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Reject Reality: Embrace the Absurd
I am but mad north by northwest...
Fast Times at NAMBLA High: Part 10 (D) 
10th-May-2007 09:27 pm
Aretha Putin
Does posting twice in one day make me a nerd? Hell, why am I asking that? I'm posting fanfiction, for fuck's sake.

Title: Fast Times at NAMBLA High: Part Ten (D)
Author: Your’s truly
Fandom: The Daily Show... with a smattering of guest appearances.
Pairing: Including but not limited to:
Jon/Stephen, Stephen/Paul, Stephen/Craig Kilborn, Jon/Anderson Cooper, Paul/Amy, Rob/Frustration, Ed/Confusion, (Rob/Frustration)/(Ed/Confusion), Mo Rocca/Lewis Black, Sam/Jason, Demetri Martin/Nathan Corddry, Bob Novak/Hair nets, Aasif Mandvi/Tucker Carlson, Stone Phillips/Barbara Walters, Dan Bakkedahl/Rob Riggle, Dane Cook/His ego, Dave Gorman/John Oliver, Jerry Seinfeld/Steve Carell, Bill O’Reilly/Hatred, Keith Olbermann/Everyone, John Hodgeman/Bill Gates, Tucker/Craig, Aasif/Anderson, John Hodgeman/Sarah Vowell, Will Ferrell/MOP?, Keith/Dennis Leary, George Clooney/Charm
Featured pairing(s): Rob/Ed, Jon/Stephen, Stephen/Paul (sort of)
Rating: PG-13 again
Warning: Crack: it's what's for dinner. Other warnings: AU, drug use, underage drinking, het crap, and Will Ferrell being creepy. For this specific chapter? More puking and Paul being whiney. Sorry.
A/N: Huh, it’s only been, like, a year since I’ve updated this. Anyway, exams are over and barring my job search, I’m free to write! Unfortunately my wrist is acting up which is making typing stupidly hard, but I’m suffering through the pain to bring this to ya’ll. Ummm… I wrote this kind of fast and shittily. I hope you guys like it.
Length: 5231
Feedback: Feedback helps my crack addiction. Give generously.
Previous chapters:
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Four Point Five: An Interlude of sorts
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten (A)
Chapter Ten (B)
Chapter Ten (C)
Summary: OMG! ANOTHER NEW SUMMARY??? *is intrigued*

It's like a high school fic that isn't lame and is all cracky and shit. Read it.
~An annonymous reader who I totally didn't make up.

BELIEVE THE HYPE.
READ THE STORY.



In this edition of FTANH: Ed loses his shirt, Paul has a Geoffrey moment, important words are said, Jon is helpful, and Star Wars analogies are confusing.




FAST TIMES AT NAMBLA HIGH
Part Ten (D)








Ed wasn’t really sure where he was at the moment.

Eyes opening and blinking in the strange light, he tried to gain his bearings. Cup. He had a cup in his hands. It was red. Why was he holding a red cup?

“Alcohol,” he stated out loud. At least, he tried to state out loud. He was confused for a moment, seeing as he the words coming out of his mouth seemed to stop at his mouth and sound muted in his own ears, until he realized there was a distinct thumping masking all the other noises. This thumping also seemed to be reverberating in his chest. Glancing to his right, he saw two large speakers.

Why was everything so… loopy? And why was the world spinning whenever he closed his eyes? Ooooh, right… he glanced at his cup again. Alcohol.

He was at Rob’s house but, for some reason, so were other people. He didn’t really remember a time when he had been at Rob’s house with strangers before. Sure, he had been there when the Corddry’s had had family get-togethers and he hadn’t known anyone, but this seemed… decidedly party-like.

It is a party, he remembered suddenly, looking around in wonder. He couldn’t really remember a time when Rob had a party like this. Why was he having a party like this?

This question was lost in Ed’s mind as a more important one replaced it: why was he on the floor? And where the hell was his shirt? He heard in the distance someone yelling something. It almost sounded like Jason…

Right, Jason was here. That might explain the whole… not-having-a-shirt thing. Ed ran through a list of the other people he had interacted with… Rob. Sam. Jon. Conan. Stephen, briefly. Some guys who played beer pong with him. Some guys who made him do a keg stand.

It was odd… after a certain point, his memories got decidedly blurrier. But not in the way that he had had too much to drink… more that he just couldn’t see anymore. Glasses?

Yep, gone. Completely. His fingers found nothing in any of his pockets and he soon sighed in defeat before pressing his fingertips to his temples. Yeah… he had made a huge mistake. The room was spinning a bit worse now and he squeezed his eyes shut, trying not to dwell on the fact that there was a huge chunk of the evening missing from his memory.

Head falling into both hands, he drew his knees up and pressed his forehead against them, fighting a nausea that was rising in his stomach. “Blergh,” he grumbled, though the only evidence he noticed that he had even made the noise was the vibration of his throat against his chest.

Suddenly, he felt fingers on the back of his neck, causing him to jump. Looking up quickly, his vision swam from the increased sickness in his stomach until the person before him came into focus. It was Rob. Rob had found him.

Rob was saying something but Ed still couldn’t hear, due to the speakers still right next to his head and the pounding in his ears. Rob had found him. He felt tears ludicrously coming to his eyes. Hell, he was already the girl in this relationship, he didn’t need to drive the point home by crying about it.

Rob, apparently gathering that Ed wasn’t hearing a word he was saying, helped his friend to his feet. Leaning heavily on the boy next to him, Ed blinked as the world reoriented once more. The upward lift had caused another influx of sickness and Ed was almost certain that this night was not going to end well.

Rob’s voice reverberated where he was leaned against him, and suddenly the voice became clear. “—worried sick about you and now you’re in a fucking corner and do you even know where your shirt is?”

Ed could only stare at his friend, a goofy smile coming helplessly to his face. Rob looked around nervously, as if Ed was going to jump him right there. Of course he wouldn’t do that… but would it really be so bad if he did?

Instead, all he said was, “You found me.”

Rob looked stricken for a moment, apparently completely unprepared to respond. His mouth opened and closed a couple of times before he just smiled like a drug-impaired idiot. “Uh… of course…” he trailed off, running a hand through his hair. The smile then fell off his face as he appeared to struggle between anger and whatever other emotion he was feeling at the moment. “Still,” he continued brusquely though the severity of his words was lost by the blush on his cheeks, “where the hell did you get to?”

Ed shrugged, the stupid smile still on his face. He knew he must look retarded but he didn’t care because Rob had found him. “I’m not sure,” he admitted, his throat feeling oddly raw. He barked out a laugh and rubbed his eyes as the world spun again. “Most of, uh… mostly things are a big… black… empty thing.”

Rob blinked at him in confusion. “A big, black, empty thing?”

“You know…” Ed continued, gesturing vaguely. “Like… I can’t… remember?”

Rob raised an eyebrow, looking fairly concerned. “Are you okay?”

“I’m… all… swirly inside…” Ed explained, grateful that a wall was somehow behind him as he slumped against it. “Like a shoe in a dryer…”

“Whoa, buddy,” Rob said, grabbing his shoulders as Ed began to slide down the wall propping him up.

“Rob?” Rob looked terrified in response, about what Ed couldn’t be sure. Was he really acting that off?

“Yeah?” Rob asked slowly, still holding his friend up.

“I… we…” Ed blinked, trying to make the world stop twirling around again. “We should be ‘friends,'” he did an exaggerated wink, “forever.” He then tapped, or rather slammed, his forehead into Rob’s in solidarity, emitting a weak, “bonk!” before giggling a bit and murmuring “Ow…”

Rob pulled back, opening his mouth as if he was about to say something before just shaking his head, rubbing the spot where Ed had knocked into him and sighing, “Uh… okay?”

Ed glanced down at himself. “Whoa… where’s my shirt?”

Rob made a noise of frustration. “I asked you that.”

Looking up dazedly, Ed’s eyes went wide. “Did you? When?”

“When I found you!” Rob was clearly flabbergasted, but over what Ed didn’t know.

“I… I think I’m drunk,” Ed whispered conspiratorially as he nearly fell into Rob.

Looking torn between being annoyed and laughing, Rob supported him and let out a helpless chuckle. “You think?”

“Yeah… and I think I might puke…”

Rob just sighed and nodded patiently. “That’s fine.”

“And Rob?”

“What?”

“Thanks.”

His friend pursed his lips, shutting his eyes tight and nodding slightly. “No problem,” he sighed, looking slightly pained as he lead the way upstairs.



~~~~~~~~~




“Paul! Paul, will you just wait a second?”

“What for?” Paul whirled around, thank goodness looking more upset than angry at this point. His voice had reached a level Stephen was fairly sure only dogs could hear, but he was also fairly sure bringing such a fact up wouldn’t help his case much.

“Paul, I don’t know what happened,” Stephen began desperately, feeling bewildered as his friend reached for one of the numerous shots set up on the kitchen counter and banged it back.

“Well, I think what happened was you stumbled forward and somehow your tongue,” he threw back another shot, “became lodged,” another shot went down, “in her throat.” He slammed the fourth shot glass on the counter, turning towards Stephen again. Well… less turned than stumbled.

“Paul! She kissed me! And besides, I think she only did it because she was pissed at you!” Paul turned away again, making a noise of disgust. “Hey!” Stephen suddenly shouted, feeling angry. What right did Paul have, anyway, to get mad at him like this? It wasn’t fair. “I’m not the one who went traipsing off with some girl as a fucking power play against Amy!”

Paul whirled around, looking purely upset again. “Power play?!” he shrieked, causing more than a few shocked stares to be shot their way. “That’s what you thought that was? As soon as I fucking realized…” He trailed off, looking angry once more. “I came back because I realized I had ditched you guys!”

Stephen felt at a loss for words, watching as Paul avoided his gaze, his face red in anger. “Paul,” Stephen continued, feeling like total crap. “I didn’t… she just grabbed me… I mean…”

“What,” Paul spat, fingering one of the shot glasses, “you couldn’t not kiss her?”

Stephen scoffed before snapping back, “What would you have done?”

Paul fell quiet; eyes affixed somewhere near Stephen’s shoes. They were silent for a moment, both contemplating anything save each other’s eyes.

Finally, Paul sighed in defeat, blinking rapidly and biting his lip. “I would have done the same thing,” he conceded quietly.

“You do know it meant nothing, right?” Stephen asked gently, fighting the protestations in the back of his mind, screaming, What right does he think he has? He and Amy aren’t even dating…

“I mean… yeah,” Paul responded reluctantly, kicking at the kitchen tile with his toe.

Stephen just sighed. “Do you want to go then?” He could see from the way in which Paul was carrying himself that he definitely wasn’t in any shape to drive… luckily Stephen was feeling alright in that regard.

“Do you think Amy will be able to stand being in the same car as me?” Paul asked, not even masking how pathetic he was feeling.

“Sure,” the other boy replied, trying to sound kind. As he turned to lead Paul who was now draping an arm on his shoulder for support back into the crowd again, he froze when a familiar face was suddenly looking up at him.

“Hey, man,” Jon smiled, looking amused. “How’s it going?”

Stephen couldn’t help the smirk that crossed his face, raising an eyebrow down at Jon. “What, like something’s changed in the last ten minutes since I saw you?” He then glanced at Jon’s hands, both of which were gripping a cup. “Double-fisting I see.”

Jon smirked back, giving an off-hand shrug as he observed Paul leaning on his friend. “You guys okay?”

Stephen could almost feel Paul scowling but he just chuckled in response, shifting the boy a little out of Jon’s line of sight. “Yeah, I think we’re heading out though.”

Stephen couldn’t tell, but he was almost sure some sort of wall had sprung up between himself and Jon yet again. He quelled the annoyed feeling that resulted from this, trying to remind himself that there was still plenty of time to figure out what the other boy’s deal was. And maybe, when that day came, that fucking wall would be finally done with completely.

“Okay,” Jon tossed to him nonchalantly, an insincere smile on his face as he made his way toward the keg. “Well, don’t be a stranger…”

Torn for a moment, Stephen watched Jon’s retreating back before glancing Paul’s way. “Listen, just… stay here for a second,” he muttered at his friend while leaning him against the doorway. Paul grumbled something in response but Stephen was already following the shorter boy. “Jon!” he called, smiling in spite of himself when Jon turned around with a confused look on his face.

“Uh… yeah?” he asked, shuffling a bit and not looking into Stephen’s eyes.

“Look…” Stephen searched for the right words, feeling suddenly idiotic. It was lame to want to impress someone so badly, but Stephen felt the need nonetheless. Jon was… different. And Stephen liked different. “Um, I drive myself home every Wednesday, it’s just that I uh… I have this club meeting… but if you were to be staying after, uh…”

Lame, his brain sang. Lame, lame, lame lame lame-o.

“Well…” Jon was saying, only giving Stephen a slightly amused look for his rambling and nothing more, for which Stephen was grateful. “I, uh, I am actually planning on staying after for Newspaper… is that what you’re doing?”

“Um, no…” Stephen barked out a laugh and rubbed the back of his neck before shoving up his glasses. “Something much dorkier than that. I’m in, uh, book club?” He chuckled at the amused look on Jon’s face. “I know, I know. I’m a Tolkien-worshipping queerbag.”

Jon laughed out loud at that, causing something strange like pride to flutter in Stephen’s chest. “Well, ‘queerbag’ seems a bit harsh,” Jon remarked, a small smile still on his face.

There was a pause during which both boys looked elsewhere, either at their feet or the crowd surrounding them. “So…” Stephen ventured after a moment, “can I give you a ride again, then?” Realizing how much it sounded like a pick-up line, Stephen accentuated the point by raising an eyebrow suggestively.

Jon laughed, that ludicrous giggle making his eyes scrunch up as a fist went to cover his mouth, causing Stephen to grin. The other boy just nodded, sighing with a smirk on his face. “Yeah, sure man,” he finally acquiesced, making Stephen’s grin widen even more. “Maybe you can even stick around if, uh…” he gestured toward Paul, “the ole ball-and-chain will let you.” With a wink, Jon disappeared again and Stephen found himself alone.

“Done talking to your boyfriend?” Paul grumbled as Stephen once again hauled him onto his shoulder.

Stephen just smiled calmly and murmured, “Shut up, Paul.”



~~~~~~~~




CRASH!

“God, Ed… shh! I’m pretty sure Nate’s asleep…”

Nate, in fact, was not asleep. Yes, he had been, but now was a different story. Ever since he had become so well-acquainted with the tree outside the school, Nate had been feeling a bit off and more than a little queasy. He had spent most of the afternoon fairly comatose and had even slept through the majority of the party Rob had thrown… which was apparently getting out of control (Dead, Nate thought to himself, Rob is so, SO dead…) and had just now woken up to the sounds of his brother stumbling up the stairs with his friend.

Nate quietly cursed his luck, staring at the sliver of yellow light that leaked through the bottom of his door. Why, why did he have to wake up right as Rob and Ed were coming upstairs to do… whatever the hell it was they did together? He gritted his teeth and shut his eyes tightly, wishing to God, Allah, Buddha… whoever the fuck would make him unconscious at the moment would just grant him sleep. Please.

But instead of going to sleep or hearing the noises he usually heard coming from Rob and Ed, he heard the unmistakable sound of someone vomiting. The coughing and heaving noises made Nate’s head perk up in concern. Was Rob sick? Or Ed? What if they were in trouble?

After debating for a moment, Nate threw his covers off, swung his legs around to the edge of the bed, and padded his way to the door. Leaning his ear against the wood, he heard the sounds of vomit hitting the bowl once more. Cringing slightly, Nate inched the door open a bit. Luckily his room was directly across from the bathroom, giving him a full view of what was going on without giving his presence away.

Ed was leaned over the toilet, his naked torso shuddering as he heaved against the porcelain. His brother was braced against the other boy, but it was a form of his brother that Nate hadn’t often seen before. He looked… scared. And concerned. And like… like he really cared. Nate felt a bit dizzy, witnessing them in such a position; Rob carefully rubbing Ed’s back, murmuring comforting words and smoothing the hair from his forehead every time the other boy came up for air.

Finally Ed seemed to be done for the moment, falling backwards away from the toilet in exhaustion. Rob gently leaned him against the wall before reaching forward to flush the toilet and grab Ed a cup of water from the counter. The other boy sipped at it pathetically with trembling hands, accepting Rob’s steadying fingers on his own.

“I’m sorry,” Ed was suddenly saying weakly, bottom lip wobbling.

“Shut up,” Rob murmured kindly. “It’s fine.”

“I puked,” Ed choked, sounding near tears.

“It’s cool,” Rob insisted, rubbing a soothing hand over the other boy’s brow. “I’m just, like… you’re fucking scaring me…” Nate could tell Rob was trying to mask his concern with anger, but he was obviously failing miserably.

“Sorry,” Ed murmured again, sounding even more pathetic.

“It’s fine,” Rob assured him again, smiling tentatively for a moment before looking concerned again. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah…” Ed trailed off, his hand traveling to where Rob’s was on his arm and intertwining their fingers. “Rob?”

Rob was staring at their joined hands, looking slightly mystified. “Yeah?”

Ed gulped and stared at the floor before murmuring, “I love you.”

Nate felt his stomach drop out as his brother froze, staring even harder at their hands. “I… really?” he asked quietly, neither of them looking at each other still.

“Yeah,” Ed sighed sadly, looking near tears again.

Rob glanced at him and gave the other boy a quavering smile. “Okay,” he murmured.

“Okay?” Ed met his eyes and his lips twitched tentatively.

Rob just leaned his forehead against his friend’s and sighed. “Yeah, okay.”

Ed’s smile widened and shut his eyes, seemingly enjoying just sitting with Rob. Nate felt an insane fear for a moment that the two were going to kiss in front of him, but as Ed’s eyes reopened and said, “I need to puke again,” he knew he was out of danger.

With Ed making his hurried way to the bowl again with Rob’s protective hands guiding him, Nate slowly shut the door. He felt oddly winded, his limbs leaden and a weird pressure on his chest. They’re in love, he realized suddenly, sitting heavily on his bed.

Head falling in his hands, he took in a shuddering breath. He had three options… ignore this for all time (obviously the choice he might prefer), pretend he didn’t know until Rob told him (which would probably have the same results as choice number one, seeing as Rob would never tell him ever), or tell Rob he knew. Even dwelling on it for a few seconds, Nate knew what he had to do.

God…

… He had to tell Rob he knew he was gay.

Groaning, Nate flopped sideways onto his bed and wished for unconsciousness yet again.



~~~~~~~




Rob leaned against the wall in the hallway. This “party”, or rather “disaster” as Rob was calling it in his head, was waaaay out of control. He was fairly sure his mom’s cat had gone missing and someone had stolen the mailbox outside. Luckily, no one had really ventured up the stairs, leaving Nate in relative peace and allowing Rob to feel comfortable with leaving Ed on his own… sleeping in his bed.

He clamped down on his feelings of apprehension at leaving Ed alone like that again. Hell, Rob had to make sure no one got killed! Or set anything on fire… God, he hoped nobody had set anything on fire.

As he made his weary way down the stairs, Rob fought with the thoughts bubbling to the surface in his brain.

He said “I love you,” one voice murmured.

Yeah, that was such a queer thing to do, Rob replied.

But he loves you, the first voice answered back.

I’m not gay! Rob tried insisting.

You gave him a blowjob. In what universe is that not gay? a third voice chimed in.

In a gay universe, since everything would be gay anyway, the first voice supplied.

Shut up! Rob silently urged, feeling crazier than usual. Ed was making him crazy. Crazy!

Yeah, the third voice whispered again, crazy GAY.

“Argh!” Rob suddenly said out loud, causing a group of girls near him to shoot him a chorus of odd looks. Blushing, Rob ducked away, making his way further downstairs. He spotted Jon in a corner, talking to an animated Tina Fey and a slightly more bored-looking Conan O’Brien.

You know… the first voice was suddenly saying, if anyone would be good to talk to, it would be Jon.

Jon? Rob wondered.

Yeah, the third voice replied, he’s from a city-type place. Cities are full of gays. Talk to Jon.

But… Rob reasoned, Jon’ll think I’m a freak. Who blows their best friend?

Gays, the first voice supplied helpfully. And you.

Growling, Rob rubbed furiously at his eyes. This was insane. He was insane. And not gay. Glancing up, he considered the thought of telling Jon. He probably would be his best bet… but would the other boy immediately reject him? He decided he needed to find out. Letting the craziness fester in his brain was definitely not a good option.

But as he made his way to where the other three teenagers were standing, he happened to look over to the armoire next to the fireplace where a group of boys were tinkering with something. Wait… was that…

“Alright!” Rob was suddenly shrieking as he climbed atop the coffee table in the middle of the room. “You!” He pointed at the group of boys. “DROP THE MILLENIUM FALCON! Everyone else!” He gestured to the crowd. “GET THE HELL OUT! PARTY’S OVER!”



~~~~~~~~~




Jon sat heavily, handing the cup of beer off to Tina. Conan, apparently, had found the girl and gave Jon a slight nod in greeting.

“Trouble fighting the crowd?” Tina smiled, taking a sip.

“Eh,” Jon shrugged. “Not really. Just ran into Stephen.”

“See!” the girl nearly shouted in glee, punching Conan in the arm. This elicited a slightly perturbed glance thrown her way and nothing more. “I told you he liked him!”

“Wait,” Jon chuckled nervously, looking between the two, “who likes who now?”

“I already told you,” Tina replied in mock patience. “Stephen likes you.”

Conan let out a strained laugh, apparently seeing how Jon wasn’t exactly responding warmly to this statement. “I don’t think he likes him, Tina,” he said diplomatically. “I think Stephen’s just a friendly guy.”

“Hmmph,” Tina grumbled skeptically, taking another gulp. “Right.”

“Okay,” Conan rolled his eyes patiently before throwing Jon an apologetic glance. “I think you may have had enough to drink.”

“Yeah, this coming from an Irishman,” Tina scoffed, not setting the drink down.

Suddenly, Rob Corddry’s voice washed over the crowd, the DJ’s music coming to an abrupt halt. Jon didn’t catch the whole thing, but heard something to the effect of “Get the hell out” and soon everyone was making their shuffling way toward the door.

“Guess that’s our cue,” Conan laughed, taking Tina by the arm. “Do you need a ride?” he asked Jon cordially.

“Uh, no, I think I told Rob I would help him clean up,” Jon replied, smiling unsteadily. “But thanks. It was nice meeting you both.”

“Sorry about getting rude,” Tina mumbled as she shook Jon’s hand. “I have a three-drink limit and then it’s Bitchville, population: me!”

“And, on that note,” Conan grabbed Tina by the shoulders and steered her towards the door, “we’re off. See you later!”

“Bye guys,” Jon called after them. Turning woozily, he found that most of the house had surprisingly been cleared out. Glancing at his watch, Jon suddenly realized it wasn’t all that surprising at all… it was fucking late. Sighing, he decided to find Rob.

“YOU CAN’T SLEEP HERE!” he heard someone shout over in another room. “GO HOME!”

“Rob,” Jon murmured out loud, smiling to himself. As he crossed through the doorway, the scene before him was indeed humorous. Rob was standing above some freshman boy who was passed out on his sofa, snoring loudly in spite of Rob screaming almost directly in his face.

“I’d just leave it, man,” Jon chuckled, causing Rob to start and look up. “I don’t think he’s going anywhere.”

Rob huffed for a moment, looking annoyed before he shrugged and made his way over to Jon. “This was ridiculous,” he groaned, flopping onto a chair. “I mean… look at this…”

“No worries.” Jon smiled calmly before clapping his hands and rubbing them together. “Let’s clean this bitch!”



~~~~~~~~~




Ten trash bags, three dishwasher loads, and six sessions of vacuuming later and the two boys were finally done. Jon was decidedly drained… his whole body felt like it had been hit by a truck and he knew he wasn’t going to be a happy camper in the morning.

“Bleh,” Rob muttered, slumping back onto the chair he had been sitting on a couple of hours before. “I never want to see another beer can in my life. And who the hell brought a goat?”

Jon fell on the floor next to him, nearly burying his face in the now-clean carpet. “Uhg. I don’t know. At least we found your mailbox. Still no cat?”

Rob sighed. “Still no cat.”

“Maybe…” Jon giggled. “Maybe we could dress the goat up as a cat. You think your mom would notice?”

Rob suddenly giggled back, something Jon hadn’t witnessed him do before. It made him smile and think, really, maybe Rob wasn’t so weird after all. “I think the horns might give it away…” Rob reasoned, still giggling. “Though they might appreciate being able to milk it.”

Jon barked out a laugh and rolled onto his back before groaning. “I feel like complete death.”

“Guh, me too,” Rob groaned. “I guess I’ll be taking you home now…”

Jon sat up, rubbing his eyes. “You don’t need to do that… I have my bike here.”

Rob waved a dismissing hand. “Don’t worry about it. I’ve got an SUV… we can just throw it in the back.” Rob’s eyes had become weirdly shifty and Jon tried to decide if he was imagining things. No… Rob was definitely looking suspicious.

“Okay…?” Jon replied, struggling to get to his feet. “Is Ed going to be alright, or…”

“Yeah, he’s fine,” Rob answered hastily, jumping up and making his way toward the door. “I just checked on him. Where do you live?”

Jon could almost choke on the faux-nonchalantness and he eyed Rob apprehensively as he told him the address. Setting the bike in the back and getting into the car, Jon waited for whatever bomb Rob seemed likely to drop on him.

“So, Jon…” Rob finally began, expression still horribly blasé as he tapped his fingers nervously on the wheel.

“Yeah?” Jon asked, feeling his body tense up.

“Ok, um, let’s say… let’s say we have this hypothetical situation, alright?” Jon nodded, if only to placate the other boy. “Let’s say there’s this guy… Let’s call him ‘Han’ for clarity’s sake.”

“Han?” Jon asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Yeah, like Star Wars?” At Jon’s continued silence, Rob plowed on. “Ok, so Han and, uh… let’s call him… er… Chewie! Yeah, Chewie. Han and Chewie, they’ve been friends for years, right? Like… forever. So Han and Chewie… they’ve only ever needed each other, but what if… what if something changed between them? Like… what if they became… what if their friendship changed?”

“Like… what if they got involved in an interspecies relationship?” Jon asked, feeling partly amused but mostly bewildered.

“Yeah!” Rob replied happily. “Exactly. And, you know, people obviously would be weirded out by it because, duh, they’re different species! So… it’d be weird. So they obviously can’t tell anyone in the Rebel Alliance because no one would understand and Han… Han’s afraid to tell Luke because, like… Luke’s like his little brother! And what if Luke doesn’t lo—um… doesn’t accept Han anymore? Han would be… uh… it would suck, right?”

Jon nodded, though he was completely lost. “Of course, understandably.”

“Alright, so they can’t tell anyone but it’s… it’s hard… because Han and Chewie… they like each other a lot, you know? And Chewie’s a lot more open about… uh… about shit like that. And Han’s not really sure if they should say anything, given, you know… how weird it is. And because of Luke. And because Chewie’s dad is a total assface and would probably never let Chewie leave Kashyyyk again… but Chewie doesn’t seem really bothered by it, which is funny because if Han had Chewie’s dad, he’d be scared to death to tell him… so really, Chewie’s so brave for even being this open but… but Han still thinks they can’t go around telling people about it!” Even Rob seemed lost, rambling like he was. Jon just continued to nod patiently.

“Anyway,” Rob continued, seeming to remember his original train of thought. “Han keeps having people shove Leia in his face when, really, what if he doesn’t want a Leia? What if he’s good with just having Chewie? Because… without Chewie, how would he avoid Jabba? How would Han get out of the carbonite? How would he fly the Millennium Falcon and help Luke destroy the Death Star? HOW?”

A silence dawned in the car as Rob gripped the steering wheel, panting and staring hard at the road. Finally, after a moment of dead quietness, he slid his eyes over to Jon’s. “Uh…” he trailed off, looking flustered. “Know… know what I mean?”

Jon paused for a moment, contemplating the road outside. “I… no,” he finally answered, bursting out laughing. “Not… not at all, really. But let me just say, your version of Star Wars… waaaaay more entertaining than the original, let me tell you.” Rob glanced his way before joining Jon in laughing, rubbing his eyes tiredly.

“Yeah, that’s the version no one’s told you about,” Rob chuckled. An awkward silence descended in the car once more.

“Anyway,” Jon suddenly started kindly, trying to find the right words. “I… I think um… ‘Han,’” he tried not to snort as he said the name, “should stop worrying so much. Maybe… maybe the Rebel Alliance wouldn’t have a problem with it. And maybe Luke… Luke probably cares about Han too much to let something like him and Chewie being, uh… whatever get in the way of that.” Rob’s brow was furrowed as he stared intensely at the road. “As for Chewie’s dad,” Jon continued, “I think… I think Han should let Chewie worry about that. If Chewie’s cool with it, then who’s Han to persuade him not to be open with his dad about it?”

“You don’t know Chewie’s dad,” Rob muttered darkly.

“Even so,” Jon reasoned, “it’s Chewie’s family. Let him deal with them as he will.”

Rob nodded slowly, before putting the car into park. “Well… here’s your house,” he murmured shyly.

“So it is!” Jon stated brightly, hoping he didn’t sound like he was overcompensating too much. “Uh… thanks for the ride!” Opening the door, he made his way into the night air, popping open the trunk and getting out the bike.

“Jon?” he suddenly heard Rob call through the open window.

Jon paused and turned back, smiling at the other boy. “Yeah?”

“Thanks,” Rob murmured, looking thoroughly embarrassed. “For everything.”

Jon just grinned and pushed away from the car, calling back, “No problem!”

As he listened to Rob peel away while he fished for his keys, Jon sighed to himself. It had been a really long night.





TO BE CONTINUED?!?!

...yes.



Tune in next time for people dealing with things (me, vague? Never), Steve being a sad panda (again), mothers being overprotective, and possibly British people being cute and British-y together.




ENDNOTE: I’m over 150 pages! WOO! And the party’s over! DOUBLE WOO! Anyway, sorry I made Paul so bitchy this chapter. He’ll get better, I swear. And the whole Tina/Jon thing was anticlimactic as was the party's abrupt end, due to insane lameness on my part. Anyway, if you’re new to this story drop me a line! Also, friend away if you’re so inclined. I’ve actually been doing stuff on this journal lately, making it slightly more entertaining than usual. I’ve purchased a paid account (sorry, bank balance), and gotten a new moodtheme. Yes to wasting time! Also, as always, if you’re a fan of Shaun of the Dead, “Spaced”, or Hot Fuzz, go over and join fregg_love to celebrate the goodness of Simon Pegg/Nick Frost. Ok, shutting up now.



EDIT: Here's my review of when I saw Jon's stand-up for those who didn't see the link on my last story. He's so amazing... guh.





Disclaimer: Any similarity between the fictional version of the person portrayed here and the actual persons is purely coincidental. This is a work of fiction. This is not an attempt to defame the character of said person on the basis of libel, as the work is FICTIONAL (and NOT an intently false statement created with the express purpose of misleading others about the actual character of said person).

Any mention of 'The Daily Show', 'The Colbert Report', 'Viacom', any associated entities, or any copyrighted material pertaining therein is reasonably protected by the Fair Use Rule of the United States Copyright Act of 1976 and is not intended to infringe upon any copyrighted material.
Comments 
11th-May-2007 02:30 am (UTC)
Okay, I'm not new anymore, but I still wanted to say hey. But then I realized, you're going to get a bunch of comments of "OH MY GOD THIS IS SO GOOD! BLAH BLAH BLAH" (which it is, sans the blah blah blah). So I just thought I'd compliment you more creatively by giving you a shocking peek into my mental process (steel yourself):

I was watching The Report yesterday (I hope you've already seen it and I'm not spoiling anything) and when Jane Fonda crawled into Stephen's lap and started making out with him, and he was so terrified/awkward, I immediately thought "Oh my God, this is just like when Amy kissed Stephen at that party and he didn't know what to to and then Paul saw them oh my god oh my god oh my god!". And then I remembered: that never actually happened. That we know of. So, yeah. You're in my head, woman. But you can stay, it's nice to have company. Creepy aside over.

I really did love this chapter, though. I like how the Rob/Ed thing, which was one of the funniest little stories, has gotten so sweet but then got hilarious again with the Star Wars metaphor (which are wasted on me because *gasp* I've never seen them).

I can't wait for more (hint hint).
11th-May-2007 10:11 pm (UTC)
YES I HAVE GOTTEN INTO YOUR BRAIN LIKE A YEERK!!! (Animorphs reference anyone? Anyone? No? Allllright) Funny, watching him squirm so adorably under that Fona made me be like, "heee, I think we've suddenly got a very good picture of what Stephen may have been like with girls during high school", so our thought processes weren't all that different. Yeah shared creepiness!

I've been trying to balance out the sweetness and weirdness of their relationship... mainly by getting annoyed when they're getting too mushy and making Rob be psycho again.

Um, to be honest, my Star Wars analogy is probably the most cracked out thing that I've written in this series so far. Meaning it made no sense at all. Basically, Chewie is Chewbaca, a Wookie who is best pals with Han Solo, a hottie. They're cute. Anyway, the original three movies a quite kickass (if not sort of cheesy but still amazing) while the new three blow hardcore. I make fun of the Phantom Menace regularly because George Lucas is an ENORMOUS sell-out. Gar. Sorry, /tangent.

I'm trying to get the next chapter out before my life explodes into a work-frenzy once again. Thanks for reading!
11th-May-2007 02:32 am (UTC)
Hahahahahahahahaha, omg. Okay, that Han and Chewie thing just about had me rolling on the floor. I LOVE THIS FIC SO MUCH OKAY. Rob and Ed is so ridiculously sweet, and I love the Jon/Stephen bits, and most of all the Stephen & Amy & Paul parts, and TINA AND CONAN, and everything just keeps surprising and delighting me, every single chapter! Hahahaha, the mailbox got stolen. SO GREAT.
11th-May-2007 10:44 pm (UTC)
The Han and Chewie thing... kind of disturbing, no? Yet it is how I would have written Star Wars, had the screenplay fallen into my hands at any point.

I don't know why the mailbox got stolen. They're easily removed maybe? I feel like mailboxes get abused a lot. And here I am, contributing. Shame on meeee.

Um... I'm too tired to be coherent.

THANKS FOR READIIIING!
11th-May-2007 02:43 am (UTC) - New
Okay so I spent like two hours a few days ago and read all the old chapters :)
AMAZING
Your little fic highschool makes me smile SOOO much!
Ed/Rob give me butterflies
and your awkward teenager versions of them are just so wow!
Yeah just wow.
All your other pairings are freaking amazing.
Yeah so I'm a new reader and just thought that I'd say you rock my socks.
:)
Wow.
11th-May-2007 10:52 pm (UTC) - Re: New
Wow... this whole thing took two hours to read??? I feel weirdly accomplished. Like... it's like a real story or something. Woo!

Anyway, I'm glad you like everything and took the time to read all that! I love new people. You warm my soul.

YOU ROCK MY SOCKS OFF, TOO! Hooray. We're both barefoot in joy.
11th-May-2007 02:44 am (UTC)
And because Chewie’s dad is a total assface and would probably never let Chewie leave Kashyyyk again.

Um. Hi. Marry me?

/is totally not a star wars geek.
11th-May-2007 10:54 pm (UTC)
Uhhhh... I wasn't going to say anything but I kinda had to look up what Chewbaca's home world is. DON'T STONE ME, STAR WARS GEEKS!

Anyway, I'll gladly marry you. To MA we go!

(btw, M*A*S*H is love)
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11th-May-2007 10:55 pm (UTC)
Booo, I missed his office thingy?????? Damn me and my addiction to History channel! Argh.
(Deleted comment)
11th-May-2007 10:57 pm (UTC)
I personally slash Luke and Han myself, but um... Han/Chewie? TEH SEX.

Hahaha, I just grossed myself out.

THANKS FOR THE LOVE!
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11th-May-2007 10:59 pm (UTC)
Which song? The one from Hercules? I like that movie an embarassing amount. It's like my love for Mulan... or Newsies... or A Goofy Movie. Man, I am a 5 year old.

I LOFF YOU! And your icon is just... hee :-)
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11th-May-2007 03:16 am (UTC)
Yaaaaay! So I'm all caught up and loving the awesome awesomeness of it all! Also, I get to see Jon in Minneapolis in a week and OMG! Teh LOVE! Anyway, giant glompage on you for the story and whatnot. *g*
11th-May-2007 11:02 pm (UTC)
JON IS AMAZING AND I GUARENTEE YOU WILL BE 3009341037183% MORE IN LOVE WITH HIM BY THE END OF IT THAN YOU ALREADY ARE! I'm serious. I think my uterus cried when I left because it was so badly wishing to carry his baby. Um... I mean that in a completely not creepy way?

*glomps back* Luuuurve!
11th-May-2007 03:19 am (UTC)
K, haven't read yet (I have to watch TDS!!) but I cannot wait to read this. You haven't disappointed me yet so I'm only going to assume that it won't happen now, either.

:D:D:D:D:D:D
11th-May-2007 04:18 am (UTC)
Alright, I read it and I love you so much. I was all "ngk." during the Rob/Ed parts and the idea of Jon and Rob dressing up a goat was just too much, lol.

you're my hero <3
(Deleted comment)
12th-May-2007 03:34 am (UTC)
YESSSS!!! *hoards all of her win*

Miiiine... allllll mine.... >:-)
11th-May-2007 04:39 am (UTC)
OMG you are made of win! You updating this story made this the perfect night. Loved the Han/Chewie analogy that made me lol ^_^

Oh and I soooooooo saw Hot Fuzz tonight and I am not ashamed to say that my pal and I were ever so fucking loud with our nonstop laughter. Oh man that movie killed me. Glad you plugged the fregg love comm, i joined it last week...week before? something like that anyway if their love irl and in their films/projects isn't cannon then i don't know what is! *end ramble*


so yeah, I very much liked the story, glad to see the party is finally over. The love between Rob/Ed is too cute, poor drunk, blind, sick Ed with his knight in shining Rob there to take care of him. I'm sooo ready for the awkward (maybe) coming out to Nate lol lalala woooo

uh yeah ^_^ *continues to fangirl and runs away*
12th-May-2007 03:40 am (UTC)
The Han/Chewie analogy is only mildly disturbing. The thought process quite literally went like this:
"What would Rob be obsessed with? ...Star Wars. Definitely. Who would he be? Han, every guy wants to be Han. Who would Ed be? I mean, Luke works but... HAHAH CHEWIE! Yesssssss."

I am a gigantor nerd.

HOT FUZZ IS SO AMAZINGLY AWESOMMMMMEEEE!!!! I'm so in love with Simon Pegg... I keep watching Spaced on youtube instead of looking for a job. Eh, screw money. Fregg is seriously REAL. They're soooo in love with each other. I don't care if it's just a bromance, they're still in love.

I'm so glad the party's over. I was like "if I have to write any more fucking drunk people I'm going to shoot someone..."

Yes.... the coming out will indeed be awkward. Because both boys are just awkward on their own, let alone trying to deal with a naturally awkward situation. Man, that's going to be fun to write.

THANKS FOR READING AND PUTTING UP WITH THIS LONG-ASS RESPONSE!
11th-May-2007 04:46 am (UTC)
It's the little details that make this. The "shoe in a dryer" line. The stolen mailbox. The goat. (Where on Earth did they get a goat?) The voice in Rob's head. That voice cracked me up with every single line.
12th-May-2007 03:41 am (UTC)
Unfortunately the voice problem is one I have all too often. Only times ten.

And your icon is weirdly hypnotic. Like... yeah. Whoa.
11th-May-2007 04:48 am (UTC)
when i saw a new part up i kinda of squeed a little (and by 'kinda' i mean 'totally' and by 'a little' i mean 'a lot')
and it was worth the squees. i fucking love this cracky-ass story so hardcore.
12th-May-2007 03:42 am (UTC)
HELL YES, SQUEES! And this story is indeed cracky-ass. How did I become such a crack fiend? HOW?

THANKS FOR READING!
11th-May-2007 05:50 am (UTC)
AHHHHHH THAT WAS AWESOME.
omfg woman your skillllllzzzzzzzzz are incredible.

I'm really tired and my throat hurts so I don't have the presence of mind to be coherent or constructive or give you the props you deserve right now. But just..dude. This story is like South Park - given how amazing it started out, it should be impossible for it to keep on getting steadily better, but somehow, against the laws of physics, that's exactly what it's doing. I don't know how, but it's doing it. Holy CRAP.

Also, you know that Wookiees live on Kashyyyk, and you can actually spell it. Um, can I please have your babies? I know we're both girls, so it's technically kind of impossible, but I feel that our combined geekiness is powerful enough to spawn something.
12th-May-2007 03:47 am (UTC)
Whoa, is that a comparison to South Park I see? I feel that's completely unwarrented, but still. YOU'RE AWESOME FOR SAYING THAT! Yaaaay you :-)

We can have a super-slash baby. And it will have all the knowledge of Star Wars and Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter EVER. Other children would beat it up, but they will fear our child's insane skills of nerdlyness that will explode their mortal brains.
(Deleted comment)
12th-May-2007 03:58 am (UTC)
HI NEWBIE!!! YAY YOU!!!! All in one shot, eh? That's quite a doozy. Thanks for taking the time to do that!

I, too, have "voices in the head" issues. Mostly it's me talking to myself along with voices of what I imagine other people would say. And, like, Abraham Lincoln. Because it's not really crazy until you throw Lincoln in there.

Stephen's car is indeed a character. It's written as an ode to my own car... The Van. It's infamous amongst my friends. Oh, Van. You're so evil yet endearing.

PS. I only wish it would happen for real. She's at the top of my "People I Must Punch in the Face if I Ever Meet Them in Real Life" list.
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