Fast Times at NAMBLA High: Part SixAuthor:
The Daily Show... with a smattering of guest appearances. Pairing:
Including but not limited to:
Jon/Stephen, Stephen/Paul, Stephen/Craig Kilborn, Jon/Anderson Cooper, Paul/Amy, Rob/Frustration, Ed/Confusion, (Rob/Frustration)/(Ed/Confusion), Mo Rocca/Lewis Black, Sam/Jason, Demetri Martin/Nathan Corddry, Bob Novak/Hair nets, Aasif Mandvi/Tucker Carlson, Stone Phillips/Barbara Walters, Dan Bakkedahl/Rob Riggle, Dane Cook/His ego, Dave Gorman/John Oliver, Jerry Seinfeld/Steve Carell, Bill O’Reilly/Hatred, Keith Olbermann/Everyone, John Hodgeman/Bill Gates, Tucker/Craig, Aasif/Anderson, John Hodgeman/Sarah Vowell, Will Ferrell/MOP?, Keith/Dennis Leary, George Clooney/CharmFeatured pairing(s):
Jon/Stephen, Stephen/Paul, Jerry/Steve, John/DaveRating:
PG-13 though the f-bomb is dropped quite a bitWarning:
Crack: it's what's for dinner. Other warnings: AU, drug use, underage drinking, het crap, and Will Ferrell being creepy. For this specific chapter? Jon abuse. And sort of angstyness. Crack angst? Does such a thing actually exist? It's not that bad, I swear.A/N:
Sorry for the massive delay in getting this chapter out. I was literally trapped in snow and had personal problems which included friends falling off their respective wagons, getting massively sick, having midterms, nearly failing midterms, and trying to apply for study abroad crap. I'm on spring break now though, so I'm hoping I'll get a few more chapters pumped out before this glorious week is through. As always, this was written incredibly fast and I think my overall dark mood affected it a bit. Sorry!Length:
Feedback helps my crack addiction. Give generously.Previous chapters: Chapter OneChapter TwoChapter ThreeChapter FourChapter Four Point Five: An Interlude of sortsChapter FiveSummary:
This is what I wrote as a summary at 3 in the AM when I was supposed to be writing a paper but instead conceived of this horrifying brainchild:The OC meets TDS meets High School Musical meets TCR meets Queer As Folk times a billion meets my life meets Strangers with Candy meets Footloose meets Are You There God, It’s Me Margaret meets CNN meets CRACK.
In this edition of FTANH: Badness happens to Jon, Stephen is too cool to function, Jerry is mean, John is uncomfortable, and Steve is mystified.FAST TIMES AT NAMBLA HIGH
“Alright everyone, put away your papers and get out a pen. This quiz should be easy if you did your reading so stop your whining and just get it done.”
Stephen smiled quietly to himself as he saw Paul frantically flip through the book, glancing for clues from the chapters they were supposed to have read.
“Mr. Dinello…” Seinfeld warned, looking annoyed from over top the papers he was counting. “Put the book away.”
Sighing, Paul threw one more desperate look at Stephen before shoving the book under his desk and raising his hands in defeat. Stephen suppressed a chuckle, shaking his head slightly before he glanced at Amy. Much to his surprise, his friend wasn’t bouncing anxiously as she was prone to do before any sort of education-related assessment; instead she was staring rather intently at the door, a tiny crease forming in between her eyebrows.
After a second of peering at the girl, she finally seemed to notice his eyes on her. She blinked twice before simply raising her eyebrows and nodding toward the door, her lips forming two words: “New Kid.” Oh
, Stephen thought to himself. He hadn’t shown up today. Jon… Leibowitz? The smartass who saved Rob Corddry’s brother. Stephen furrowed his brow, glancing at the seat the other kid had occupied a couple days before. Strange. Stephen shoved up his glasses by the rim before offering Amy a half-assed shrug, not wanting to look as concerned as he actually felt. Maybe he had changed classes. Or that bastard Carlson had knocked him off somehow.
He was disturbed from his reverie when a sheet of paper was shoved under his nose. “Sorry to interrupt your contemplation Mr. Colbert, but the quiz is starting now.”
Stephen looked up in surprise and grabbed the quiz before handing the rest back. “Uh, sorry,” he stuttered out, uncapping his pen and getting to work.
A few minutes passed and the room was silent save for the tick of the clock, a few sniffles from the seemingly incurably sick invalids that populate every class during a test, and Paul’s nervous shifting.
Stephen was just getting to a question concerning a bit in the book he had not yet read to (stupid Buffy reruns! They were the bane of his existence every freaking time) when the door to the classroom banged open. What stood in the doorway was a sight to behold.
Clutching a beanie in his hand, the new kid stood before them in disarray. His hair was mussed and his shirt sleeved ripped, blood slowly seeping from his nose though he kept wiping at it ineffectually. In his other hand he grasped the strap of his apparently brutalized backpack, knuckles white in contrast to his flushed face. Stephen felt his heart suddenly leap into his throat. He knew that look. He was well-acquainted with that look from all his years as a self-professed nerd.Bastards
, he thought vehemently, they got him. Dammit.
Stephen wasn’t sure who the “they” were… only that they were only way too present in places like this. High schools seemed to breed gigantic assholes who felt it was their God-given right to beat the shit out of kids who were too smart or too quiet or too friendly or too gay-acting or too short or, as he suspected was the fact in Jon’s case, too Jewish.
Mr. Seinfeld merely stared at him for a moment, a grim look overcoming his face. Jon glared around the room, as if challenging anyone to say anything about the state he was in before stalking over to his seat and sitting himself down forcibly. He crossed his arms and suddenly he shot Stephen a look so full of desperate hate, just screaming, “What the fuck are you looking at?”
To even his own surprise, Stephen held his gaze. He wanted this other young man to know… Stephen knew
. He got this. But then Jon looked away and a deadly silence in the room settled before Mr. Seinfeld made his way discreetly to the boy’s desk and asked quietly, “Do you feel comfortable starting the quiz now or would you like to stay after?”
Jon looked up at him defiantly though his expression softened a little at the genuine concern on Seinfeld’s face. “Now’s fine,” he muttered gruffly, looking away.
Leaning in closer while putting the paper on the space before Jon, the teacher asked even more softly, “Do you need to go to the nurse?”
Sending another glare around the room, Jon made eye contact with Seinfeld once more. “No. I’m fine.” His voice was clipped and held a pride that Stephen found awe-inspiring. Who the hell was this kid?
He stared desperately at the other boy, wanting the eye contact again. He found himself ludicrously desiring to see him smile. Why? Maybe it was the fact that he saw himself in the defiant boy who clung so dreadfully to whatever dignity they hadn’t taken from him. Stephen knew
they had something in common… that there was something calling him to this other kid, he just wasn’t sure what exactly. The draw was a bizarre feeling and he hadn’t felt anything close to it since he had been attracted to the all-encompassing warmth of Amy and the gratifying laughter of Paul.
He was going to figure this out. Even if he had to drag Jon kicking and screaming with him to do so.~~~~~~~~
“Jon! Hey, Jon!”Fucking fuckhead shit ass and balls
, Jon cursed in his brain. The last thing he wanted to do was talk to anyone. Hell, all he wanted to do was go into a bathroom stall and kick the door until the stupid little cubicle was more of a Star of David shape. That would teach the sadistic Nazi freaks. Or wash his face to get rid of the fucking blood that he knew was still there.No, fuck that. You know what would be even better? Go home, smoke a blunt, and watch motherfucking Oprah. Fuck this school and fuck these Jew-hating assfucks.
The short young man stopped in the middle of the hallway, sighing and trying desperately to get his face composed from the red, twisted expression he was sure he wore. Turning slowly, he attempted to smile at Stephen as the other boy jogged up to him.
“Uh, hi,” he said awkwardly. “Stephen, right?”
“Yeah,” Stephen panted, putting his hands on his knees. “Man, I’m out of shape.” Once he caught his breath, the taller boy straightened and Jon became acutely aware of just how much taller he was. Shrimp, he thought to himself. I am a classified shrimp. To top it off I’m a fucking Jewish shrimp which is completely not kosher. Guess I’m fucked no matter what I do! Stupid seafood.
His train of gibberish-like thought was cut off as he found Stephen smiling at him apprehensively. It sent a jolt through him… much like the look during class had. What was this kid’s deal? Jon couldn’t decide if it was creepy or intriguing. His stare was something that Jon found very unnerving… it was like he was looking right into him. Jon was used to deflecting people… hell, he was pro at it! But this Stephen guy… he just kept looking
. Part of Jon wanted to scream at him to stop but the other part of him told him not to be a spastic dickweed and just accept the fact that the kid was trying to be friendly.
“Uh, can I help you with something?” he asked stiffly after a moment of awkward silence. Ah, so much for not being a dickweed.
Stephen merely smiled a little wider. “I saw that you walk home after school.”
Jon just blinked at him, unsure of whether or not the other boy was aware of how weird the question was. After a moment of staring, he definitely didn’t seem phased by how obviously odd he was coming off.
“Uh… yeah. I do,” Jon responded awkwardly.
“Do you walk here in the mornings?”
“… No,” Jon answered hesitantly. “I mean… I ride the bus then. But I can only handle that hell once a day, you know?” He attempted a sheepish smile that he felt fell horribly short.
“Well, if you’re tired of the fresh air…” Stephen offered, rubbing the back of his neck a little self-consciously before adjusting his glasses, “I’ve got my car and could give you a ride.”
Jon was once again stunned into silence. “Uh… what?”
Stephen just shrugged. “You know… it beats walking.”
“I just… why?” He could almost kick himself for how vulnerable he sounded at that moment.
Stephen merely smiled. “Any guy who can expose what a smarmy prick Carlson is is a friend of mine, right?”
Relief flooded the shorter boy as he took stock of the young man standing before him. He had deflected the seriousness of the situation with humor
. That certainly boded well.
“I mean… do you mind? I, uh… live like two miles away…”
“I’ve driven by you walking before,” Stephen offered easily. “I’m pretty sure you live pretty much on my way so really, it’s no trouble. Just meet me outside after school, okay?”
Jon could only nod in mute silence. “Uh… sure. Thanks?”
Stephen suddenly grinned hugely and Jon found himself smiling helplessly back. “Great! See you later then!” And he was off, jogging back to that Dinello kid who was staring at Jon in a way that he wasn’t sure he liked.
Did Dinello look… jealous? Jon just raised his eyebrows at the other boy before turning around and shrugging it off. Sure, Stephen seemed a little nutty. But, with a grin, Jon decided he was just a little bit nutty himself.~~~~~~~~
“See, I definitely think a tiger could win in a fight against a bear. Tigers? Biggest wild cat in the world, Steve. The world! They can run like… 50 miles per hour! And their paws are enormous.”
“Yeah, well, I still think a bear could beat a tiger.”
“How? How could a bear beat a tiger?”
“Have you seen a bear? They’re huge. And their paws can be like… as big as your head. I was watching Discovery channel and this bear was chasing down a deer and went ‘WHAMMO’ and smacked the deer’s head right off.”
“You’re bullshitting me.”
“No, I swear to God! It was awesome! Bears are like… killing machines, man. They’re ridiculous!”
“They’re omnivores. Tigers are straight-up carnivores. They don’t mess with plants!”
“But bears have to eat all the time. That’s why they’re omnivores! I saw it outrun a deer
. I think a bear could beat a tiger any day.”
“Ah, but the real question remains: who would win in a fight between a squirrel and a chipmunk?”
Steve grinned up at their friend. “Hey John, nice of you to join the debate.”
The Brit smirked dryly. “Yes well, it just seemed so titillating I couldn’t resist.” Jerry smiled mischievously up at his friend. “Dear God, if you say anything about the word ‘tit’ I’m afraid we’re over, Jerry,” the standing man sighed.
Steve pouted. “D’aw, come on John, you know you think about this kind of thing all the time.”
“No,” John reasoned, setting down his cup of tea before plopping into a chair near the other two, “I leave that sort of thought processes up to the people working at Fox.” The British man tipped his head, sipping on his steaming beverage. “Though I have to admit, I do think about people
getting into fights.”
“Like who, pray tell?” Jerry inquired.
“Like… Dan Rather versus Walter Cronkite. Or… Margaret Thatcher versus Condoleezza Rice. Things of that sort.”
“Ah, those are the people who are usually the subject of the game ‘Who Would You Do?’ for me,” Steve remarked sagely, biting into a biscotti.
The other two men stared at him. “Dan Rather, huh Steve?” Jerry intoned. “That’s… quite eye-opening about your personal life, I must say.”
“The man’s a stone cold fox, what can I say.”
John shook his head slightly, chuckling to himself. “I think I’m more disturbed about Margaret Thatcher, mate. I mean, honestly. Thinking of old iron drawers works better than a cold shower, make no mistake.”
Jerry grinned evilly. “I beg to differ. I think she’s the real stiff-upper-lip type but then once the clothes come off it’s like… freak time, you know? She’ll be like ‘there will be order in the House of Lords!’ and you’d be like ‘Yes, Prime Minister.’”
John merely stared at him for a moment in stunned silence. “Have you ever even watched Parliament before?”
“Uh… no. Can’t say I have that much of an interest in British culture. Sorry.”
John just shook his head. “Pity. We’re so fascinating too.” The man suddenly snapped his fingers and put down his cup. “Ah, right, almost forgot. Speaking of British culture… are you lot alright with Gorman coming with us for drinks Friday?”
Steve shrugged noncommittally while Jerry looked a bit dubious. “Seriously? He wants to join in on the Bitter and Recently Divorced club?”
“To be fair, I’ve never been married,” John reasoned. “And you’ve been divorced for over a year now. Steve’s the only recent one.”
“And Jerry’s the only bitter one,” Steve added in helpfully, shrugging at Jerry when he received an evil look.
“Fine! But he really wants to join in?” Jerry asked, still seeming suspicious.
“Yeah, I mean… he asked me to go out for drinks at some point and I invited him to our little shindig. Should I have not?”
“No, of course it’s fine,” Steve cut in quickly, sending Jerry a mollifying look. Honestly. What was his problem? “I just wanted to make sure he knew that it was just a couple of old guys bitching about how their joints hurt.”
“He asked you out for drinks?” Jerry asked warily, destroying Steve’s plan of not being asinine and looking more than a bit put out. “Why?”
There was a little bit of an uncomfortable pause as John studied the other man’s face before answering, “Because he wants to get to know me? Is there something wrong with that?”
“No, of course not,” Jerry scoffed. “It’s fine.”
“Alright, because I wouldn’t want to violate your delicate sensibilities.”
“No! I just… I thought it seemed kind of… off.”
“Oh really?” John asked, his stance getting decidedly defensive. “And what do you think of the fact that I’m having dinner with him this evening at my flat? That seem ‘off’ as well?”
“No!” Jerry said loudly, drawing a few stares from their colleagues around them. “It’s not off! I mean, it’s not like it’s a date or anything.”
Steve felt ice run through his veins at the daggers John was suddenly sending Jerry’s way. Grabbing his cup, the Englishman got to his feet and pushed away his chair. “Yes, well, I think I have some paperwork I need to be getting to,” he said in a clipped voice. “Ta.”
“John…” Steve tried, standing up.
“Steve… don’t,” John merely murmured, brushing past him and out the door.
Once he was gone, Steve sat helplessly back down in his seat and glared at his friend from across the table. “What?” Jerry asked defensively.
“’What’? Are you joking? What the hell
is wrong with you?” Steve demanded.
Jerry tried to return his glare for a moment before dropping his gaze in defeat. “I don’t know,” he conceded tiredly. “I don’t know what the fuck that was.”
“Well,” Steve continued angrily, “I can tell you one thing that it was: stupid. And completely juvenile. I mean, come on man. Now if he is gay he’ll never fucking tell us.”
Jerry just shook his head. “I don’t know what got into me.”
“Are… are you homophobic or something?” Steve asked, his tone becoming softer. “I just… what the hell?”
Jerry was then on his feet and heading towards the door. “I’m sorry. I’m… I’m just sorry. I’ve got some shit to get done so I’m going to head out, alright?”
Before Steve could say anything, his friend was gone and he was left to wonder what the hell was wrong with everyone.TO BE CONTINUED?!?!...yes.Tune in next time for Jon and Stephen's car ride, conflicting feelings, and a slightly awkward maybe-date.
ENDNOTE: The conversation concerning the bear vs. tiger debate was actually a word-for-word recount of a conversation I had with my AP world teacher in the 11th grade when we were in Italy for a school trip and he was very drunk. So any of that particular brilliance is not actually mine... you can thank him. And I've already started on the next chapter so yay, this is the best I've ever done with making discernable progress ahead of time. Woo!Disclaimer: Any similarity between the fictional version of the person portrayed here and the actual persons is purely coincidental. This is a work of fiction. This is not an attempt to defame the character of said person on the basis of libel, as the work is FICTIONAL (and NOT an intently false statement created with the express purpose of misleading others about the actual character of said person).
Any mention of 'The Daily Show', 'The Colbert Report', 'Viacom', any associated entities, or any copyrighted material pertaining therein is reasonably protected by the Fair Use Rule of the United States Copyright Act of 1976 and is not intended to infringe upon any copyrighted material.