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Reject Reality: Embrace the Absurd
I am but mad north by northwest...
15th-Feb-2007 03:39 am
Aretha Putin
Title: Fast Times at NAMBLA High: Part Four Point Five "A Pornish/Belated Valentine’s Day Interlude"
Author: Mwah.
Fandom: The Daily Show... with a smattering of guest appearances.
Pairing: Including but not limited to:
Jon/Stephen, Stephen/Paul, Stephen/Craig Kilborn, Jon/Anderson Cooper, Paul/Amy, Rob/Frustration, Ed/Confusion, (Rob/Frustration)/(Ed/Confusion), Mo Rocca/Lewis Black, Sam/Jason, Demetri Martin/Nathan Corddry, Bob Novak/Hair nets, Aasif Mandvi/Tucker Carlson, Stone Phillips/Barbara Walters, Dan Bakkedahl/Rob Riggle, Dane Cook/His ego, Dave Gorman/John Oliver, Jerry Seinfeld/Steve Carell, Bill O’Reilly/Hatred, Keith Olbermann/Everyone, John Hodgeman/Bill Gates, Tucker/Craig, Aasif/Anderson, John Hodgeman/Sarah Vowell, Will Ferrell/MOP?, Keith/Dennis Leary, George Clooney/Charm
Rating: R for HOTNESS
Warning: Crack: it's what's for dinner. Other warnings: AU, drug use, underage drinking, het crap, and Will Ferrell being creepy. For this specific chapter? An apparent caps-lock frenzy. Oh, and it’s SMUT. BWAHAHA.
A/N: So this is my post-Valentine’s gift to myself. And what is that gift? Rob/Ed. Yaaaay. I wrote/formatted this in less than an hour and still feel like I'm crap at writing this sort of thing. I'm going to go into my corner to be bashful again. *runs away*
Length: 1997
Feedback: Feedback helps my crack addiction. Give generously.
Previous chapters:
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Summary: This is what I wrote as a summary at 3 in the AM when I was supposed to be writing a paper but instead conceived of this horrifying brainchild:

The OC meets TDS meets High School Musical meets TCR meets Queer As Folk times a billion meets my life meets Strangers with Candy meets Footloose meets Are You There God, It’s Me Margaret meets CNN meets CRACK.

In this edition of FTANH: Rob is giving, closets are small, Rupert is scarred, and Jon is an innocent bystander.

Part Four Point Five

Ed wondered how things had gotten so ridiculous so quickly.

It was pretty mind-boggling, really. Yesterday he and Rob were their regular, albeit awkward and confusing, selves and now… what the hell? Sure, Rob was impulsive. Sure, Rob was kinda crazy. Sure, Ed was easily led astray. And yeah, he had been the one to initiate this whole new turn in their friendship, but honestly. A janitor’s closet? It was almost too disgusting to fathom.

Of course, he hadn’t protested when it was the backseat of Rob’s mom’s station wagon before school that morning. Or the bathroom stall in between first and second period. And during second period. Twice. And then right before lunch. But a janitor’s closet?

Rob had said they had been in the bathroom too much and he was worried people would think he had some sort of tapeworm or something. Did tapeworm make you have to pee? Ed didn’t know. All he knew right now was that a bathroom had to be infinitely cleaner than this little hole of a room. If you could even call it a room!

“Rob,” he had said upon entering the tiny space. “This is just… gross. I don’t know if I can… it’s just… OH MY GOD, IS THAT A MOUSE?!”

Rob clicked the door shut behind him, looking just as antsy as he had in the cafeteria. Ed was pretty sure that Jon now thought both of them were insane, but it was Rob, so the new kid probably needed to get used to such facts of life as soon as possible.

“There’s no mouse,” Rob scoffed, kicking a mop pail out of the way… giving them about five more inches in which to move. “If anything, that’s a rat.”

“AAAEEEEIIII!” was the screech that then exited Ed’s mouth. He scrambled past Rob, trying the doorknob to get the hell out of there because he was going to die. Or get rabies, go crazy, bite a few people (Rob being one of them, if he was lucky), and then die.

“Jesus, Ed!” Rob nearly shouted, grabbing the other boy’s shoulders and spinning him to pin him against the door. “Calm the hell down! Christ.” Instead of immediately releasing him as he would have before this new element had come to exist in their relationship, Rob kept his hands on Ed’s shoulders, massaging them slightly. Not for the first time, Ed found himself praising his own ludicrous actions the night before and how it had resulted in Rob seemingly feeling better about touching him so often.

Ed let out a whimper, still taking in the disgusting space in spite of the nice warm feelings Rob’s hands were bringing forth. “Rob, this is dirty,” he whined. The other boy made a face before softening at Ed’s pout.

“Look, it’s just… the bathroom stall is so cramped!”

“What, and this isn’t?” Ed kicked the pail to accentuate his point. “We have, like, two feet to move around!”

“Well,” Rob responded testily, “I wanted to try something new and the bathroom would have been too awkward and public for it, okay?” Ed took some pleasure in seeing the other boy blush but it still didn’t help his feelings of irritation at being forced into a tiny craphole and then yelled at.

“What could you possibly want to do that the bathroom…” His voice failed him as Rob gave him a significant look before deliberately starting to get to his knees. “Oh,” Ed breathed. “What… oh.”

“Yeah, ‘oh’,” Rob quipped sarcastically from where he knelt on the floor. His disdain was lessened slightly by how nervous he looked. “So just… shut up, okay? Jesus.”

“Yeah, okay,” Ed said quietly, feeling the blood rush to his head and… other areas, making him dizzy. “Are… are you sure about this?”

“Well, sure,” Rob answered, sounding quite the opposite. “I mean… how hard can it be?”

“So… you’ve never done this before?”

“God, no!” Rob nearly shouted again, blushing even harder. “Of course not! What do you think I am, man?”

Shaken a little by Rob’s defensive tone, Ed shrugged meekly. “I think you’re you,” he murmured, avoiding the other boy’s eyes. “So, you know… I trust you.” He finally looked down at Rob, who was regarding him in a way that made the dizziness all the worse. “So just… you know. Whatever you’re comfortable with.”

Rob then stood to his feet and Ed guiltily fought the feelings of disappointment at it. But the other boy merely grabbed him by the shoulders and kissed him hard on the mouth, sliding out his tongue and soon rubbing it against Ed’s own. Suddenly, memories of their first faux-drunk kiss caused Ed’s arousal to spike and as Rob pulled away, he found himself fighting for breath.

Sinking to his knees once more, Rob’s shaking fingers pulled at Ed’s belt before popping the top button open and sliding down the zipper. It sounded almost as loud as it had that first night (was that only last night? Dear God, this was bizarre) and Ed’s breath caught in his throat. Sliding the waistband of his boxers, Rob licked his lips nervously at the daunting task before him.

The cold air swirled around his already-formed erection (hey, he and Ed had last jerked each other off in the car and had been having bathroom trysts all day! How was he expected to respond?) and Ed sucked in a breath. Rob leaned forward hesitantly and grabbed the base of his friend’s penis roughly, causing Ed to choke slightly and let his head fall against the door.

Glancing up at Ed, Rob darted out his tongue to give the other boy’s erection a swipe along the underside. Ed let out a moan, suddenly feeling the blood that had been making his brain feel so woozy now rush downwards. Taking the tip into his mouth, Rob tongued the head, making Ed’s knees start to buckle. Making an impatient noise, Rob shoved his hand into Ed’s hip in order to keep him standing upright. That plan backfired a little though, seeing as the noise sounding in Rob’s throat caused vibrations to go through Ed that were ridiculously good-feeling.

His anxiety about this was actually starting to fade away. He knew that Rob had only ever received head once from some stupid girl at band camp. From what he said, it almost sounded like rape and Ed had been put off from the idea from that day forth. Especially when thinking about it merely brought forth uncomfortable images of Rob lying on a creaky bunk, having some girl squatting at the end, making Rob’s head fall back as she went up and down his shaft, taking him in, Rob’s voice making that cracking noise as he came and…

A shudder ripped through him from the vision and Rob taking him further into his mouth. Sure, there were more teeth involved than Ed would have liked, but it was Rob and he was getting a blowjob and it was Rob. As his friend teased the head again, the standing boy let out a strangled noise.

“Rob,” he panted, hands finally moving from where they had been scrabbling against the wood of the door to thread into his friend’s hair, “Rob, I’m… oh, God… I’m close…”

But instead of pulling away as Ed himself would have done, Rob just kept going while making a sound that could have been “okay” had Ed’s cock not been in his mouth. Then Ed finally really realized it. His cock was in Rob’s mouth.

“Fucking Jesus hell…” he moaned loudly, gripping his friend’s hair tightly in his fingers and letting the orgasm run through him. Ed stilled and made a weird gagging noise, though he still swirled his tongue a bit and stayed where he was.

When he was finally done coming, Ed slid down the door and sat his trembling body right in front of Rob who was rubbing his jaw. The other boy stuck out his tongue and inspected it, looking a little disgusted.

“That,” he stated emphatically, “did not taste too good.”

Ed let out a shaky laugh, still feeling like a pile of worthless Jell-o. Seriously… he had never had an orgasm like that. He was pretty sure he’d come so hard that his shoes had been blown off.

“Hey,” Rob intoned quietly, “you alright there?”

A goofy smile spreading across his face, Ed nodded. “Yeah. That was… that was… wow. Just wow. Thanks, uh… You’re… you’ve been holding out on me.” At Rob’s blush, Ed felt a giggle rising out of him. He was punch-drunk and he swore he could almost hear birds singing. Or maybe the rat was singing? Even if it was the rat, the euphoria wasn’t fading and he grinned at the boy before him.

“Uh, it wasn’t that big a deal…” Rob offered lamely. “Here, let me,” he murmured, leaning forward and rearranging Ed into his pants before zipping him up. The action was sweet and Ed, following yet another impulse, grabbed Rob by the back of the neck and kissed him thoroughly.

“Again,” he gasped once he pulled away, “thank you.”

For once, Ed was the one who made Rob speechless.

And then Ed was on his back, looking up into a face that was the epitome of rage.


Ed could only gape upwards from where he remained on the floor. Rob, apparently, had leapt to his feet.

“Sorry Mr. Ferrell!” he nearly yelled, causing Ed to gape up at him as well. His friend’s voice had that edge of panic to it that always made Ed’s scrotum feel like it was about to jump up into his body. “We needed… cleaning fluid! For cleaning things! He got mustard on his shirt! WE WERE CLEANING!”

Oh my God, Ed thought frantically. Rob’s head is actually going to explode. Luckily the hallway was empty, save one Jon Leibowitz who was observing the whole scene with an open mouth and wide eyes. Well, so much for hoping Jon doesn’t think we were completely insane, Ed reflected ruefully.

“WHY WERE YOU IN MY SPECIAL ME-ZONE?” the janitor was still nearly screaming. “WHY, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WHY?” Suddenly, he placed a horrified hand over his heart. “Dear God, DID YOU HURT RUPERT?!”

Ed could only assume Rupert was the unfortunate rat that lived in the cupboard-sized room. “No!” Ed shrieked. “He’s fine!” Clamoring to his feet, he gestured wildly. “He just went into the corner while we cleaned! He’s fine!”

“We have class!” Rob suddenly said all too loudly. “We need to go to class!”

Eyes narrowing, the janitor glanced suspiciously from one boy to the other. “If I find out that you hurt Rupert…”

“You can feel free to kill us at will,” Ed replied hastily. “For now, we have to go. Thanks for letting us use your closet!”

Both beginning to bolt, they halted for a second in front of Jon. The three just stared at each other for a moment, the awkwardness of the situation almost palpable.

“So, uh…” Jon ventured, rubbing the back of his neck and glancing down the hall. “Guess I’ll see you guys in Spanish tomorrow?”

“Yeah,” Rob said, his voice still a good decibel louder than it needed to be. “See you!”

As the two other boys fled the scene, Jon found himself alone with the janitor. “Uh… crazy right?” he offered, chuckling nervously.

The janitor only glared at the boy through squinting eyes. “I know you had something to do with this,” he finally grated out after a moment. “And when I find out how, you’ll have to watch yourself. Watch. Your. SELF.”

“Uh…” Jon backed away. “Alright then. Have a nice… day?”

Turning tail, he took off.

“There’s one every year, Rupert,” the man murmured, grabbing his pail that had been so callously knocked over. “There’s one every year.”



Tune in next time for a REAL chapter! Haha, that's all you're getting.

*End-note: You all crack me up with you're guessing at what's going to happen in this story. It's cute because you're mostly right. Anyways, here's a list of possible new additions to the story: David Cross (a brilliant suggestion), Alec Baldwin, Tina Fey, Hannity and/or Colmes, Rachel Ray, Wolf Blitzer, Geraldo Rivera, Amy Poehler, Conan O'Brien, and Rachel Dratch. If you have any other suggestions for characters/pairings (especially if you have females in mind or a mate for Anderson) let me know!

Disclaimer: Any similarity between the fictional version of the person portrayed here and the actual persons is purely coincidental. This is a work of fiction. This is not an attempt to defame the character of said person on the basis of libel, as the work is FICTIONAL (and NOT an intently false statement created with the express purpose of misleading others about the actual character of said person).

Any mention of 'The Daily Show', 'The Colbert Report', 'Viacom', any associated entites, or any copyrighted material pertaining therein is reasonably protected by the Fair Use Rule of the United States Copyright Act of 1976 and is not intended to infringe upon any copyrighted material.
15th-Feb-2007 09:34 am (UTC)
yay, valentime's day smut!

(also: i got first comment AGAIN? I rock! and/or am spending too much time being a fangirl when i'm supposed to be doing assignments...)
15th-Feb-2007 07:42 pm (UTC)
Haha, join the club sister. Only, I write when I should be sleeping rather than doing work. Yay being awake for days at a time!

15th-Feb-2007 09:53 am (UTC)
Firs off yay! I'm loving this story. LMAO closet sex and being found by Will Ferrell.. yay akwardness in the hall! I'm ready for the next chapter

Woot I'm the one who suggested David Cross, and because you think it's brilliant I expect to see him worked into the story soon *tries to look menacing*

Oh someone commented last chapter that they thought Anderson/Nate would be cute, and I agree :)
15th-Feb-2007 07:48 pm (UTC)
Yaaaay I'm glad someone got that it was Will Ferrell. I was like "is that clear enough?" But I think it'll become crystal clear later on.

Haha, DAVID CROSS IS AMAZING! I've already figured out what his character is going to be. Well, he may be in the story relatively soon. And by relatively, I mean in a few chapters. Bwahaha, I am evil.

Hmm... see, I already have someone for Nate. And I think I may have solved the Anderson problem. I think.

15th-Feb-2007 11:19 am (UTC) - HOLY SHIT YAY
Hi, you totally won't remember me, but I started fangirling (well, probably more like annoying) you awhile ago about a John/Paul story you wrote that slayed me with its awesomeness. And this story seems to be doing EXACTLY THE SAME THING, OMG.

I'm way late to the party, as usual, but man, I am all about crackfic and this is the best kind, all high-school and all-encompassing and sweet and yay! And FUNNY. And I love fics when people get shoved into uncomfortable situations (like awkward!Jon, all new-around-here and adorable), and you deliver.

Speaking of delivery - closet sex, yaaaaaaaaaay!!! Dude. Who doesn't love closet sexings? And crazy janitors, of course. And man, trust me, you're SO not crap at this sort of thing. Believe me. Bashfulness is completely unnecessary, cause you rock some kind of universal casbah.

Seriously, this story is so completely and inherently awesome. I continue to be stunned by your skillz.
15th-Feb-2007 07:53 pm (UTC) - Re: HOLY SHIT YAY
Hmm, I can't really remember which story it was but I do recognize your unsername and icon. I saw it and I was like "I know this person!" and then was pleasantly surprised to see that you said you're from johnheartpaul. Man, I love that community so hard.

It's funny, this project has been the most responded to out of anything I've ever written yet it's something I've taken remarkably little time editing/caring about. Funny how that happens.

Haha, I still feel bashful about the quasi-smut. I get awkward about it, which is why I think I'm good at awkward!porn. And teenage boys being awkward. Hell, I just loves me some awkward.

Anyway, thanks for reading and happy V-day.
15th-Feb-2007 11:38 am (UTC)
I FANGIRL for this story. *squee*

OMG you are love. That was so hot and sweet and made me joygasm. Rob/Ed as teenagers is so fucking adorable. The janitor reminds me of the Scrubs janitor. Poor Jon, what's he supposed to think? Hopefully it's something sexy.

Seriously, MOREMOREMORE YOU ARE LOVE. More Rob/Ed emotional lovin/hot sexxorin please? =D
16th-Feb-2007 05:41 pm (UTC)
AHA, I was successful! I was trying to make a weird Will Ferrell version of the Scrubs janitor. I was hoping that would come across. Wow, I so blatantly steal from everywhere, don't I?

The Rob/Ed interludes may become a sort-of-regular thing until I develop some of the other relationships. But don't hold me to that! They are really fun to write though, so you might actually be able to hold me to that.

15th-Feb-2007 12:54 pm (UTC)
It's certainly crack 'fic. However, it's extremely well written crack 'fic. I love it! I've read it twice in about ten minutes.

Your portrayal of Ed and Rob is absolutely adoreable (I love Rob's awkwardness and Ed's geekiness).
16th-Feb-2007 05:44 pm (UTC)
Ah, the crack seems to be getting worse I fear. Hopefully it won't spiral too far into the world of ridiculousness. I'm glad you love it though.

I'm kind of in love with both of them. I want to be their friend and have them tell me of their sexual escapades while drinking pina coladas and watching the History Channel.

Man, my fantasies are really fucked up.

(btw, your icon is looooove. I just recently got into that show over winter break. Oh, Dr. Who. You are amazing.)
15th-Feb-2007 01:18 pm (UTC)
Oh, oh, you've KILLED ME. This is so great, all of this... SO DEAD. I can't wait for Stephen and Jon to actually have a conversation, and HOW MUCH do I love Rob/Ed?!? They're the most adorable ever. This whole fic could have been about just the two of them and I would still be just as dead! I'm so in love with this, this is crack done REALLY FRAKKING WELL. <3

I'm sending you my funeral costs, just so ya know. :P
16th-Feb-2007 05:47 pm (UTC)
Hahaha, you can be dead as long as you come back as a zombie. Then I won't feel as guilty. And I can say that I know a zombie.

I love Rob/Ed too, as I'm sure you can tell since I keep writing about them. Jon and Stephen will talk eventually, they just... are shy. And are being pulled in different directions. It'll happen though! It will happen.

Oh, and your icon is amazing. Ahhh I love him.
15th-Feb-2007 05:25 pm (UTC)
*_* yummy~. nnnngh

I'm going to pretend that the Janitor is... well, the Janitor from Scrubs. :P For my own amusement.

15th-Feb-2007 05:28 pm (UTC)
Omg, LMAO, I thought the same thing about the janitor! XDDD
15th-Feb-2007 05:28 pm (UTC)
Ooooh, that was fun. XD
16th-Feb-2007 05:50 pm (UTC)
I'm glad you enjoyed it. And your icon has me in a trance... whooooa. I think it's giving me a seizure.
15th-Feb-2007 08:53 pm (UTC)
omg. This is the first time I've like Ed/Rob, EVER.

And Will Ferrel is so goddamned funny that I nearly made an ass out of myself at work. (reading at work = baaaaad Heidi).

Update!! Soon! please?

oh and how about Soledad for one of the girls?
16th-Feb-2007 05:53 pm (UTC)
It's a good pairing. EMBRACE THE LOVE THAT IS RED (as I call it in my mind)!

SOLEDAD! Why didn't I think of that? That works. I just need to figure out where the hell she would fit in.

I'm working on the next part... so hopefully it'll be up soonish. Real life may prevent that from happening though, seeing as I have a lot of work next week. Boo.
15th-Feb-2007 08:57 pm (UTC)
Will Ferrell as the janitor? Total win.

And by the way, you had me laughing so hard I forgot to pay attention to my baby nephew, who then proceeded to pull the curtain down on himself. And then he burst into giggles and grinned at me all proud.

And the new additions? Tina Fey? Conan? Hell yes baby. You sould have Ricky Gervais come in too. I know you said suggest females and he's not a female...sorry. Oh well!

I love this story more than humanly possible. :)
16th-Feb-2007 05:57 pm (UTC)
I was inspired by Scrubs. In the shower, I was thinking "You know what? This story needs a crazy janitor. Who could be a crazy janitor? AHAHA WILL FERRELL OMG!!!" And then I laughed like a crazy person.

Your nephew sounds cute and destructive... just the way all children should be.

I think Tina and Conan may be paired. Because I love both of them and was inspired by 30 Rock. Ricky Gervais isn't too bad of an idea either... he might be thrown onto the "possibilities pile". I just think it might be weird to keep having random British people showing up in a middle America town. But this is crack, so where do I get off caring about reality?

15th-Feb-2007 09:50 pm (UTC)
I have to agree, I picture Will Ferrell as being the crazy Scrubs janitor. Next thing I know he'll be leaving buckets around for Jon to trip on :D Rob and Ed are SO CUTE. They make my life!
WOAH CONAN. GENIUS. I like Tina Fey too.
Let's see, girls...Erica Hill, the chick Anderson always flirts with during the Business Bulletin? Just to keep up appearances, of course :P Christianne Amanpour? Katie Couric :/? Which leads me to Brian Williams, but he's no lady...
16th-Feb-2007 06:04 pm (UTC)
Haha, that's no coincidence that you thought that since I blatantly stole the janitor's mannerisms and gave them to Will Ferrell. I was sort of picturing him as doing that "dad yelling at his kid to get off the shed" sketch he did on SNL. Oh, I love that man.

I think I want Conan and Tina to get together. Yay.

Hmm... Erica Hill eh? I don't know. Anderson's kind of the only person on CNN I can stand. I have a weird hatred for all televised news. Christianne Amanpour may be too random for me and I won't really know how to write her. Katie Couric however might be funny. And Brian Williams... that makes me chuckle. Hee. I can't think of who he would be! I find him weirdly boring. But I'm also a bad person, so you know. I'll think about it...

16th-Feb-2007 03:38 am (UTC)
Okay, I've read every chapter, but school has been all up my ASS. ::shakes fist:: Why couldn't I just major in slash with a minor in crack?
This is pure awesome-osity, wonderfulness, sillayass greatness. I love it like butter, and where you're going with this is such fun.
A partner for Anderson? I don't know…
I want to see Amy/[someone]. And if Amy's in this school, where's David? :D?
16th-Feb-2007 06:08 pm (UTC)
I wish I could major in slash. I told my parents that if I could major in anything I wanted, it would be in the sociology of sexuality with a concentration in the history of homosexuality. Now they think I'm a lesbian. Oh, mommy and daddy... no. I just love gay men.

I think I may have solved the Anderson problem. I think. We'll see if I decide that it's satisactory or not.

Oh, Amy will get with someone. And I'm afraid David is in college since he's a good few years older than her. Not that I would even know how to write him if he wasn't. Maybe he'll make an appearence someday? Maybe.

(Deleted comment)
16th-Feb-2007 06:11 pm (UTC)
OMG EDDIE IZZARD I LOVE HIM TOO MUCH YAAAAAAY!!! Dammit, I don't have any of Eddie icons on this username. Damn me! Oh well.

And Will Ferrell is indeed amazing. Have you ever seen his sketch where he's the dad yelling at his kids to get off the shed? That's how I pictured him. Only a janitor. A weirdly Scrubs-like janitor.

16th-Feb-2007 11:57 pm (UTC)
OMG! I heart Will Ferrell the janitor! This chapter was just...gah. Pure love! I can't wait for the next part!
18th-Feb-2007 04:16 am (UTC)
gah! meant to comment on this SOONER because it is so soooo good. i am being smothered by my own laughter from reading this. SO DAMN GOOD.

And now I have you to blame for making me so damn in love with Ed/Rob. Omgggg, they are the best. AND CRAZY JANITOR, WILL FERRELL STYLE, FTW.

And might as well comment on the other part I missed: SAM AND JASON ARE SO GREAT. Haha, they remind me sooooo much of myself and this guy I dated in high school. Except the guy was thankfully not so deafeningly loud.

And Jon just wins. All he has to do is stand and do nothing and he would win. But it is better when he is talking and being smarmy and making smoking look so good outside the school. And I am now perving on my imagined high-school version of hot guys. Way to go me.

Oh, yeah. New pairing. Geraldo/his moustache. :P
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