Fast Times at NAMBLA High: Part FourAuthor:
The Daily Show... with a smattering of guest appearances. Pairing:
Including but not limited to:
Jon/Stephen, Stephen/Paul, Stephen/Craig Kilborn, Jon/Anderson Cooper, Paul/Amy, Rob/Frustration, Ed/Confusion, (Rob/Frustration)/(Ed/Confusion), Mo Rocca/Lewis Black, Sam/Jason, Demetri Martin/Nathan Corddry, Bob Novak/Hair nets, Aasif Mandvi/Tucker Carlson, Stone Phillips/Barbara Walters, Dan Bakkedahl/Rob Riggle, Dane Cook/His ego, Dave Gorman/John Oliver, Jerry Seinfeld/Steve Carell, Bill O’Reilly/Hatred, Keith Olbermann/Everyone, John Hodgeman/Bill Gates, Tucker/Craig, Aasif/Anderson, John Hodgeman/Sarah Vowell, Will Ferrell/MOP?, Keith/Dennis Leary, George Clooney/CharmRating:
Back to PG-13Warning:
Crack: it's what's for dinner. Other warnings: AU, drug use, underage drinking, het crap, and Will Ferrell being creepy. For this specific chapter? Overall lameness.A/N:
Part four! Finally! I had a wee bit of the ole writer’s block but it seems to be gone now. I’m not especially fond of this chapter, especially since I loved the last one so hard. This chapter serves for plot advancement and little else. Look forward to more substantial stuff to come!Length:
3000... and something.Feedback:
Feedback helps my crack addiction. Give generously.Previous chapters: Chapter OneChapter TwoChapter ThreeSummary:
This is what I wrote as a summary at 3 in the AM when I was supposed to be writing a paper but instead conceived of this horrifying brainchild:The OC meets TDS meets High School Musical meets TCR meets Queer As Folk times a billion meets my life meets Strangers with Candy meets Footloose meets Are You There God, It’s Me Margaret meets CNN meets CRACK.
In this edition of FTANH: Stephen is sensible, Paul is an idiot, Amy is sneaky, Rob and Ed are sketchy, and Jason is loud
.FAST TIMES AT NAMBLA HIGH
“Alright,” Paul stated, slapping a flyer down on the desk Stephen was sitting at. The bespectacled boy jumped slightly and peered up from the book he was reading. “Auditions are on Tuesday. You’re in, right?”
The taller boy grimaced, picking up the piece of paper and narrowing his eyes at it. “Hamlet?” he asked skeptically. “At this school?”
A grin spread across Paul’s face. “Come on, man, it’ll be fun.”
Stephen merely handed the paper back before calmly going back to his book. “I don’t think so.”
Paul’s face promptly fell and he sank into the chair next to his friend. “Are you joking?” he whined, earning a pained look from Stephen. “I don’t want to be stuck in drama by myself!”
“Then stop trying out for things,” Stephen offered easily, not looking up from his book.
Paul stuck out his lower lip and scowled. “Come on
, man. Why the hell not?”
Shifting a bit uncomfortably, Stephen glanced up. “Don’t know… I mean, you know how I feel about Walters. She gives me the willies.”
“She loves you!” Paul stated emphatically, gesturing a bit more wildly than Stephen personally thought the sentiment required. “You’ll probably get whatever part you want.”
“Is that why you want me to do it? So I’ll get a good part and since she always pairs us together, then you’ll get one too? I think you can do that on your own, Paul. You don’t need me.”
The two stared at each other for a moment, Paul’s face becoming blank. “Fine,” he said flippantly. Stephen winced seeing as the other boy’s voice was about five octaves higher than normal. “I guess if you don’t want to do it, you don’t have to!” He then flopped into a desk a few rows to Stephen’s right and crossed his arms over his chest in a huff.Girl
, Stephen’s brain whispered militantly. He is a big GIANT GIRL. Tell hiiiiim…
“Paul…” Stephen sighed, opting for a route that might result in less painful retribution. “Paul. I’m sorry. Just… if I do drama I won’t have time for lit club. And I really wanted to try it out this year.” The other boy’s scowl wasn’t lessening. Stephen tried to restrain himself from rolling his eyes but apparently failed, seeing as Paul’s pout became more pronounced.
“Paul,” he stated kindly. “I’m sorry, I’m just… I don’t want to?”
Paul shot him a glare before softening at the sincere look on Stephen’s face. “Fine,” he breathed out, sagging. “Can you at least do stage crew or something so we can hang out?”
Stephen fought the smile that was coming to his face from his friend’s whiney tone. “Yeah, sure,” he chuckled. “I’ll see what I can do.”
“Besides,” the curly-haired boy drawled, “stage crew will at least draw some slightly less geeky people than your fucking literature club. Maybe they can wean you from the teat of nerdom. I mean, seriously Stephen, can’t you just wax poetical about your Tolkien lover online or something?”
“I do not wax poetical,” Stephen growled. “And don’t pretend drama is somehow less geeky than a book club. Because, my friend, Shakespeare is just as nerdy as Tolkien. So there.” He accentuated his point by sticking out his tongue.
“Very mature,” Paul giggled, gesturing at the offending tongue. “Now where’s Amy?”
Stephen only offered a shrug of his shoulders before going back to his book. “Don’t know. Didn’t you give her a ride this morning?”
Paul lifted one shoulder, trying to look nonchalant. “Uh… no.” He suddenly seemed very fascinated by the writing on his desk. Too
“What happened?” Stephen groaned.
“Nothing!” Paul exclaimed, throwing up his arms. “We just… she got mad at me for something stupid. I don’t know. We were on the phone and I may or may not have joked about her laying off the cooking…”
“Dear lord,” Stephen moaned. “You did not
imply that she was fat, did you?”
“It was a joke!” Paul cried desperately. “She has a sense of humor! She should get that it was a joke
“You,” Stephen said pointedly, “are an idiot. It’s like you like to send out as many conflicting signals as possible just to see how people deal with it.”
Paul huffed indignantly. “I’m… I’m not
an idiot.” He frowned at the look Stephen shot his way. “It’s not my fault that she’s too sensitive!”
“Amy isn’t sensitive,” Stephen reasoned, “you’re an idiot
.” He sighed. “She is a girl after all. Something you seem to delude yourself about quite a lot.”
The curly-headed boy gaped at him. “What the hell is that supposed to mean? I… I know she’s a girl! I never forget that!”
“Then maybe you shouldn’t call her fat
, idiot.” Putting down his book, Stephen rubbed his eyes and tried not to feel too put out by his friend’s obvious obliviousness. It really was quite taxing. “Look, you probably didn’t hurt her feelings all that badly,” the taller boy admitted. “But,” he continued, causing the hopeful look that had graced his friend’s features to abruptly fall away, “you probably did convince her that you need to be reminded of what a jerkoff you can be sometimes.”
Paul continued to look stricken. “Jerkoff? Really?”
“Yeah, she’ll probably punish you until she’s absolutely sure that you’ll never forget again.” Stephen grinned mischievously and looked over at Paul behind his glasses before picking up his book again. “Or, you know, at least until next week.”
Paul’s apparent plan of killing Stephen via glaring was cut short as Amy stalked into the room. She was sweating and dragging her book bag by the strap. Stephen stared in wonder at her red and beaming face.
“Stephen!” she said cheerfully. “Morning!” She plopped into the seat next to him. Paul finally moved from his position away from Stephen and dropped into the seat near the other two.
“Did… did you walk?” he intoned in amazement.
“Yup,” Amy replied, not even looking Paul in the face. “Thought I’d get in some exercise. You know.”
“It’s… you live five miles away!”
“Yeah, I had to get up at four. Crazy right? I’ve already had, like… five cups of coffee.” She said all this directly to Stephen, not once looking Paul’s way. “Anyways, I’m completely hopped up and have to pee really bad. Mornings are the best, right?”
Mouth hanging open, all Stephen could do was nod senselessly. “Uh…” he finally managed. “Yeah. Morning’s sure are… something.”
“I LOVE MORNINGS!” Paul suddenly said a little too loudly. “THEY’RE THE BEST.”
It was now Paul who was the recipient of Stephen’s shocked gaze. “Why… why are you shouting?”
“I’M NOT SHOUTING. WHO SAYS I’M SHOUTING? I ALSO LOVE COFFEE.”
Stephen’s eyes remained boggled and Amy’s stayed resolutely glued to her notebook. “Uh… cool?” Stephen offered, trying to calm his friend down.
“YEAH. I ALSO LOVE COOKING. AND MAKING TINY THINGS OUT OF PAPER. AND… AND INTERIOR DECORATING.”
Amy let her eyes slide over to their friend. “That’s fascinating Paul. Please go on,” she murmured dryly.
Paul looked to Stephen in desperation. All the taller boy could do was raise his eyebrows in helplessness and shrug his shoulders. Both of them were pretty obviously insane, in Stephen’s opinion.
“Do… do you want water?” Paul finally asked in a significantly more quiet voice, much to Stephen’s relief. His good ear was only bleeding
Amy just continued to flip through her notebook but she threw Paul a dismissing look. “Whatever,” she sighed, going back to staring studiously at what appeared to be a very fascinating yet blank page of paper. The curly-headed boy glanced at Stephen who merely raised his eyebrows again before bolting for the door.
“Like a trained puppy,” Amy murmured, a small smile playing on her lips.
Scooting closer, Stephen leaned in towards his friend. “You didn’t actually walk, did you?” he chided good-humouredly.
“Of course not,” she chuckled, sending a conspiring glance at the boy. “My mom drove me. What am I, insane?”
“Well, you could have fooled me,” Stephen chortled, earning a swift punch in the shoulder from the girl beside him. “Ow,” he whined, rubbing the now-sore spot. “How’d you manage all that?” He gestured to the sweat on her brow and redness of her face.
“Did a couple of jumping jacks outside the classroom before splashing some water on my face. And, of course, I’m an amazing
actress.” She fluttered her eyelashes coyly. “One of my many charms, you know.”
“What, being sneaky and deceitful? Lord knows that’s what I look for in a woman.” He groaned again when his statement earned another punch. “Ow, woman! Your abuse only aims to make my affections grow!” He paused as Amy laughed slightly before doodling on the page before her, eyes downcast. “Hey,” he proceeded kindly, “what Paul said… did it really hurt your feelings?”
“No, of course not,” Amy said all too quickly. “I mean, of course it was a little hurtful but uh… no, of course not. I’m fine. I’m just punishing him.”
The tall boy just snorted and shrugged his shoulders, glancing at the door Paul had disappeared through. “Yeah, well, he’s an idiot. And you’re an idiot if you believe that he actually thinks that. Or, you know, that it’s actually true. Seriously.” The awkwardness of being sincere was sometimes too much for Stephen and he almost impulsively made jokes to cover this up. At the moment though, he was able to just hold back and let the statement stand.
Giving him an odd look, Amy let a small smile leak through. “Thanks, Stephen.”
“Water!” Paul was panting and looked like he had run the entire length of the school, holding out a bottle of water triumphantly like Excalibur from the stone.
Stephen sighed and went back to his book as Amy took the water without so much as a thank you. This didn’t seem to deter his poor, housetrained friend as he sat down obediently beside the girl and beamed happily at her. Apparently, Amy taking the water somehow signaled her forgiveness. Stephen saw that this assumption on Paul’s part was fair because after a moment of silence, Amy finally allowed herself a smile at the boy to which he nearly wagged his metaphorical tail too.
Stephen wasn’t sure if he was amused or disgusted and so decided to go back into the world of Frodo Baggins who didn’t seem to have to deal with as much relationship-related stupidity as his hapless friends.~~~~~~~~~
Jon was startled from his diligent examination of the stain on the table before him to see Rob Corddry not two inches away from his face. Stifling a cry, he forced a smile onto his face and tried not to lean away too obviously.
“Uh, hey Rob. What’s… how are you?”
“Good, great, never better,” the strange boy replied hurriedly. “You remember Ed, right?”
Leaning to his right so he could see the other boy, Jon gave a slight nod of the head to Ed. “Hi Ed.”
“Hi,” Ed said simply, dropping into one of the many open seats surrounding Jon.
“So, how were classes today? Good? Good.” Rob looked agitated in an odd way and kept glancing over his left shoulder as he sat in place beside Ed. Jon chanced a look in the direction the other boy kept fidgeting towards but found nothing there. Odd.
“Yeah… they were fine?” Rob glanced over his shoulder again. That was strange. Ed looked completely at ease as opposed to insanely awkward as he had the other day. “Uh, you okay there Rob?” Jon ventured.
“What?” the other boy asked distractedly. “Oh, yeah, no, I’m fine. Fine.” He ran a nervous hand through his hair and glanced around again. In doing so, he happened to catch the eye of the boy sitting beside him and suddenly a blush crept up his neck at as Ed smiled lazily back. Coughing slightly into his fist, he turned back to Jon who was trying his best not to raise his eyebrows at the little exchange. “I just, you know, wanted to thank you again for yesterday. That was really cool of you.”
“Dude, don’t mention it.” Jon shrugged, popping a chip into his mouth. “It’s not that big of a deal.”
“No but… yeah. If you ever need anything, let me know. Hey, do you want to come over this weekend? I’m having a sort of… get-togethery type thing. You know. What people do.”
Jon wondered if it would be rude to shout “NO” but decided against it. It couldn’t be that horrible, right? Besides, this kid was reaching out to him and that was damn well more than most had offered.
“Uh… sure. When?”
Rob looked immensely relieved in a way that was sort of endearing yet also made Jon fear slightly for his mental health. “Awesome! Yeah, on Friday. Around eight. You know, or later, whatever you want. You know.”
Suddenly, Rob’s nervous babbling was interrupted by a booming voice a few feet behind Jon.
Rob perked up and hopped to his feet, dragging whoever it was to the table and into Jon’s line of vision. Jon attempted a smile, even though he was currently trying to not die from cardiac arrest.
“Jon! This is Jason Jones!”
Jason was on the tall side and grinned in a way that Jon found to be a bit smarmy. But his hand was soon grabbed by the bigger boy before being pumped up and down in wild abandon.
“Jon! Good to meet you!” he boomed. Dear God, Corddry had found the one human being on Earth louder than himself. “SAM!
” he suddenly bellowed across the cafeteria, causing many unfortunate bystanders to drop whatever they were eating and stare murderously at the thunderous young man. He turned to address Jon again. “You have to meet my girlfriend, she loves meeting new people. YO, SAMANTHA!”
“Jesus, Jason,” said the young woman approaching them. “Do you have to holler at me like I’m a German barmaid?” For the moment, Jon decided to leave the question of what that meant exactly. He was fairly sure he knew this girl and rose to his feet, nodding a greeting.
“Hi,” he said weakly, offering a hand. “I’m Jon Leibowitz.”
“Hah!” Jason exclaimed, nearly making Ed fall off his stool. “You found the only Jew in here besides Seinfeld, Corddry!”
Shooting her boyfriend a glare, Samantha offered Jon a smile. “Hi, I’m Samantha.” She paused for a moment, examining his face a little more closely. “Wait… aren’t you in my biology class with Rocca?”
Jon’s face blossomed into his first real smile of the day as he finally remembered. “Yeah! I thought I knew you from somewhere.”
“Do you have a lab partner yet? I was supposed to be with this other John kid but he’s sort of, you know,” she then pantomimed typing on a keyboard before shoving up a phantom pair of glasses, “so it would be nice to be paired with someone who isn’t socially retarded.”
“Um…” Jon stuttered. “Yeah, that would be… that would be fine. I’m not with anyone right now.”
“Stellar!” she cried, giving him two big thumbs up. “That’s great. Mind if we sit here?”
“Nope!” Rob answered for him.
Jon now found himself confronted with a very new problem; he was no longer completely alone… he instead had more company than he knew what to do with. Jason and Sam chattered together amicably (surprisingly enough, they weren’t a couple that made Jon want to vomit… they were more just abnormally violent with all the hitting and yelling and such) while Rob and Ed talked sporadically and rather awkwardly with Jon.
There was either something amiss between the two or they always acted that way, Jon couldn’t be sure. The way Ed kept staring at Rob before looking away shyly hit Jon as being a little on the strange side, same as the way Rob’s face kept flushing an impressive shade of red. Jason and Sam seemed to take no notice of the weird interaction.
“So, where are you from?” Sam suddenly asked him.
“Uh, New Jersey.”
“Why’d you move here?”
“My mom wanted to be closer to her sister.”
“Oh, okay. How do you like it so far?”
Jon played with the tab on his soda can. “Uh… it’s different, to say the least. It’s definitely more of a suburban area.”
“Ooh, are you from the city?”
“Uh, closer to the city, I guess you could say. Are you... uh, not from around here?”
She let out a free laugh. “Oh, so you hear the accent! I grew up in Canada until the 7th grade.”
“Wow, that’s pretty interesting.” Jon tried to concentrate on the conversation at hand and ignore the meaningful look Rob was sending Ed. “So, where in Canada are you from?”
“Toronto. You ever been there?”
“No, I’ve only ever been to Nova Scotia. Do you miss it?”
“Yeah, loads. No one here really knows what real snow is like.”
“I have to go to the bathroom!” Rob suddenly shouted, his voice reminiscent of someone scratching their nails along a chalkboard. He turned to his compatriot and in a much softer voice said, “Ed?”
The boy in glasses looked at him with wide eyes for a moment, seemingly just as stunned by his friend’s sudden declaration as everyone else present. Sending Jon a look, he merely shrugged before standing to join Rob in leaving the cafeteria.
“Gayer than a maypole, those two,” Jason muttered, sounding quiet for the first time since he had sat down.
“Jason,” Samantha chided.
“You know I don’t have a problem with it! I just wish they would come out and say it already, you know? It’s driving me fucking crazy.” He shook his head in amused disdain. “I mean, it’s always ‘are they? Aren’t they?’ It’s fucking stupid.” Samantha sent him another admonishing look.
“Are…” Jon stuttered. “Are they actually gay?”
“No,” the girl responded quickly. “At least… I don’t think so.” She sounded a lot less certain than Jon probably would have liked. “I mean, they’ve been best friends since elementary school and attached at the hip all during high school. I think Jason’s just jealous that he only has little old me.” She batted her eyes playfully at her boyfriend.
” Jason intoned incredulously. “Jealous that I don’t have a butt-buddy all of my own? Jesus, Sam.” He then shot Jon an apologetic look. “No offense… if you’re into that sort of thing.”
Jon let out a small laugh. “None taken. Uh… not that I am or anything.”
Jason guffawed. “Of course not, my little Jewish friend. Hey, I’ve never had a Jewish friend before!”
“Ah, it’s every Jew’s dream to be some white kid’s token Jew-friend,” Jon sighed mock-dreamily. “Now I can succeed in that aspiration myself.”
Sam giggled. “Aw, he’s sarcastic
, Jason,” she murmured happily. “Can we keep him?”
“Sure honey, just make sure he’s housetrained,” the young man replied in a low baritone, raising his eyebrow devilishly. Dropping the act, he addressed Jon again, “So, you going to Corddry’s on Friday?”
“Uh, yeah,” Jon answered. “I guess. I mean… what can it hurt, right?”
Jason’s smile turned dangerous. “Yes, what indeed?”
Sam smacked him. “Stop sounding evil.”
“I’ll sound evil if I want, woman!”
“Don’t call me woman, douchebag!”
As the two bickered, Jon sat back. Well
, he reasoned, I guess as far as friends go, I could do worse.TO BE CONTINUED?!?!...yes.Tune in next time for after-school specials, possibly an appearence by Will Ferrell (finally), and Steve Carell being all understanding and wonderful and stuff.EDIT:
I almost forgot- I can't figure out who the hell to have Anderson end up with! Ah, tis the quagmire of love that I send my characters into. Anyway, let me know who you think the lucky man (or I guess woman?) should be. And again, if you have any other pairing suggestions/people you want to see in this fic, leave a comment and I might just pay attention.Disclaimer: Any similarity between the fictional version of the person portrayed here and the actual persons is purely coincidental. This is a work of fiction. This is not an attempt to defame the character of said person on the basis of libel, as the work is FICTIONAL (and NOT an intently false statement created with the express purpose of misleading others about the actual character of said person).
Any mention of 'The Daily Show', 'The Colbert Report', 'Viacom', any associated entites, or any copyrighted material pertaining therein is reasonably protected by the Fair Use Rule of the United States Copyright Act of 1976 and is not intended to infringe upon any copyrighted material.