Screw internship applications! Let's post another one.Title:
Fast Times at NAMBLA High: Part TwoAuthor:
The Daily Show... with a smattering of guest appearances. Pairing:
Including but not limited to:
Jon/Stephen, Stephen/Paul, Stephen/Craig Kilborn, Jon/Anderson Cooper, Paul/Amy, Rob/Frustration, Ed/Confusion, (Rob/Frustration)/(Ed/Confusion), Mo Rocca/Lewis Black, Sam/Jason, Demetri Martin/Nathan Corddry, Bob Novak/Hair nets, Aasif Mandvi/Tucker Carlson, Stone Phillips/Barbara Walters, Dan Bakkedahl/Rob Riggle, Dane Cook/His ego, Dave Gorman/John Oliver, Jerry Seinfeld/Steve Carell, Bill O’Reilly/Hatred, Keith Olbermann/Everyone, John Hodgeman/Bill Gates, Tucker/Craig, Aasif/Anderson, John Hodgeman/Sarah Vowell, Will Ferrell/MOP?, Keith/Dennis Leary, George Clooney/CharmRating:
PG-13 for some languageWarning:
Crack: it's what's for dinner. Other warnings: AU, drug use, underage drinking, het crap, and Will Ferrell being creepy. For this specific chapter? Blatant, almost-corny allusions to the original shows these guys come from... not that there's anything wrong with that.A/N:
Part two of the epic multipart series! Huzzah! I wrote this part insanely fast and probably very crappily! Double huzzah! This is my conception of what it would be like for all of these people to be in a high school situation together... if high school didn't
suck. And had awesome people around every corner!Length:
Feedback helps my crack addiction. Give generously.Previous chapters: Chapter OneSummary:
This is what I wrote as a summary at 3 in the AM when I was supposed to be writing a paper but instead conceived of this horrifying brainchild:The OC meets TDS meets High School Musical meets TCR meets Queer As Folk times a billion meets my life meets Strangers with Candy meets Footloose meets Are You There God, It’s Me Margaret meets CNN meets CRACK.
In this edition of FTANH: Michelangelo should go on Top Design, Stephen is smirky, Rob yells, Ed is not
cute, Stone is a dick, and Jerry learns a few things.FAST TIMES AT NAMBLA HIGH
“And then… uh… Michelangelo was all ‘step off Julius’ and the Romans stormed France,” Mr. Bakkedahl finished with a flourish. “Any questions?”
Rob Corddry sighed and shifted in his seat. Seriously, could Bakkedahl get
any more boring? Come on
. Enough of this history shit! He was ready to do some finger painting or whateverthefuck people did in art.
He glanced at Ed who, much to his annoyance, was looking very pained. Why was this annoying? Well, to be fair Ed tended to look pained about 90% of the time, especially in any classes that involved some sort of note-taking or any other dumb shit like that. But right now he was sitting next to Rob! Why was he looking like someone was poking chicken wire up his ass while he was next to Rob? Really, it was too much.
Rob furrowed his brow and stared at the other boy, trying in vain to see if he could catch his attention. Ed merely continued to look agitated, biting his lip not-at-all-adorably and scrunching up his eyes so they looked tiny behind his glasses.
You know who wasn’t helping? Colbert, that’s who. The guy was somehow managing to look even more agitated than Ed (if such a thing were possible) while giving Bakkedahl a look that could only be described as “burning with the fire of ten thousand women scorned.” But Rob didn’t use words like “scorn” so he instead called it the “look-o-death” in his head, nearly making him chuckle and share his obvious comic genius with Ed. But then he caught himself, being reminded that he was in fact annoyed with the stupid kid who now looked marvelously constipated.Jackass.
Cocking his head, Rob regarded Stephen. He looked a lot like Ed, really, only less… confused. Stephen always seemed more sure of himself than Ed ever was but Rob decided he really didn’t like that at all. That
was the sign of a dick.
You know who usually wasn’t a dick? Ed. But not right now. Nope, right now Ed was not in his good graces. Maybe he should just shoot him… like that hobo. It would only make sense, seeing as Ed was the only one who knew about the hobo in the first place.
Maybe then Stephen could be his replacement Ed. He could call him “Ed II” and maybe make him wear Ed’s clothes.
You know who would think that was funny? Ed. Rob couldn’t tell if Stephen would think it was funny. Maybe he could ask him? But then all thoughts of Stephen being replacement-Ed were crushed as Stephen raised his hand.Well, his place is shot
, Rob thought darkly. Only dickweeds raise their hands.
Both of Rob’s
hands were firmly grasping the pencil that he was not imagining poking Ed with just to see him make that not-nearly-cute bewildered look he would always make when Rob did something inexplicable.
“Sir… exactly what school did you graduate from?”
Bakkedahl looked at Stephen oddly before scratching his head. “Uh… Duke, why?”
Sending one more confused look toward Stephen who was now slouching in his chair and hiding a smirk, Mr. Bakkedahl turned to address the rest of the class. “Uh… anyone else?”
A panicked hand flew into the air. Jesus Christ! It was Ed. Now Ed
couldn’t even be replacement-Ed! Hang on… did that even work?
“Wait, why did Michelangelo get into an argument with Julius Caesar?”
“Because… he wanted to paint the forum pink.”
Ed screwed up his face, looking even more perplexed than before. “What?” Rob decided that pencil-poking wasn’t an option anymore. It was pencil-stabbing
now. It was only fair. And considerate, really. The guy obviously needed to be put out of his misery. But then who would be replacement-Ed? Rob glanced around the room looking for people with glasses.
Huh… there was only that Hodgeman kid. Rob wrote down his name, underlined it, and considered interviewing him after class.
“I’ll uh… give you my notes later, Ed,” Stephen was hissing at the boy sitting behind him. Apparently, Stephen didn’t want Ed asking any more stupid questions either. But that was lame, seeing as Stephen had initiated the stupid-question-asking. Rob was reminded once more of how much he hated people who raised their hands and shot Ed a dirty look. Traitor.
Ed was nodding gratefully at Stephen before offering Bakkedahl a nervous grin. “Uh, never mind! I’m good.”
Rob sneered. “Jesus, Ed, can you PLEASE CALM THE HELL DOWN ALREADY?”
Alright, so maybe
the looks of shock he received from everyone were deserved… but Ed was making him crazy! Rob glanced around the room and smiled a little feebly before sinking a bit in his chair. Stephen had actually turned around to raise one of those stupid eyebrows at him (bastard… any flagging feelings Rob had had about ruling him out as replacement-Ed were now resolutely vanquished) and Ed was staring at him, looking impressively perplexed.
Rob cleared his throat. “Uh… so, that Michelangelo. Was he… gay?”
The stares continued. Damn. His plan of distraction wasn’t working!
Bakkedahl regarded him oddly. “Gay? Why would you think he was gay?”
Rob’s Adam’s apple worked up and down as he tried to think on his feet. “You know… with wanting to paint the forum pink and stuff. And drawing all those naked dudes. Seems a little
gay to me.” He popped a piece of gum in his mouth, trying to look nonchalant as he shrugged. “Just a thought.”
Bakkedahl stared at him a moment more and Rob was pretty sure if his ears got any redder, they would fall off. Finally, the teacher seemed to shake himself out of his confused stupor and with one more glance aimed at Rob, he went on with his lecture.
Ed, however, continued to stare at him in awe and with a look that was very akin to someone who had just witnessed a person push a bowling ball out their nose. Rob just raised his eyebrow, as if to say, “Yes? What?” and Ed finally gave him one of his weird, nerdy, not-even-close-to-appealing smiles and went back to looking confused while taking notes.
Rob breathed a sigh of relief. Everything was back to normal.~~~~~~~~~
“Rob!” The boy kept up his pace with Ed trailing a few feet behind him. “ROB!”
Halting and nearly making Ed crash into him, Rob finally turned around. His brother panted and came to a halt, a look of annoyance on his face. “What?” he asked bluntly, not bothering to hide his irritation.
“What is wrong with you? I’ve been calling you for a good minute!”
Rob rolled his eyes. “Look, I thought we went over this. You: freshman. Me: upperclassman who doesn’t want to be seen with freshmen. Comprende?”
Rob ignored the sympathetic smile Ed gave his brother and continued to scowl at the shorter Corddry. “Whatever,” Nathan scoffed, rolling his eyes. “What do you care? The only person you ever hang out with is Ed!”
It was now Rob’s turn to scoff. “Hey! I have a very large social circle! Ed and I are just… good friends.” He scowled all the more at the dubious look his brother was giving him. Rob finally sighed and rolled his eyes. “What do you want?”
“I wanted to know if you were driving me home from school today? Mom said you would and I wanted to make sure I know where to meet you so we don’t have a repeat of the zoo.” Nate shuddered at the memory. “We’re not
making this a repeat of the zoo!”
“Fine, fine, we won’t make this a repeat of the zoo,” Rob growled. Ed looked a bit puzzled by the conversation but said nothing. “Just go to the traffic circle after class.” As Nate opened his mouth, Rob cut him off. “And yes, I will wait for you! God
, Nate. Chill out.”
Nate looked pleased by this and as he was about to turn to go, Rob grabbed his backpack and brought him to an abrupt halt. “How…” Rob began awkwardly, glancing around the hall. “How was your first day?”
Nate narrowed his eyes at his brother. “What happened to not wanting to be seen with freshmen?”
“Jesus, Nate!” Rob nearly yelled, making Ed jump. “I’m trying to be nice! I guess that kind of thing is lost on you?”
Not responding to his last statement, Nate continued to regard his brother warily. “It was fine. I had a couple of dickheads in some of my classes. I have Rocca next for chemistry.” He folded his arms over his chest, eyes still narrowed. “Anything else you want to know?”
“No,” Rob snapped. “Not if it’s that much trouble to tell your brother how your day was!” Pausing, Rob furrowed his brow and continued more quietly, “And if any of those guys give you any more trouble… just tell them I’m going to kick their asses, alright?”
Nate opened his mouth as if he was about to say something but then stopped and offered his big brother a small smile. “Alright. Any other words of wisdom?”
Rob shook his head but Ed suddenly piped up. “Uh… if Rocca needs any assistants, be sure to avoid being called on. Especially if it’s anything to do with fire.” Ed paused, a slightly ill and far-off look on his face. “Seriously.”
Nate nodded slowly, looking a bit frightened. “Okay, duly noted. Am I free to go?”
“Yeah, get out of here,” Rob chuckled, unable to hide the affection in voice. As his brother trotted away, he yelled after him, “Remember: NO FIRE! If Rocca comes near you with a flame, run away
! YOU’D LOOK VERY BAD BALD!”
Nate resolutely ignored him until he rounded a corner and was out of sight. Rob turned back and began walking again to find Ed staring at him and smiling in a distant and very obviously-not-good-looking way. “What?” Rob inquired, touching his face in case it was covered in some sort of horrible boils or something. Of course, if he had gone by Ed’s expression he probably could have deduced that something nice was on his face, but Rob was quite a paranoid person.
Ed’s smile just got the tiniest bit bigger before he shrugged. “Nothing,” he remarked, beginning to walk. “You just wouldn’t look bad bald, that’s all.”
Hanging back, Rob contemplated his friend, trying to figure out if that was some sort of veiled insult or Ed being nice in that weird and very un-endearing way. But thinking about it, Rob decided that it was
Ed. So it was probably just the weird niceness his friend seemed to be so full of… which did not
make Rob’s stomach go all flippy like a girl’s.
“Uh… thanks?” he offered, catching up with the bespectacled boy.
Ed just shrugged and Rob was left yet again not at all fighting the giddy sick feelings that were not making him feel light-headed.~~~~~~~~~
“Whoa, hey Jerry! Lookin’ a little worn out! Everything alright at home?”
Jerry sighed, feeling that old familiar dread filling him. Was it too much to ask to have his one fucking break during his mind-blowingly dull day not include having to interact with this imbecile of a man?
Instead of throwing a book at his head like he would have liked, Jerry instead turned and flashed what he felt to be a very insincere smile at his colleague. “No, Stone, just a little… tired. That’s all. You know. From teaching a real subject.” Fake laughter filled the air as the two continued to face each other.
“Oh, well, we all know how useful English is!” Stone continued, veneers flashing evilly. “Maybe some of your kids will be inspired by you and major in English! Then they can… well… teach English! Is
there anything else you can do with that, Jerry?”
Jerry highly doubted that there was anyone in the world who deserved loathing more than Stone Phillips. The man was everything he despised… full of pompous self-worth and enough egotism that he could jack off to his own picture for days and never get tired.
“Well,” Jerry said dryly, “I guess being a teacher is better then failing at the one gift God gave me… being a fake prick in front of a large group of people… and then
having to teach others how to do the exact same thing. Scone?”
Even Jerry was shocked by how acidic they could get within a few short minutes. Perhaps it was because they both represented something the other hated in society… for Jerry, Stone was the quintessential pretentious asshole who had never had to really do an honest day’s work in his life and, in spite of his obvious failings, still felt it necessary to blow any small faults another person had into their face.
Jerry supposed Stone hated him because, well… his entire vernacular didn’t consist of anecdotes about Walker Texas Ranger and he had half a brain. Oh, and the Jewishness. Couldn’t forget that, could he?
Luckily, Stone seemed content to move on at the moment and Jerry was more than content to let him. The media teacher haughtily refused the scone in Jerry’s hand and flitted away to most likely torture someone else with his linguistic finesse. Finally, Jerry spotted the only other people who he could bear to be around in this hellhole.
“Steve, John—thank God,” he stated in distress, flopping in the chair next to his coworker. “I need some intelligent conversation, fast. This day has been amazingly filled with idiocy.”
Steve smiled lightly into the rim of his coffee cup. “Worse then usual?” he asked, dry amusement in his voice.
“Yes. God, yes. It’s been horrible. The only bright moment was when this new Jewish kid basically pulled that douche bag Carlson’s intellectual pants down in the middle of my lecture. It was amazing. Besides that, it’s been horrible, and did I mention that Carlson is in one of my classes?
Steve chuckled, putting his cup down and draping a foot over his knee. “Well, better having him in your class than harping you for recommendations for his next stupid internship. God, I’m helping this kid get his foot in the door in Washington. Washington
, Jerry! Why don’t I just release some sort of biological agent now and get it over with?”
Jerry smiled at his friend, nodding in commiseration. “Any other horror stories?”
“Besides trying to advise some girl with a 1.5 GPA, herpes, and is possibly pregnant to not get married? No. Oh, though there was that kid who told me he wants to be an astronaut. He’s 15. And I think he has something akin to leprosy because that kind of skin is not normal. And he told me that he ‘dun wanna be a ass-troh-naht.’”
Snorting into his coffee, Jerry shook his head. “Is it your job to be advising some girl on her marriage plans?”
Sighing sadly and looking off into the distance, Steve frowned. “Who knows? People interpret the word ‘counselor’ as they will, man. I don’t seem to have much say in my job description.”
“How’s your day been, John?”
John Oliver’s expression darkened and he suddenly glowered at the donut being gripped in his hand. “Terrible. No one in this bloody school can play an instrument for the life of them. And did you know that they’re having me teach the chorus now? Chorus. Me. I used to be a bloody concert pianist!” He bit into the pastry angrily. “But no, I had to have some sort of barmy awakening and now I’m a fucking teacher. Mad. I’m completely mad.”
Jerry patted his friend’s arm and fought the smile trying to make its way to his face. Steve gave the Brit a sympathetic look and said, “Well, I guess it could be worse.”
There was silence for a moment as they both stared at him. “How,” John began, peering at Steve from behind his glasses, “exactly
could it be any worse?”
Glancing from one man to the other, Steve finally sighed and shook his head. “I don’t know,” he conceded. “I thought guidance counselors were supposed to give people hope. Completely, utterly useless and unfounded hope.”
Jerry smiled at his coworker. “Hey, we appreciate it greatly. It’s very… inspiring.”
Steve chuckled a bit and was about to say something when the door banged open and Lewis Black came trundling in.
“Guys!” he barked, getting everyone’s attention. “I have some good news! As all of you are probably aware of, Mrs. Hunt had to be let go last semester for some, uh,” he coughed discreetly into his hand, hiding a smirk, “indiscretions
in relation to students.” John made a rude gesture that Steve promptly smacked him for and Jerry grinned widely.
“But we’ve just recently gotten a new addition to this fun-loving group.” The sarcasm dripping from Lewis’ voice made Jerry grin even harder. He loved working for this man, however shitty the rest of job might be. “So, as our new social studies teacher, let me introduce, all the way from merry old England,” the two Americans glanced at their British friend who was suddenly looking much more interested than before, “Dave Gorman!”
There was a smattering of clapping as the new guy wandered in, looking a bit like a deer in the headlights. The three sitting in the far corner gave each other appraising looks.
“A new Brit?” Steve murmured to the other two. “Sounds like you might have competition for our love now, John.”
John was merely surveying the new-comer who was currently shaking an over-enthusiastic Rob Riggle’s hand in amazement. “He’s from England
? But… why? Doesn’t he know that this place is absolute bullocks
Jerry chuckled. “Obviously not. I guess you haven’t complained enough about it and the memo didn’t make it all the way across the ocean. How long do you think he’ll last?”
Steve glanced at Gorman again. “Well… judging by the way the school system has been working… longer than any of us?”
Jerry and John both shot him hateful looks that the younger man just grinned at before sipping at his coffee again.
“You think I should… introduce myself?” John asked uncertainly, beginning to push himself up from the chair. “Act as the British liaison and all?”
Jerry shrugged, picking up a paper from the table. “Sure. It would probably be a good idea.”
Steve nodded. “Feel him out and get back to us as to whether or not he’s worth our collective time.”
Grimacing, John bit his lip before taking a deep breath. “Alright, here goes.”
As he made his way over, the other two heard Lewis bellow a very loud, “Ah, here’s the guy I was telling you about!” before their friend was engulfed in a conversation with the principal and the new guy.
“So, what do you think?” Jerry asked Steve quietly.
“Oh,” Steve murmured, not even sparing the two Englishmen a glance. “He likes him. Definitely.”
Jerry did a double-take and gaped at his friend. “Wait, what? What do you mean, John likes him?”
“I mean,” Steve stated patiently, “that’s he’s interested.”
“But… what?” Jerry narrowed his eyes. “What do you mean? Why would he be interested?”
Eyes finally meeting Jerry’s, Steve looked at him very seriously. “Maybe I don’t mean anything,” he deadpanned.
Jerry regarded the other man for a moment in silence until finally his curiosity got the better of him. “What are you talking about, Steve?” he pleaded.
Shrugging, Steve went back to his paper and ignored his friend’s plaintive gaze. “I’m just saying… that John seems to be interested. Take that as you will.”
“What,” Jerry scoffed, “like a… a gay
Steve shrugged again, an action that Jerry was beginning to find very obnoxious. “I’m not saying that.”
“Then what are you saying?”
Steve smirked into his paper. “What do you
think Jerry?” He looked up again and Jerry resisted the urge to smack him.
“I think…” the Jewish man begins slowly, “that you think John is gay and has the hots for Gorman. That’s what I think you’re saying.”
Steve smirked all the more. “Is that so?”
“Yes, that’s what I think you think.”
“What do you think of what you think I think?”
Face falling into a scowl, Jerry growled, “I think I want to kill you right now, that’s what I think.”
Smirk blossoming into a grin and putting the paper down, Steve turned his full attention to Jerry. “Fine, fine… yeah, that’s what I think.”
“Why not?” Steve countered. “Makes sense. He never talks about his personal life. He’s a bit… you know
“He’s British!” Jerry exclaimed quietly. “How can you tell? They all seem gay to me!”
Steve shrugged once more and Jerry found himself once more contemplating serious bodily harm on the younger man. “I don’t know,” Steve continued, interrupting the other man’s thoughts of violence. He picked up his paper again and gave Jerry an odd look. “I just… have a good eye for such things.”
Jerry peered at him. “Do you now?”
Steve smiled at him from over top of his paper. “So I’ve been told. Comes with the guidance counselor business. We’re very in-tune, you know.”
“Humph,” Jerry grumbled. “I guess…” He glanced back again at the two Brits talking animatedly to each other. “So you think John’s… gay.” Turning back and seeing the look Steve was giving him, he quickly back-peddled. “Not that there’s anything wrong with that.”
Jerry scoffed, feeling a bit put out. “No! Of course not. It’s just a bit of a… you know… surprise.”
Steve still looked on at him in amusement. “Yeah, well, I’m not 100% sure, you know. But,” he continued, giving Jerry a knowing look, “I’m pretty damn sure.”
Jerry merely sent another glance backwards before shaking his head in wonder and going back to reading. After a moment, he murmured, “Gay, huh? What do you know. You learn something new every day.”
Steve didn’t respond but in his peripheral vision Jerry saw his friend merely smile impishly at his paper.TO BE CONTINUED?!?!...yes.Tune in next time for rising sexual tension, Keith Olbermann most likely being inappropraite, and Jon being scared of people in general.Disclaimer: Any similarity between the fictional version of the person portrayed here and the actual persons is purely coincidental. This is a work of fiction. This is not an attempt to defame the character of said person on the basis of libel, as the work is FICTIONAL (and NOT an intently false statement created with the express purpose of misleading others about the actual character of said person).
Any mention of 'The Daily Show', 'The Colbert Report', 'Viacom', any associated entites, or any copyrighted material pertaining therein is reasonably protected by the Fair Use Rule of the United States Copyright Act of 1976 and is not intended to infringe upon any copyrighted material.