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Reject Reality: Embrace the Absurd
I am but mad north by northwest...
Fast Times at NAMBLA High: Part 3 
5th-Feb-2007 03:25 pm
Aretha Putin
I swear I'll post something else eventually. But this is amusing me too much right now. Just watch, I'll be bored with it in like 3 days.

Title: Fast Times at NAMBLA High: Part Three
Author: Mwah.
Fandom: The Daily Show... with a smattering of guest appearances.
Pairing: Including but not limited to:
Jon/Stephen, Stephen/Paul, Stephen/Craig Kilborn, Jon/Anderson Cooper, Paul/Amy, Rob/Frustration, Ed/Confusion, (Rob/Frustration)/(Ed/Confusion), Mo Rocca/Lewis Black, Sam/Jason, Demetri Martin/Nathan Corddry, Bob Novak/Hair nets, Aasif Mandvi/Tucker Carlson, Stone Phillips/Barbara Walters, Dan Bakkedahl/Rob Riggle, Dane Cook/His ego, Dave Gorman/John Oliver, Jerry Seinfeld/Steve Carell, Bill O’Reilly/Hatred, Keith Olbermann/Everyone, John Hodgeman/Bill Gates, Tucker/Craig, Aasif/Anderson, John Hodgeman/Sarah Vowell, Will Ferrell/MOP?, Keith/Dennis Leary, George Clooney/Charm
Rating: R for teh smut! OH NOES!
Warning: Crack: it's what's for dinner. Other warnings: AU, drug use, underage drinking, het crap, and Will Ferrell being creepy. For this specific chapter? PRON. Not really, it's tasteful. But I'm still bashful about it.
A/N: Part three of my crazy high school AU. If people seem two-dimensional right now, I promise you they will get more developed. Unless it's Will Ferrell... he's going to remain creepy. Forever. And ever. This chapter is a bit more serious. Woo!
Length: 3234
Feedback: Feedback helps my crack addiction. Give generously.
Previous chapters:
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Summary: This is what I wrote as a summary at 3 in the AM when I was supposed to be writing a paper but instead conceived of this horrifying brainchild:

The OC meets TDS meets High School Musical meets TCR meets Queer As Folk times a billion meets my life meets Strangers with Candy meets Footloose meets Are You There God, It’s Me Margaret meets CNN meets CRACK.

In this edition of FTANH: O'Reilly is Jon's anti-drug, Jon is a hero, Ed is cozy, Rob is sincere, and Diehard makes surprisingly good porno music.

Part Three

Jon leaned against the wall, using it for support as he puffed away on his dwindling cigarette. So the crap day had gotten even crappier, ending in more of a whimper than a bang. He’d sat by himself at lunch, almost got kicked in the head when he had tripped on the stairs, and had not had one real conversation with anyone. He was off to a good start.

History had been alright, considering his teacher was British and apparently new judging by the looks of awe the other students kept giving him. Gorman was pretty accurate and Jon had found no reason to keep up a silent commentary on what he was saying as he had with most of his other classes. God, this school seemed to attract some crap teachers.

“Young man!”

Jon started as he realized it was him being addressed. “Uh, yes?” he asked, turning to look at the graying man before him. He looked like a dick. Great.

“You realize you’re smoking on school property, don’t you?”

Jon stared at his cigarette as if he hadn’t noticed it before. “Oh, dear, am I?” he intoned innocently, still bringing the butt to his lips.

“Yes!” came the huffed reply. “What’s your name?”

Jon sighed. “Leibowitz,” he answered quietly.

The older man narrowed his eyes. “New here?”

“Yes,” Jon sighed again.

“Well, I’m vice Principal O’Reilly and you should know, regardless of where you might have come from,” he glanced Jon up and down, disgust barely concealed on his face, “smoking on school property is strictly prohibited.”

Jon took another drag. What a dillhole. “Is it now?” he replied nonchalantly. Don’t push it, Leibowitz, he silently chided himself. But he’d had a shitty day and now, right when he was enjoying filling his lungs with tar, this fuckall had to ruin even that for him.

“Yes,” O’Reilly answered earnestly. “It is. Now put it out.”

Jon stared at him for a second more before sighing and tossing the cigarette on the ground and crushing it with his toe. “Alright, it’s out.”

“Are you just going to loiter?”

Jon glanced around the surrounding space, taking in all the other students milling about. “Uh… no? I’m waiting for the bus.” He tried to not sound too annoyed.

“Alright, I’m watching you.” Oh, he did not just do the fingers pointing to eyes then pointing at him thing. Jon bit back a laugh.

“Yes sir,” he said in a way that he hoped sounded respectful.

For Jon, the next few moments were a complete blur.

He couldn’t exactly recount the specifics of what had happened next, but it all started when he had looked slightly to his right and noticed some kid bending to pick up his notebook. He was in the middle of the drive up to the school and Jon very quickly took in the fact that the stupid kid wasn’t alone in the small street. A car was racing up the pavement and with a sinking feeling, Jon realized that it wasn’t stopping. Good God, it was not stopping.

Without thinking and with no warning, Jon bolted from the wall he had been currently resting against and sped past the startled O’Reilly to full-body tackle the boy who was slowly, so slowly straightening from his squatting position. The kid let out a small indignant sound as the two hit the ground, Jon landing on top of him with an “oof” as the car squealed to a stop a few feet beyond where the boy had been previously standing.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” the kid finally shrieked from underneath Jon as the older boy caught his breath. Then the kid noticed the car that had almost collided with him and let out a noise of surprise. “Oh my God,” he whispered.

Jon got his breathing and shaking under control and slowly pushed off the boy beneath him and got to his feet, hands trembling as he ran them through his hair. The younger boy stared up at him with wide eyes. “Are you okay?” Jon panted.

“I’m… Oh my God…” the boy whispered again, eyes darting from Jon to the car.

It was then that the car door swung open and Tucker Carlson got out. Jon glanced his way, his eyes full of poison, before helping the other boy to his feet.

“Oh… my… Jesus…” Carlson breathed, looking (much to Jon’s satisfaction) fairly distressed at what had almost happened.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Jon hissed at him before turning to check the younger kid to make sure he was okay. “You almost fucking killed him!”

Tucker’s expression changed to shock and then quickly a mask of anger went up. “Well,” he sputtered, “if the stupid kid had been watching what he was doing…”

“What, watching for fucking homicidal drivers?” Jon spat. “Seriously, man. Just get out of here.”

Tucker glared at him another moment, eyes flitting to the trembling kid standing beside Jon before turning haughtily and climbing back in the car. Without another word, he sped off, leaving Jon and the kid alone with a small crowd gaping at them in wonder.

Once the sound of the engine died away, Jon noticed two boys standing a few paces from where the car had been. One of them looked quite a bit like the kid beside him, only a bit bigger and brawnier, and he was gripping the bespectacled boy’s arm next to him right above the wrist. His knuckles were white. Jon glanced at the hand and quickly looked away, feeling that the touch was weirdly intimate and he really had no right to be intruding.

The boy seemed to come to himself and released his friend before suddenly almost-screaming, “NATE! WHAT THE HELL?” It could have been misconstrued as angry but Jon heard the note of extreme anxiety in the boy’s voice.

Nate, as Jon now assumed his name was, began to tremble even harder and merely breathed out a choked, “I’m sorry Rob…”

Rob then surged forward and grabbed Nate hard into an awkward hug, repeating the words, “What the fuck, Nate?” over and over. Jon shifted a bit uncomfortably and glanced at the boy in glasses who was alternately looking uneasily at his friend with his brother and Jon. He offered a small dorky smile that Jon attempted to return.

As the embrace ended, Rob pulled back and suddenly seemed to notice Jon standing there. “God, man…” Rob stuttered awkwardly. “Just, I’m… thank you… just… God…”

Jon shrugged stupidly. “Uh… it was a reflex, man. No worries.”

“Seriously,” Rob said earnestly now, “you’re… just… yeah.” He ran a shaky hand through his hair and shook his head a little as if to clear it. “I’m uh… Rob Corddry… this is my brother Nate…”

“Hi,” Nate said weakly.

“And this is my friend Ed Helms.” Ed came forward and shook Jon’s hand in a weirdly professional way. “Do you uh… do you need a ride or anything?”

Jon was getting out another cigarette and shook his head. The crowd that had been watching was dispersing now, much to Jon’s relief. “Uh, no, I’m cool.” He put the cigarette to his lips and remembered himself. “Oh right, I’m Jon. Leibowitz.”

“Oh right…” Ed murmured. “You’re in our Spanish class.”

The four boys stood in their odd semi-circle in silence, all letting the adrenaline work its way through their systems as they focused on the ground.

“So, uh… I’m gonna take off,” Jon offered awkwardly, jerking his head in the direction he was headed. “Think I’m going to walk… you know, so I can smoke and all.”

“Okay, sure,” Ed responded, seemingly the only one who could do so. Jon acknowledged him with a slight nod of his head and began to depart before Rob grabbed his sleeve by the elbow.

“Just… I won’t forget this,” came his hushed voice. Jon was a little startled by the intensity he found in Rob’s eyes. “Just ask Ed. I don’t forget things.”

Ed was nodding earnestly. “He really doesn’t,” he remarked, accentuating the point.

Jon didn’t know whether to be creeped out or not. It was like he had just done a favor to the mob or something. “Uh, okay?” he said uncertainly. Rob seemed to find this satisfactory and let him go, nodding slowly with that odd look still on his face. Jon gave him a small, lop-sided smile and made his way.

As he trudged away, he saw Rob throw a forceful arm over Nate’s smaller shoulders out of his peripheral vision and heard him say, “Never fucking do that again,” in a voice that was somewhat rough yet jovial at the same time.

The three boys’ laughter filled Jon’s ears as he turned up the street to begin the long walk to his house.

Little did he know that there was another witness to the whole incident, standing in the alcove feeling very impressed by this new boy and wondering where the hell Paul was.


“Geronimo, Motherfucker!”

Ed was trying in vain not to move.

He liked Diehard as much as the next guy and Bruce Willis was kickass as usual, but right now he found himself in a position resting comfortably underneath Rob’s arm on Rob’s bed and he didn’t want to do anything to disturb the peace of such a precarious situation.

He had somehow found himself snuggled against Rob’s side when he had dozed for a few minutes (hey, school was taxing and a man needs his rest) and now he assumed he was safe to stay as he was under the pretense of still being asleep. Hence the whole not being able to move thing. Not that he would have wanted to move, mind you, but Ed was used to shifting around so being dead-still was a bit of a strain for him.

He was then shocked when Rob openly addressed him, ruining the façade completely.

“Nate could have died today,” the other boy whispered, his arm remaining around Ed.

Still cozy against Rob’s side, Ed was unsure of what to do. Was he supposed to respond or pretend to still be asleep lest Rob shove him away?

So he decided to go the middle road. “Mmm?” he murmured in what he hoped was a sleepy voice. “What?”

Miraculously, Rob’s arm stayed around him and Ed’s head remained pressed to Rob’s chest. “Nate. That car… just… he could have died, Ed.”

Ed paused, taken aback a bit at Rob’s earnest tone. “I know,” he conceded softly. “But… he didn’t. He’s okay. Everything’s okay.”

It was Rob’s turn to pause. “I know.” Ed then felt the arm that was snaked around him tighten the slightest bit as Rob let out a sigh. “Thanks.”

Ed smiled into the other boy’s shirt even though he wasn’t sure what it was exactly that he was being thanked for. “No problem,” he sighed, finally allowing himself to shift a little, if only the tiniest bit closer to his friend. “Rob,” he said suddenly, before being startled by his own voice and falling back into silence.

“What?” was the response as the other boy jostled him a little to get him to continue.

“Just, uh… how long have we been friends?” Ed noticed that they were both resolutely ignoring the fact that his hand had somehow found its way onto his friend’s thigh.

“Dunno,” Rob stated flippantly. “Years. Since we were kids.”

“Do you…” Ed stopped, feeling a bit ill as he considered going on. A light squeeze on his shoulder encouraged him to proceed. “Do you remember, in middle school… that one time at my house…”

“What… Jerking off together?” Rob snorted. Ed was impressed that Rob had guessed at what he was thinking though he wasn’t sure if he appreciated the other boy’s dismissive tone. “Uh, yeah. What about it?”

“Nothing,” Ed responded cryptically. “I was wondering if you remembered.”

There was a mildly awkward pause as both boys took no notice of Ed’s finger slowly drawing lazy lines on Rob’s thigh. Ed felt Rob’s Adam’s apple bob against the back of his head as he swallowed dryly and the breath exiting his nose tickled his hair.

“Rob…” Ed started again.

“Yeah?” came the husky reply.

Ed tried to sound nonchalant as his finger slowly moved to play with Ed’s inseam. “I just… do you remember Sam’s party? When, uh… with that dare?”

“I was drunk,” was Rob’s slightly desperate and hasty reply. This, of course, was a lie… though Rob had gotten drunk immediately after the fact.

“So… you remember?” Ed continued, his whole hand now resting firmly in very close proximity to Rob’s crotch. Both failed to recognize this fact since it was obviously not happening, though Ed could feel Rob’s pulse quickening under his cheek.

“Yeah,” Rob panted slightly. “I do.”

“So… you remember kissing me.” Ed almost shocked himself with his own bluntness.

“Of course I do,” Rob hissed in frustration. “I wasn’t… I wasn’t that drunk. I mean, yeah, drunk, but not… uh…” He was distracted again as Ed’s hand started traveling farther north as if spurred on by its own will.

“But you remember,” Ed exhaled, trying to catch his own breath. He had very obviously gone insane or was dreaming because this wasn’t happening.

“Yes,” Rob murmured, though in Ed’s humble opinion it sounded a rather lot like a moan.

“What… what did you think of it?” came his hushed question.

“I… uh… it was…”


“I… Fuck, Ed…”

And that was all he needed to hear.

Prompted by that note of desperation in his friend’s voice, Ed’s hand finally came in contact with Rob’s jeans-clad hard-on. Rob let out an odd noise, something between a grunt and a cough and as Ed squeezed slightly it melted into a moan.

They still weren’t looking at each other with Ed’s head determinedly in the crook of Rob’s arm with the other boy still staring blankly at the television. Ed moved his hand slightly and felt the arm around him tighten as Rob made another pleasant noise.

Ed slowly rubbed up and down, taking his sweet time and grinning to himself when Rob made an adorably plaintive sound. Taking pity, he moved his fingers up to the other boy’s fly and popped the button open; the hiss of the zipper filling the room seemingly drowning out the gunfire on the television and the panting of the two boys.

Lowering Rob’s waistband, Ed suddenly found himself face-to-face with his friend’s erection. It was a bit of an astounding sight and Ed just stared at it for a moment before a little needy noise escaped Rob and Ed came to his senses, wrapping his hand around the other boy.

Rob nearly yelped and soon pressed his face into his friend’s hair as Ed’s hand moved up and down his shaft.

“Oh, God…” he murmured against the boy he was clutching.

Suddenly, Ed felt himself being forced back by both shoulders and, for one heart-crushing moment, he was sure Rob had finally come to his senses and was pushing him away. But no… the miracles continued as Rob simply shoved him onto his back before straddling him.

“I… just…” Rob looked unsure of what to do with his hands for a moment, fluttering them up and down Ed’s body in agitation though he didn’t touch him. Finally he reached for Ed’s fly with a desperation that Ed found both exhilarating as well as a little frightening and nearly ripped his pants open.

Looking lost again, Rob finally spat into his hand (this of course elicited a small grimace from Ed, who was not all that fond of bodily fluids) before grasping both of their erections together roughly and pumping with a frenzy that suddenly sent all blood from Ed’s brain decidedly south. Alright, so maybe spit was okay after all.

Or insanely awesome. Yes, spit was awesome. Ed was going to have to completely reevaluate his stance on bodily fluids on a whole now.

Arching his back a little, Ed wished for more friction as Rob continued. The other boy’s head soon fell into his chest, his hot breath dampening Ed’s shirt and wafting over their joined erections. Ed whimpered a little before squeezing his eyes shut and fisting Rob’s shirt with both hands.

“God, Ed… I…” Rob panted, twisting his wrist a bit.

“I know…” Ed moaned, his head thrown back.

With a slight cry mixed with something akin to a sob, Rob was shuddering and muttering something incoherent as his face moved to press into Ed’s neck. Feeling the wetness spurting onto his stomach, Ed suddenly groaned loudly and let go as well.

They both lay there for a moment, the pleasant waves crashing over them before they passed away and Ed realized that he had just jerked off and been jerked off by his best friend.

A strange silence descended in the room as Rob remained pressed against Ed’s neck and Ed was trying his damndest not to panic. What if Rob hated him now? What if he got mad? Rob always got mad! At stupid things, too! How would this be any different? HOW?!

Finally, the insane babbling was cut off in his head when Rob slowly raised his face to look into Ed’s eyes. There was a question there that Ed wasn’t sure he was up to answering but, much to his relief, the other boy didn’t look angry. Thank God.

Then a smile flitted across Rob’s face and Ed felt some sort of deranged form of butterflies filling his stomach… though at the moment it more felt like flying elephants crashing around in there. Grabbing another shirt, Rob hastily cleaned the two of them. The act felt oddly intimate as the cloth lightly brushed Ed’s skin and he tried to swallow the giddy panic that was still dwelling in his throat.

Rob suddenly sighed, breaking the silence. “Well,” he stated matter-of-factly, “this is a mess.”

The two boys stole a look at each other and found themselves launched into a fit of insane giggles. As their laughter died down, both of them somewhat discreetly tucked themselves back in and zipped up. Ed felt oddly shy at the moment and gestured lamely at Rob’s shirt.

“Sorry for the uh…” a helpless giggle shot out of him. “… You know.”

Rob giggled back. “Yeah, same to you.”

They regarded each other again for a second before Rob shocked all the panic out of Ed by swiftly moving forward and planting a kiss on his friend’s lips. He was gone as soon as he was there though and as Ed sat there blinking dumbly, Rob stripped off his shirt in one fluid motion. He then flopped down on the bed, turning to his side and closing his eyes.

“Well, I need a nap,” he stated to a still-stunned Ed. “You?”

“Uh… sure,” Ed replied, taking off his glasses and shirt as well and lying down hesitantly. They stayed that way for a moment with Ed stiffly on his back and Rob facing away from him until Rob made an impatient noise and gripped Ed’s arm, pulling it over his chest so they were in a spooning position.

Neither said anything and soon their evening breaths lulled each other to sleep, the sounds of Bruce Willis shooting terrorists their lullaby.



Tune in next time for even more awkwardness, abiguous relationships, and Paul being vague.

Author's end-note: I just would like to say that I don't really think Tucker Carlson would ever try and hit someone with his car. Also, if you have any pairings you'd like to suggest, why not try it out and see if I throw if on my already orgy-like pile? Yay slash.

Disclaimer: Any similarity between the fictional version of the person portrayed here and the actual persons is purely coincidental. This is a work of fiction. This is not an attempt to defame the character of said person on the basis of libel, as the work is FICTIONAL (and NOT an intently false statement created with the express purpose of misleading others about the actual character of said person).

Any mention of 'The Daily Show', 'The Colbert Report', 'Viacom', any associated entites, or any copyrighted material pertaining therein is reasonably protected by the Fair Use Rule of the United States Copyright Act of 1976 and is not intended to infringe upon any copyrighted material.
5th-Feb-2007 09:11 pm (UTC)
FIRST COMMENT! lol I haven't even read it, just wanted to reiterate the excitement.
5th-Feb-2007 09:12 pm (UTC)
AW! Your eagerness makes me feel all smooshy on the inside. Looove.
5th-Feb-2007 09:26 pm (UTC)
Man, I just... I love this, it's so awesome... and er... *cough*I'm always down with threesomes*cough*
5th-Feb-2007 10:45 pm (UTC)
I have to say... I feel awkward about threesomes. Like, too awkward to write one. And they're almost too messy emotionally. I can do love triangles but I have a hard time understanding the threesome mentality. The only way that will probably happen is if it's a really cracktastic threesome... like... Novak/Will Ferrell/O'Reilly.

Oh no. I just vomitted a little at that.

Your icon is love.
5th-Feb-2007 09:26 pm (UTC)
YES, awkward Rob/Ed! And I love Jon saving Nate, especially Stephen seeing it all and being impressed. OMG VICE PRINCIPAL O'REILLY LOL! Awesome, per usual :D
5th-Feb-2007 10:47 pm (UTC)
Haha, Rob/Ed/Awkwardness = OT3. For rizzle.

I like having Stephen being the almost-creepy observer right now. Okay, so not really creepy, but you know what I mean.

I was trying to think of what postion O'Reilly would have in a high school... he was almost the crazy janitor but I thought vice principal worked better.
5th-Feb-2007 09:41 pm (UTC)
O'Reilly as Vice Principal & awkward rob/ed FTW! I approve of this fiction and await the next installment with bated breath!
5th-Feb-2007 10:51 pm (UTC)
OMG abe_kroenen!!!!! I LOVE IT!!!!

Seriously, one of my favorite things ever. I have a bunch of icons for it on my other username but alas I have no more room on this one. Boo.

Hopefully the next installment will be written soon! All of the ones before have been written entirely on a whim so we'll see if the trend continues.
(Deleted comment)
5th-Feb-2007 10:52 pm (UTC)
Oh, they're coming soon. I'm excited to write them. Yaaay. Thanks for reading!
5th-Feb-2007 10:11 pm (UTC)
I... I think I love you...
5th-Feb-2007 10:53 pm (UTC)
Hee, the love is mutual! Yaaaay love.
(Deleted comment)
5th-Feb-2007 10:55 pm (UTC)
Haha thank you! You're fantastic as well.
5th-Feb-2007 10:36 pm (UTC)
this can only lead to many many good things, thank you god.

also, unless you're morally oppossed to the idea, i think tucker needs to get some sexing from some (any) male (dinello? olbermann?) who will then proceed to send him into a deep and dark sexual confusion and then ultimately break his heart. because as much as i love the kid, i equally love seeing tucker get hurt.
5th-Feb-2007 10:58 pm (UTC)
You read my mind, foxy lady. No joke. But who will the mystery man be? WHO??? But he'll get put back together in the end. But by WHO?????

Or is it whom? I've been typing for like... a week straight and have lost my grasp of the english language. Unfortunately, it is the only langage I know. Uh oh.
5th-Feb-2007 10:50 pm (UTC)
I love you so much right now.

OMG ROB/ED! SO MUCH LOVE!!!1111eleven!1!
5th-Feb-2007 11:00 pm (UTC)
Haha I love them as a pair. Like, I couldn't sleep last night so I went, "You know what would be more fun than sitting in my bed staring at my ceiling? Writing Rob/Ed". And then there was much rejoicing.

5th-Feb-2007 11:42 pm (UTC)
I don't usually comment on stuff but your Rob/Ed was just perfect. Looking forward to the next part :)
13th-Feb-2007 08:35 am (UTC)
YAY you commented! Go you and coming out of relative lurkdom!

Aaaand bee tee double-yoo, the next part as been posted. Just in case you be interested.
(Deleted comment)
13th-Feb-2007 08:38 am (UTC)
Just a warning, the casting gets even more ridiculous. Bwahahah.

And more sexing is to come. But not in the next part. BUT MORE WILL COME (tee hee, puns).

6th-Feb-2007 12:26 am (UTC)
I just started reading the story this afternoon and I've really enjoyed it! Looking forward to the next part. :)
6th-Feb-2007 12:51 am (UTC)
i believe you have it correct--it is who. unless you were saying "By whom shall tucky get blown?" or something...min engelska är inte så bra antingen, fastän är det min första språk också! (my english isn't so good either, even though it is my first language as well!)

haha luckily i have swedish as well...random, yes?

either way...let's see some more of thisssss.
6th-Feb-2007 12:53 am (UTC)
don't ask why this didn't attatch itself to our previous messages either, because i don't know.
6th-Feb-2007 01:28 am (UTC)



Horny teenage boys jerking each other off, omfg. Reminds me of Queer as Folk with Brian and Michael. SOhotSOhotSOhot.

13th-Feb-2007 08:42 am (UTC)
YAAAAAY QAF!!!! Unfortunately I've only gotten to see a few episodes via DVD's stolen from my friend and sketchy youtube. I plan on fully indoctrinating myself at some point though. MARK MY WORDS.

I have a weird fetish for the awkward teenage-boy!love. It's sweet in a mildly uncomfortable way.
6th-Feb-2007 03:12 am (UTC)
This whole series is so awesome! I can't wait for the next installment.
13th-Feb-2007 08:43 am (UTC)
The next part is up! Thanks for reading, honey chile.
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