“Uh… I don’t know…”

“Come on man!” Steve shook his head as if what he was asking was the most normal thing in the world. “It’ll be… you’re cool! You’ll do it! Try, come on.”

“Steve… I don’t know if that’s…”


“Fine!” Jerry yelled, stifling a laugh. “God.” He looked his friend up and down, as if sizing him up. “Where should I hit you?”

Steve crinkled his brow before staring down at his body. “Uh… my chest.”

Jerry frowned and peered at Steve. “Your chest? Are you sure?”

“Yes!” Steve practically yelled, looking annoyed. “Are you done being a pussy now?”

As an answer, Jerry leveled a fist in direct contact with Steve’s solar plexus. John winced as Steve let out a groan, then a laugh, before falling to his knees. He was soon curled up into a ball and gasping for breath while giggling hysterically.

“Oh my God,” Jerry breathed, looking horrified. He glanced to John for help, but the Brit just shook his head in disappointment.

“What were you thinking was going to happen?” he admonished while rolling his eyes.

Jerry didn’t answer but instead just said, “Oh my God,” again. Dave was hiding a smirk behind his hand and looking down at Steve in interest.

“You alright there, mate?” he asked, a smile tinting his voice. Steve just giggled again.

Jerry dropped down into a squat and touched his friend’s shoulder. “Oh my God, did I actually hurt you?”

Face bright red, Steve gasped and said, “Never let this man hit you! He punches like a GIRL!”

Dave broke out into laughter before burying his head into John’s shoulder as Jerry’s frown deepened. “That’s why you’re on the floor then, I suppose? My girly punching?”

Steve nodded, finally seeming to catch his breath. “And now,” he declared, slowly getting back into a sitting position and, with the help of Jerry, standing, “I have to go puke. Excuse me.”

As the other man suddenly bolted, the three were left there staring at where he had disappeared to.

“Well,” Jerry remarked gravely, “I suppose I should go and help him, seeing as I’m the one who sparked this puking episode.” He gave a slight nod to the two Brits. “Gentlemen.”

Dave giggled into John’s shoulder as Jerry made his exit. The warm breath exhaled into the cloth of his shirt made him shiver and he sent a slight smile his friend’s way. “You alright?”

Dave rolled his head so he was looking up into his eyes. “Yes,” he sighed, looking very content with his drooping lids and drunken breath. “I like your friends.”

“Well, I’m willing to wager they like you as well,” John said amiably, smile widening.

Dave yawned slightly. “I’m glad.”

“Want to go soon?” John asked, feeling for all the world like a mother hen.

“What, are you driving me?” Dave retorted, sounding highly amused.

“Oh, you think you’re in a place to drive yourself?” John shot back.

“Well, I was just concerned that you were going to try and take advantage of me,” Dave stated flippantly, finally sitting back up on his stool and leaving John’s shoulder cold. He tried to fight down a frown at the loss of contact.

“Yes, well, I think you have nothing to fear in that department,” he replied nonchalantly, taking a sip from his beer and raising his eyebrows.

“Oh, really?” Dave leaned over, a lecherous grin on his face. “I beg to differ.”

Feeling his face flush, John smirked and looked away. “You’re insufferable.”

“And you,” Dave replied, “find it intoxicating.”

“Yes, if by ‘intoxicating’ you mean—"

“Hey!” A new voice jolted them out of their banter. “You two fags or what?”

Dave’s face darkened in a way that made John’s stomach turn as he slowly got to his feet and turned to face the red-faced man before them. John hastily followed suit to stand behind Dave, lightly putting his hand on his shoulder. “Dave… I wouldn’t…”

“And if we were?” he was already retorting, cutting off John’s placation. “Last I checked, this is a free country.”

“No thanks to you British faggots!” was the drunken reply.

Dave’s brow furrowed. “That doesn’t even make any sense, mate! You’re obviously piss-drunk so let’s just…”

“I saw you getting all frisky with your boyfriend!”

“And?” Dave demanded haughtily. “Did you get jealous or summat?”

With that, Dave was being shoved and John, in an act of sheer stupidity, stepped between the two of them.

“Hey!” he shouted, trying to put a placating hand on the man’s shoulder. “Don’t go and do something you might—"

But then his world exploded into a shower of stars and darkness soon followed.


“Better?” Jerry asked lightly after the retching in the stall before him had ceased.

The answer he received was an odd gurgling noise.

“Should I take that as a, ‘yes Jerry, thank you so kindly for being concerned about my welfare’?”

“No,” Steve finally answered before flushing the toilet. “You should take that as a, ‘fuck off, you smug bastard.’”

“Aw,” Jerry sighed, feigning sadness, “and here I thought I wasn’t being smug at all.”

“Again,” Steve groaned. “Fuck off.”

“I’m choosing to believe that you don’t mean that,” the other man chuckled, knocking the door with his foot.

There was a moment of silence before Steve murmured unsteadily, “Did… did I make you… punch me?”

“Yeah, like ten minutes ago,” Jerry laughed. “Did you already forget?”

“No, I just seem to have puked out some of the crazy that got in my… brain.”

Jerry paused and mulled this over but decided to not press the issue. “So, seriously, are you alright?”

“Yeah,” Steve muttered, finally kicking the door open and crawling out. Jerry grimaced.

“Hey, come on,” he murmured, helping his friend to his feet. “That floor is filthy.” He paused while Steve got his footing, both of his smaller hands gripping at Jerry’s elbows as the shorter man leaned into him heavily. Jerry tried not to feel awkward, hefting him up and smiling haltingly down at his friend.

“Hey,” Steve suddenly blurted out, “thanks man. For um… you know… being cool tonight. And shit. Yeah.”

Jerry’s smile became genuine as Steve blinked hazily. “No problemo,” he chuckled. “You’d do the same for me.”

Steve’s face seemed to clear for a moment and Jerry became uncomfortable again as he was looked upon with more and more purpose, a strange ambiguous air hanging between them. But then the moment was gone as they heard the strains of John’s voice followed by a crash from the outside.

“Shit,” Jerry murmured and the two bolted to the door. The scene before them was an odd one. Three men stood above a fallen John, who was apparently unconscious. Dave began pushing one of the men, looking irate and shouting in his face. Jerry was still standing in shock when an unearthly battle cry emanated from Steve and suddenly the space next to him was empty.

Shit,” Jerry sighed again, only this time a bit more vehemently as Steve launched himself onto the back of who appeared to be John’s attacker. The two other men began to pull at Steve and soon there was a flurry of activity as Dave reinserted himself into the fray. Sighing once more, Jerry leapt into action and rushed towards the fight.

Once he was close enough, he grabbed at one of Steve’s arms. “Hey!” he yelled at the group. “Break it up! Break it up!” Seeing as no one was listening to him, he dropped to his knees and dragged John away from all the failing limbs. “John,” he called, patting his friend’s face. “John! Hey, can you hear me? Hello?”

John’s eyes fluttered eyes a bit before they opened and looked up at Jerry in confusion. “Wha… what happened?”

Ka-chink BOOM!

Both men jumped at the sudden noise and looked up in shock. The fighting men had all halted too as a stocky older gentleman faced them all with a rather large rifle.

“Now,” the man said calmly in a western accent. “I think that’s enough of that.” He slowly lowered the weapon, the faint smoke still wafting from the barrel. Jerry just gaped. “Now, Doocy, I think you best let that young man go.” The man who had punched John carefully released Steve who smirked at him in defiance. “And Hannity, perhaps bitin’ someone ain’t the best way to be dealin’ with a problem.” Relaxing his jaw, the other man let go of Dave’s arm. “And Colmes… now, I would just expect better from you.” The third man hung his head in shame. “Well,” the old, mustachioed man sighed sadly, “I’m gonna have to ask ya’ll to leave since ya caused such a raucous.”

“But… but…” Colmes interjected, looking crestfallen.

“Now, now,” the older man replied gruffly. “Ya’ll know the rules. Doocy started the fight, yer all banned now.” All three men started to object, but the old man just raised his hands to silence them. “I don’t want no more trouble now,” he said reasonably, though there was a bit of a threat in his voice. “Lest I gotta set Killer on ya.” The rather large and intimidating bartender appeared behind him. “Now get.”

Without another word, the three men bolted, leaving Steve and Dave standing with John and Jerry on the floor.

“Um…” Jerry began lamely, getting to his feet as Dave bent to help John up. “Thanks Mister…?”

“Brimley,” the old man supplied, outstretching a weathered hand. “But ya’ll can call me Wilford.”


Jon flicked the last bit of his cigarette, partly in disgust, partly out of frustration, and stomped his feet in order to ward off the cold that had seemed to settle over everything. The beginnings of fall were in the air, making everything damp and cool. Taking a deep breath, he glanced back at the door to the party and shook his head, debating whether or not he should try to venture inside again.

Suddenly the door swung open, blinding him slightly as the light from within framed a figure standing there.

“Isn’t it a bit cold to be brooding outside?” the figure called. The voice was female and, as Jon’s eyes adjusted, he smiled up at her.

“Yeah, well, didn’t want to bring down the mood in there.”

Tina smiled and dropped into a sitting position on the steps. “Aw, come on. You wouldn’t bring down the mood. Maybe just add a little bit of an emo-ambience.”

Jon snorted and shook his head, looking back up at the open door. “It is cold.”

Tina’s smile grew and she nodded patiently. “Yes, it is indeed. Wanna venture back inside?”

Sighing, Jon shrugged. “I guess. I just hope I don’t make a huge ass of myself.” He paused before amending, “Again.”

Laughing, Tina stood up and waited as Jon joined her. “You didn’t look like an ass,” she said reasonably. “Just really, horribly gay. And, following my normal trend, I found it insanely attractive.”

Jon paused at the door before barking out a laugh. “Oh, really? Well, I guess I’ll have to do the gay thing more often.”

Tina smirked at him before rolling her eyes when she had to shove through the throng of people. “I don’t think you’d have any trouble getting Stephen to agree.” Jon just smiled but she turned to him seriously once they had found a clear spot and leaned towards him. “He likes you.”

Jon raised an eyebrow to mirror Tina’s own. “Oh, really? Well, I do declare. Lucky me.” He shoved his hands in his pockets as Tina shook her head.

“No, I really think he does,” she insisted, a mischievous glint in her eye. “I mean, he practically made out with you.”

“What can I say,” Jon shrugged, smirking and itching for another cigarette. “Short Jews are all the rage. We’re pocket-sized… easily fit into overhead compartments… the works. We’re a hot commodity.” Not only would a cigarette be great at the moment, but so would another beer. Jon’s buzz was decidedly wearing off.

“Oh, speak of the devil,” Tina muttered conspiratorially when Stephen suddenly appeared a few yards away, dragging an obviously inebriated Amy with Paul helping him. “God,” Tina giggled derisively, “that is such a threesome waiting to happen.”

Jon gave her a side-long glance and raised an eyebrow. “Seriously?”

“Yeah,” Tina snorted. “Those three… well, Amy and Paul are definitely interested in each other. Stephen’s… well… Stephen. Who the hell can tell who he’s interested in?”

Jon was about to ask what that meant when the three they were watching were ambushed by a blond girl who advanced upon Paul. “Uh oh,” Jon murmured. “Looks like trouble.” They watched as Paul was dragged away and heard Amy shout something about syphilis before being hauled away by Stephen.

Tina tugged on his shirtsleeve. “I wanna see what happens,” she whispered, looking devious.

Jon nodded absently and let himself get led to where they could see the pair again. “What’s he saying?” he asked quietly, leaning into Tina.

“I don’t know,” she murmured. “I don’t want to get in any closer or else they might… oh my God.”

Oh my God indeed, Jon thought, his mouth falling open as Amy yanked Stephen into a kiss. “Wait… are they…”

“No,” Tina cut him off in a hushed whisper, “they’re not together. Oh my God.”

In a reaction most endearing, Stephen seemed to be opting to just look as awkward as possible, his hands stuck almost straight out at his sides and bending at an odd angle to accommodate Amy’s shorter stature. But then something changed and Jon felt a strange heat somewhere in his chest as the taller boy melted forward a bit, hands flowing into Amy’s hair and onto her waist. He combed his fingers there slightly and seemed to now be stretching Amy in order to accommodate himself. Jon felt an odd flutter go through him, the phantom memory of Stephen’s hand ghosting through his own hair. He felt the stir of worry in his stomach at the sensation but was drawn back in as Amy responded, moving even further forward. Stephen’s hand was moving to the small of her back and…

“Shit.” Tina’s exhalation broke Jon from his trance.

“What?” he asked before seeing the object of her distress.

Paul was standing there.

Jon supposed the only way to really describe him was crestfallen. He had an odd combination of confusion, hurt, and sadness of on his face that made Jon’s heart go out to him. He must of made a noise at that moment because Stephen was looking up and, looking horrified, he jumped from Amy as if he had been burned.

But Paul no longer had the sad look on his face… now he just looked angry. He spat something at the two of them before stalking off, leaving Stephen looking broken. Jon and Tina stayed still in silence as he watched the two left exchange a few heated words before Stephen went off in the direction Paul had disappeared to.

“Wow,” Tina finally said, once they had both made their way away from the spectacle.

“Yeah,” Jon muttered. “Wow.” He felt strangely deflated, like the wind had just been knocked out of him.

“Well,” Tina sighed, finally looking at him. “That was depressing.”

Jon said nothing for a moment before breaking out into giggles. “Want to get something more to drink? I suddenly feel the urge to get drunk again.”

“Sure,” she smiled. “I’ll have a beer.”

“By ‘do you want something to drink,’ I obviously meant, ‘come and get a drink with me.’” At the unchanged look on Tina’s face, he sighed in defeat. “Fine, fine. You just better be here when I get back.”

“You can count on it,” Tina offered with an exaggerated wink.

With that, Jon was yet again absorbed into the crowd.


Wilford, Dave decided firmly, was what every Western ever had been about. That bloke… he was the real deal. A real live fucking cowboy! Not to mention the fact that the older man had bought them all a round on the house and had pointed out how brave poor, sweet John had been for standing up for him. His heart swelled once more at the memory and glanced at the other man, trying to tamper the amount of affection he was letting shine through so as not to be too obvious.

Dave frowned slightly as John blushed and resolutely didn’t look back at him. He was being… odd. He had been pulling away all night. Dave reasoned that it was probably just the side affect of being British and fairly private, but he still seemed a little overly uneasy at Dave’s playful advances.

As he leaned in again, placing his arm snug against John’s own in a way that most would construe has drunken affection, he saw John shy away once more. Feeling frustrated, Dave followed his line of vision. He was looking at Jerry.

Huh, Dave thought, sitting back in his seat. That’s interesting. Quickly he outlined in his brain the reasons John would be looking at Jerry like that.

One: they used to fuck and now he’s worried Jerry will flip a shit since he’s interested in me now. But Dave reflected on the other two men’s actions over the night and decided, no, that wasn’t the case. John looked more embarrassed than anything. And there seemed to be the opposite of any kind of attraction between the two men. Jerry seemed decidedly straight… though Dave was picking up a strange vibe between him and Steve. He would ask John about it later.

Two: Jerry has no idea John is gay. Dave, frankly, couldn’t see how this was possibly, especially since he and Steve had been giving the couple knowing looks all night.

Three: Jerry is really homophobic. Again, it didn’t seem to add up. Jerry practically acted like Steve’s boyfriend and seemed perfectly alright with Dave being affectionate towards John.


Four: he didn’t know about John being gay until I rolled around. Eyes widening, Dave looked at John again. The two other men had been acting a little strange around each other… perhaps it was due to the newness of John’s outing himself? That seemed most likely. Did that mean John hadn’t really been with anyone since he’d come from England?

Watching the other man, Dave felt his heart go out to him. Well, he reasoned, hopefully he’s at least been laid in that time. But seeing the way John moved stiffly in response to most of Dave’s touches made him realize… maybe he hadn’t.

Anger flared through him. John deserved this, the affection, the physical aspects… all of it. How could no one else have seen it in all that time? And here Dave was, trying to take it slow, just to preserve some sense of autonomy that he hadn’t really been privy to in a while as this sweet, sweet man just waited for him.

Sure… it had been less than a week. But Dave was drunk and, dammit, John was a good person. Good people deserve sex! Dave thought vehemently.

Thinking quickly, he allowed his eyelids to droop a bit more and let out an exaggerated yawn.

“You alright there?” John asked, looking on him with concern. God, he was sweet.

Dave just shrugged in response and rubbed his eyes. “Feeling a bit knackered I guess,” he muttered, laughing slightly when he realized it was true. They’d been there for hours. “Reckon you could take me back soon?”

“Sure,” John responded kindly before turning to the other men. “You two need a ride?”

Jerry glanced at Steve who was slumped in his chair, looking more dead than alive. Dave wondered idly again if they were fucking. If they weren’t… they definitely should be. Dave decided he needed to inform John of this at some point.

Shrugging, Jerry said, “Well, I was thinking we would just get a cab, get the cars later.” He gave John a meaningful look, one that screamed, So you two can be alone.

John flushed and nodded, refusing to look at Dave as he gazed on him in amusement. “Alright, sounds good. I think we may be off then…”

“Yeah,” Jerry nodded, nearly falling out of his chair. “I think we will be too…” He paused beside Steve’s chair and shook him. “Steve.”

“Hrmm?” was the response.




“God, what?” the other man finally asked in irritation.

“We’re leaving.”

“Oh,” he said more quietly, looking mollified. “Are we… getting kicked out?”

Jerry laughed and helped Steve to his feet. “Nope. Just rolling out since you’re practically asleep anyway.”

“’m not,” Steve grumbled in protest. “You’re asleep.”

“Well, I can’t argue with that.” Turning to John and Dave, Jerry procured a hand and shook each of their’s warmly. “Dave, it was nice to get to know you. John,” he smiled a little awkwardly, “thanks for bringing him along.”

“Not a problem, mate,” John remarked kindly. “Drive safely, yeah?” John then turned and gave Steve a hug, patting him on the back. “Take care of yourself.”

When he pulled away, Steve was looking at him with a small smile on his face. He looked slightly more coherent. “Yeah, you too man. And thanks the both of you for, you know…”

Dave waved a dismissing hand. “Of course. No worries, mate.”

With that, they headed outside and slipped into John’s beat up Honda. Dave dutifully sat in the passenger’s seat and, after a few moments of having John watch him in amused silence as he struggled with the seat belt, he leaned back and allowed the other man to do it for him. He lightly ran a hand over the back of John’s head as he leaned into him, playing with the soft hairs at the back of his neck. John shot him a look, some mix of annoyance and affection in his eyes, before settling back into his own seat and putting the car into drive.

They rode in silence for a few minutes, the murmuring of the radio the only noise in the car. Dave, feigning sleepiness, leaned over until his head was resting (albeit not too comfortably) on John’s shoulder. John glanced at him again, only this time without any annoyance.

“You okay?” he asked in amusement.

“Yeah,” Dave nodded slightly, rubbing a hand over his face before dropping it onto John’s leg in what he hoped was a nonchalant way. “Really, I had a good time. Your friends are all ace.” John just smiled in response. He was being more receptive to Dave’s touches now, not even flinching as Dave’s finger started making slow circles on his leg. “You know what was really great?”

John raised an eyebrow. “What?”

“You took a punch for me,” Dave said, smiling. Suddenly a giggle burst out of him before he became serious once more. “No one’s ever done that for me before,” he admitted quietly, training his eyes up to John’s face. “It was really brave.”

Since it was dark, Dave couldn’t see it but he could feel the blush creep up John’s neck as the heat seeped onto his cheek that rested there. “Yeah, well… it’s nothing really. You would have done the same.”

“Still,” Dave reasoned but didn’t take it any further. “Does it still hurt?”

John shrugged a little, the small smile remaining on his face. “Not much, really. It really wasn’t all that bad, just caught me off-guard, yeah?”

Dave nodded slowly and raised his head, placing his lips lightly where the other man’s fist had struck John so rudely. He felt the other man shiver slightly at his touch. “Better?” he murmured mischievously.

John swallowed and nodded.

“How about now?” Dave asked, sliding his lips to the shell of John’s ear and tonguing it gently.

“Jesus,” the other man exhaled. “Dave,” he muttered in trepidation, breathing unevenly as the other man’s mouth went lower and began mouthing his neck. “Dave, I’m driving. And you’re drunk.”

Pulling away, only slightly, Dave smirked at him. “So are you, really. Besides, I know what I’m doing.”

“Well,” John said, sounding jittery and jumping a bit as Dave returned to his task, nibbling right below his ear. “Then… then being slightly drunk and having you… you doing that… it’s not a very good combination, is… is it?”

Dave moved his mouth once more to John’s ear, only this time he whispered into it hotly, “I guess you’d better pull over then.”

John swallowed hard and pulled away, looking Dave deeply in the eyes. In the darkness, Dave could see the reddish tint to his cheeks and his pupils were almost completely dilated in arousal. Slowly, he nodded and took a deep breath before putting on the turn signal, pulling into the closest breakdown lane.

“Look,” he began to say as he put the car into park, “I really don’t think this is that good of an idea because if a cop sees us we’re done for and… fuck, Dave!” he yelped as the other man flipped his seat backwards and grabbed roughly at his crotch.

Dave laughed slightly at John’s indignant expression. “Sorry, you make me enthusiastic.” He fussed with his seatbelt for a second before freeing himself and looming over John, smiling as the other man stared up at him. He set upon John’s neck once more, causing him to gasp before a low moan escaped him; Dave beginning to work his hand over John’s clothed erection. He was only half-hard, probably due to the anxiety over being caught, but Dave quickly fixed this, massaging over the area in slow circles and causing John to begin to grip tightly at the back of his shirt.

“God…” he muttered, letting Dave kiss him roughly on the mouth. “Do you have a condom?”

“Thinking ahead, are we?” Dave chuckled against his mouth.

“Well, your hand is on my cock,” John reasoned, smiling back.

“Well… no. But I just recently got checked out and I have top marks and all that.”

John paused before nodding. “So do I…” He smiled again before pulling Dave’s face down again. “So alright then.” They began kissing again, Dave’s hand working at John once more.

“How long…” Dave suddenly whispered. “How long has it been for you?”

John’s eyes slipped open and he looked up at him. “I’m… what?” he asked, sounding confused and looking dazed.

“Just… has it been a long time?”

John’s face suddenly flushed so deeply that Dave couldn’t help but see it, even in the low light. “God,” he muttered, laughing derisively, “is it that obvious?” He brought a hand up to cover his face.

“No!” Dave replied urgently, prying the hand away. “I just… you have yet to really talk about old boyfriends and you just seem like… I don’t know…”

“Well…” John sighed weakly, biting his lip. Dave thought he looked adorable. “It’s… it’s been a while. Fuck…” he laughed again, but Dave could hear the sharp edge to it. “That sounds pathetic, doesn’t it?”

“John,” Dave said seriously, tilting John’s chin upward and forcing him to meet his eyes. “It is not pathetic. Just that… that no one has done… done this with you in a while… it’s mind-boggling, that’s what it is.”

John raised a disbelieving eyebrow. “Are you joking? I’ve never exactly been swimming in men, Dave.”

“Their loss then,” the other man countered seriously and before John could respond, he placed a gentle kiss on his lips. “Can… can go down on you?” he asked, feeling his own face begin to blush in embarrassment. He just hoped John couldn’t see it.

The other man sucked in a breath and blinked rapidly. “Well, can’t exactly say no, can I?”

“No, smartass,” Dave said laughing, “you can’t.”

“Not that I don’t want you to, mind you, I was just being…”



“Shut up.”

“Oh… right.”

“And one more thing…” Dave began, sliding back up John’s body.


“Relax.” Dave kissed John softly, one hand going up to play with his hair before traveling down his chest to reach for the button of his trousers. John inhaled slightly as Dave just played with it for a moment before popping open the button, slipping his tongue into John’s mouth as he guided the zipper down.

But still, Dave didn’t touch him. His mouth moving down to that spot behind John’s ear that he had seemed to enjoy so much, he allowed his fingers to only gently play at the top of John’s briefs, stroking the taut skin right below his navel. As his fingers went just a bit lower and strayed a bit below the waistband, John’s hips jerked a bit.

“Jesus, Dave,” John growled, sounding intensely distracted. Dave smiled against his neck. “Can you just fucking… do something?” The dire seriousness Dave suspected the other man was trying to convey was completely ruined as his voice cracked horribly on the last word.

Dave lifted his head and John let out a small pathetic noise at the loss of his lips. “Impatient, aren’t we?” Dave murmured, smirking at the other man as his hand traveled north again to unbutton John’s shirt.

“You’re insufferable,” the other man laughed breathlessly, looking torn between yelling at him and kissing him again.

“You’ve already said that,” Dave replied flippantly, smirk still on his lips.

“Well, I’ll stop saying that once you stop—Jesus fuck…” John cut himself off as Dave ducked his head again to take one of his nipples into his mouth. “You’re so…fucking…” he moaned before completing the thought, “…cheeky…”

Dave just grinned up at him before moving onto the other nipple and causing John’s hips to jerk again. Feeling satisfied with that area, he made his way down the rest of John’ chest, hiding a smile at the interesting keening noise the other man made as he dipped his tongue into his navel. Wriggling down still further, Dave paused after planting an open-mouthed kiss right above John’s waistband.

Catching his breath and resisted the urge to grind into the seat pressing into his own erection, he regarded John for a moment. “Lift your hips,” he ordered quietly, surprising even himself with how serious he sounded. Eyes slightly wider than they had been before, John nodded silently before doing as he was told, allowing Dave to shimmy off John’s slacks and then his briefs. Gazing down, he found himself face to face with the other man’s erection.

Swallowing slightly, Dave fought a fleeting feeling of envy as he took in the fact that John was, in fact, a good bit bigger than he. Once over that, Dave gave in to the pleasant job of observing this unique man before him. He always loved the differences of each new person he was with, seeing how this one part of them might be the reason behind other idiosyncrasies in their personality. From what he could tell, John had no discernable reason to be as bloody modest as he was.

“Fuck, Dave,” John finally growled above him, snapping him out of his trance. “It’s a cock, alright? You have one too, you know.”

Not sparing the other man a glance, Dave just licked his lips before sliding his mouth down as far as possible over John’s erection. Stomach muscles shuddering under his hand as he held John down, Dave heard John utter a string of words that were definitely not in the English language. Smirking, he slid back up, pressing his tongue slightly at the back of the head and feeling the vein throbbing there.

“Stop looking…” John groaned again as Dave tongued the slit, “…so damned… smug…”

Dave pulled away for a moment, letting his breath waft over John’s erection as he spoke. “I will once you stop liking it so much.”

“You’re a bastard, you know thaaa…” John threw back his head as Dave took him in again, his other hand going up to grip the base of the erection as his tongue swirled.

John’s words deteriorated into a string of nonsense intermittent with Dave’s name as the other man built up a steady rhythm, mouth sliding up and down in time with his hand. Giving in to his own arousal, Dave began grinding his pelvis against the seat he was perched on, groaning around John.

Feeling the prostrate man’s stomach muscles tense considerably, Dave knew that John must be close. Guiding his hand off of John’s abdomen, he switched his grip on the other man’s erection in order to massage John’s testicles. Fingers leaving the place where they had been gripping the seat in desperation, John’s fingers were surprisingly gentle as they brushed through Dave’s hair.

“Jesus…” John gasped, his voice sounding choked. “Dave… I’m gonna…”

Dave just hummed a noise of approval and, in a sound something akin to a sob mixed with a groan, John was coming in his mouth and chanting Dave’s name over and over again, fingers tensing and releasing the hair on Dave’s scalp.

Once he was sure John was finished, Dave gingerly released him before maneuvering himself back up the other man’s body to look at his sweaty face. He gently brushed the damp fringe of hair out of John’s face, feeling that same swell of affection as John finally opened his eyes and looked at Dave in disbelief.

“That…” he breathed, looking lost. “That was something, that.” Dave just laughed and kissed him softly, feeling the post-coital relaxation all throughout John’s limp body. As he shifted slightly, Dave’s erection pressed into John’s side. “God,” he muttered, looking ashamed. “We have yet to take care of you, don’t we?”

Dave just laughed before sitting up. “I think we best get back and then we can take care of me.”

Putting his seat upright, John looked at him shyly. “You… you want to come home with me?”

Dave laughed again, feeling lighter than he had in years. “Der,” he muttered, before kissing John gently again.

“You really are a smug bastard,” John murmured, smiling against him.

“And you like it,” Dave murmured back before cackling as John tickled him in response.

As the car pulled off the shoulder, Dave pressed his forehead to the foggy window. This is the beginning of a good thing, he thought before slipping his eyes closed and grinning.



Tune in next time for thing calming down, people going home, and perhaps some forward movement in this plot.

ENDNOTE: I’ve broken 100 pages!!! Well, to be honest, it’s been a while since that point but still. Huzzah! Less than a week until I see J. Stew at UVA (woot woot), so I’m also all pumped about that. And less than two weeks before this semester is over! Man, I am so ready to be done with this year. Thanks to all my steady readers and, if you’re new, drop me a line so I can be all “squee! People like me!” in a really not-at-all pathetic way. Oh, and regarding this chapter, that is the way I remember the Kelly Clarkson song as going and how I sing it every time so I don’t want any of this “omg those are soooo not the lyrics lolz” commenting foolery. Because, to be fair, I will mock you.

*Edit*: Do any of you know what kind of music Jon listens to? It's kind of important to a bit coming up...

*Double Edit!*: Join my new community, fregg_love! Because if you've seen "Spaced", Shaun of the Dead, or Hot Fuzz, you know it's all about the Simon Pegg/Nick Frost love.

Disclaimer: Any similarity between the fictional version of the person portrayed here and the actual persons is purely coincidental. This is a work of fiction. This is not an attempt to defame the character of said person on the basis of libel, as the work is FICTIONAL (and NOT an intently false statement created with the express purpose of misleading others about the actual character of said person).

Any mention of 'The Daily Show', 'The Colbert Report', 'Viacom', any associated entities, or any copyrighted material pertaining therein is reasonably protected by the Fair Use Rule of the United States Copyright Act of 1976 and is not intended to infringe upon any copyrighted material.
24th-Apr-2007 12:48 am (UTC)
Omg omg omg! Ok, I haven't read this yet but I just had to say that I can't wait :) This is my favorite story, you're awesome, etc. Alright, I'm going to actually read the thing now.
24th-Apr-2007 04:12 am (UTC)
Yaaaay fangirling. I just never thought people would do so over my work. Hooray!

I would say "thanks for reading" but since you haven't actually, you know, read yet, I'll just say THANKS FOR COMMENTING!! Woooooooo.
24th-Apr-2007 01:08 am (UTC)
"Good people deserve sex!" Hell Yeah they DO..*cough*Jon and Stephen*cough* This was..extra good and fun. Wilford Brimley!! Hannity and Colmes and Doocy (THIS IS HUGE!) are really rednecks and ftw woman..ftw. Congratulations on breaking a 100 *standing ovation* and I want to know everything about Jonny Stew and his performance.
Are Jon and Tina going to hook up? 'Cause that would be cool, but..I want Jon and Stephen! And the Drama! *gasp* Paul! Amy! Stephen!..teenagers *shakes head*
I want more (picture it like I waaaaaaant candy) and I'm so jazzed up from this..yay! Going to go study now that I'm all happy and awake..thankie so much
24th-Apr-2007 04:17 am (UTC)
I was sitting there, thinking to myself, "now, who would be a good owner for the bar?" Originally I wanted it to be a woman, but then Wilford Brimley came to me and I knew I had to do it since the idea made me laugh forever.

Having Hannity, Colmes, and Doocy as the thugs only made sense to me. Because saying, "Colmes, you should know better!" is something I've always wanted to do.

Oh, Jon's going to be paired with multiple people before anything with Stephen comes to fruition. Because I am an evil, evil bastard.

I'm trying to write more but it may be difficult seeing as my exam week-o-hell is coming up. Woe is me :-(
But post May 4th, I'll be free as a bird until my new job starts up. Wee!

24th-Apr-2007 01:11 am (UTC) - SINCE YOU BEEN GOOOOOOONE
*cough* Sorry. I do so love seeing this fic updated - and this time you used one of my icons and it's making me all giddy!

As is the story itself - hello, blowjob-in-a-car kink. Hot. And I liked seeing Stephen and Paul and Amy's drama from Jon's point of view! You always get their voices so well - especially Steve, this time, what with the yelling of everyone's names and getting plastered and all. Hee!
24th-Apr-2007 04:22 am (UTC) - Re: SINCE YOU BEEN GOOOOOOONE
The only words I actually know are the "SINCE YOU BEEN GONE" ones, and I only sing that whilst drunk/in a car with people and singing like an idiot.

Ooh, I love your icons! I've just recently been browsing through the TDS icon community and your's are some of my favorites! That and Jon's appearance on Crossfire is quite possibly one of the hottest moments on television EVER. That was when I had my Wayne's world moment: "He will be mine. Oh, yes. He will be mine."

Yeah, I definitely have a weird sex-in-odd-places kink. Janitor's closet anyone? I'm just glad it didn't come out as awkwardly as I was fearing it would.

Writing drunk!Steve was fun... especially once he stopped being a sad panda. Except he's going to be a sad panda again next section.... *is the devil*

Anyway, after that long-winded response, THANKS FOR READING!
(Deleted comment)
24th-Apr-2007 04:26 am (UTC)

Your icon makes me giggle in a weird, confused way. What on earth is it from? I can't really see the other dude's face and I have no memory so, yeah.

Anyway, you're not the only one to be scared by the summary. Unfortunately, I think it scares a lot of people away. But I don't mind because my readership is still KICKASS.

Ohhhhh... right... that other story of mine. I'm thinking of finishing it soon. I mean, it's sort of okay just as a stand-alone but I'd like to get the rest of it out of my brain.

Stephen/Amy is like... good... but can't last? Something like that. Paul/Stephen will happen soon though... bwahahahahaha!

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24th-Apr-2007 01:44 am (UTC)
Oooh, yum. XD
24th-Apr-2007 04:27 am (UTC)

*...before promptly hiding in shame again...*
24th-Apr-2007 02:06 am (UTC)
let me just say how pumped i get when i see this on my f-list, and secondly...i've heard jon only mention a few artits he really listens to--but i remember tom waits being one that he really geeked out over.
24th-Apr-2007 04:28 am (UTC)
Huh... I actually have no experience with Tom Waits whatsoever. Mayhaps some research needs to be done on my part?

Anyway, THANKS FOR READING! And me= pumped when I see you commenting. Hooray!
24th-Apr-2007 02:12 am (UTC)
oh my gawwwwwwwd
i neeeeeed more of this!
24th-Apr-2007 04:30 am (UTC)
Duuude, what is your icon from? Did Jon say it??? I'm so confused. I have the memory of a goldfish. I'm sure it'll come to me and I'll have a "damn me! I need to stop drinking away my braincells!" moment.

Anyway, hopefully I'll get time to write over the next week. Unfortunately, the end of the semester means I get molested by exams sooooo... we'll see.
24th-Apr-2007 02:13 am (UTC)
Wilford Brimley. NO WAI.

Loved the Killer shoutout.

"Short Jews are all the rage. We’re pocket-sized… easily fit into overhead compartments… the works."


Jon listens to Tom Waits, or at least he does now, though I don't know if that was true in his younger days...
24th-Apr-2007 04:32 am (UTC)
Yes Wilford Brimley! Somehow I didn't manage to get him to mention his diabetes though. His scene was originally much longer but it didn't fit the flow, if you follow me. But yeah. And Killer = too superfly.

I'm ashamed to say I have no idea who Tom Waits is. Time for illegal downloading! Yay!

24th-Apr-2007 02:57 am (UTC)
I'm new! And you're awesome! I just started reading this story like a week ago, and I'm not one of those people who would be like "I hate all high school AU except for yours" because this is the only one I've ever read, but I think I'll keep it that way because this is so awesome nothing else could compare. Notice the flattery to encourage you to write more!

As for the music thing, everyone else has already mentioned Waits, but I heard an interview with Jon recently where he was asked what he had in his iPod (nothing, apparently, because he doesn't know how to work one...aww). But he does mention some bands at the end...perhaps they'll mean more to you than they meant to me, but here's the interview:


PS Sorry this comment is so long, but I'm so excited!
24th-Apr-2007 04:37 am (UTC)
The flattery is duly noted and it will get you everywhere. I feed off of compliments like Cheney does off of baby pandas!


Ahem, anyway, that interview? AWESOME. *pets interview* Guh, I find him too attractive. But yeah, I didn't recognize any of those bands either. I'm afraid I'm too much on the wannabe 70's circuit/sort-of-Indie rock side of things. Of course, he makes it sound like it's just an ecclectic collection of bands so that in itself is helpful.

Dude, I adore long comments! Seriously. It gives me an excuse to ramble back :-)

24th-Apr-2007 03:08 am (UTC)
STEPHEN/PAUL/AMY! I am so psyched for the fall out. Also, TINA. A DELIGHT, SIR.
24th-Apr-2007 04:39 am (UTC)
Hahaha, you're psyched for the fallout? Well, it might take a while to really come to a big ka-boom type of dealie because comedians are often the masters of repression. Which means... EVEN MORE RETARDED MAKE OUT SESSIONS! Yesssssss.

Haha, that "a delight, sir" reminds me so much of David Cross on Arrested Development. Man I love that show.

24th-Apr-2007 03:21 am (UTC)
Why oh why must you post this when I should be reading and doing journal entries for the end of the semester? Ok so this chapter was awesome, I loved it per usual ^_^ thanks for the distraction, now back to work!
24th-Apr-2007 04:42 am (UTC)
Why? Because I am EVIL, that's why!!! MOOHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Anyway, thanks for liking it! And I'm more than happy to provide a distraction. Hmm... that sounded weirdly sexual. Ah... anyway. Thanks!
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24th-Apr-2007 04:45 am (UTC)
Wilford Brimley does indeed pwn the world.

See, the only person I've heard of on that list is Jack Johnson, which makes me terribly ashamed of my music know-how. I'm more of the "hoplessly wish I was alive back in the 60's/70's" genre, along with liking some indie bands.

Maaaaaybe you'd want to share this cd with little ole me? Or not, you know, because there's always that doing-my-own-research thing.

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(Deleted comment)
24th-Apr-2007 03:58 am (UTC)
Oh I love you, I love John, I love the other Jon, I love Stephen so hard, I love this story, and I love love love love love...everything! Yay! And I really can't think of anything else to say. Oh! I also love Tina!

the end. :D

ps...more soon! please! yay! I love you!
24th-Apr-2007 04:46 am (UTC)
Hahah, YAY LOVE!! And I love you back!!!!

I'm working on more, I just need to actually get through this semester with grades that don't scream "I'M A MORON!" at graduate schools. Stupid real life...
24th-Apr-2007 04:58 am (UTC) - "Hot merging action!"
WILFORD AND KILLER. Threatening diabeetus to anyone who fag-bashes on their turf! And you made Doocy, Hannity and Colmes the bad guys. I can just imagine Colmes hanging his head in shame.

Drunk Steve! Continuing the fine tradition of having his coworkers hit him and then puking.

I love that John O put on his blinker before pulling over. "BLOW JOB. But, oh, I must signal." So polite. And the in-vehicle fellatio wins. In my pants.
24th-Apr-2007 05:30 am (UTC) - Re: "Hot merging action!"
Man, I so wanted to get a diabetes line in but the other dialogue I had with Wilford didn't fit in with the rest of the story. But mayhaps he shall be showing up later in order to defend more homosexuals? He'll be like the Batman of the gay world. Not that Batman isn't already the Batman of the gay world.

And Wilford was sooo channeling me when he chastised Colmes. Because I've always wanted to say that to him. *wags head sadly*

Drunk Steve was also keeping with the tradition of yelling people's names in silly ways. Yay Steve.

Hahaa, I didn't even notice that I had put in that detail! That is a weirdly polite thing to do. And I'm glad you liked the car kink... I still feel awkward about it because I feel like I suck (pun!) at smut. Oh wellz.

24th-Apr-2007 05:13 am (UTC)
Oh god, that was hot.

I've been contemplating what Jon probably listens to all week. For some reason he really strikes me as being a fan of Amy Winehouse, that's all I can really contribute.
24th-Apr-2007 05:36 am (UTC)
I'm glad you thought it was hot rather than, you know... awkward. Woo blowjobs!

I have no idea who Amy Winehouse is either! Geez. I am pathetic. You know who I keep thinking he might like? Tupac. Because having incredibly white, teenage!Jon like rap music makes my stomach do funny happy flippy things.
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