Title: To Serve Your Country
Author: Mwah.
Fandom: The Daily Show.
Pairing: Jon/Stephen/Condoleezza Rice
Rating: PG-13 for… well.. ickyness
Warning: Pukey-ness? I mean, seriously, it made my soul vomit. And spoilers for both TDS and TCR’s January 15th shows.
A/N: For sailorptah… because she is a sick, sick person. This was written incredibly quickly and my brain is still hemorrhaging. May God have mercy on my soul.
Length: 1535
Feedback: It's welcome, though I kind of want to pretend this never happened.
Summary: Sometimes mere men can become the greatest of heroes.





TO SERVE YOUR COUNTRY


It was four AM on a Tuesday morning when Jon Stewart was awakened by a distant ringing near his head.

“Nnnrgh…” said Jon.

“Jon,” said Jon’s wife. “For the love of God, your phone is ringing.”

Jon’s hands slipped out from under the pillow he had been clutching to his head in an effort to shut out the noise and grappled for his cell.

“Nnnnrgh…” Jon said again, this time even more eloquently than the last. “Hello?”

He heard an indistinct voice in the distance, repeating the word “Hello?” over and over until Jon had the good sense to pry his eyes open and realize that the mouth piece was somewhere near his ear and the voice was coming out near his chin. He grumbled and flipped the phone over.

“Sorry, hello? Who is this?”

“Mr. Stewart?” It was definitely a woman and Jon felt a tingle in his mind though the recognition was muffled by his overwhelming grogginess.

Jon growled a little under his breath and rubbed his eyes. “Yes. Yes it is. Who the hell is this?”

“This is Secretary of State Dr. Condoleezza Rice.”

Jon was silent for a moment and he rolled onto his back to mull over this interesting information.

Finally, he spoke: “Stephen… is that you? I didn’t know you could do Rice so well…”

“I prefer Dr. Rice, Mr. Stewart, and I’m assuming this is Stephen Colbert you are referring to, yes?”

Jon sat up, his mind reeling a bit. “Uh, yes ma’am?” he replied, feeling like a chastised school-boy.

“Oh, well this is certainly not Mr. Colbert.”

Jon slipped out of bed, making sure Tracey had gone back to sleep and tiptoeing out into the hallway. “Samantha?”

“No.”

“Ed?”

“No.”

“Jason?”

“No.”

“Rob?”

“No.”

“… Steve?” his voice was getting weaker by the moment. It sure as hell sounded like Condoleezza Rice… but… what the hell?

“Mr. Stewart, I believe if you check your caller ID you will see that this is in fact a call from the Washington, DC area code.”

Jon paused for a moment, still attempting to make any sense of what the hell was going on but he glanced at his phone. Holy shit… it was a DC-area call… and not only DC but…

“You’re calling me from the White House?”

“This is of utmost importance, Mr. Stewart.”

Jon had to sit down, this was way too much for him. “I… but… how did you… this is my cell phone…”

“Mr. Stewart.” The voice was a bit sharp but he could tell she was attempting to be kind. “I work for the government. I’m the Secretary of State. Your cell phone number is the least of which you should be worried about.”

“What… I… what else do you know?”

There was a pause on the other end. “Does hornymanatee.com ring a bell?”

Jon’s mouth hung open in shock. “I… how the hell… it was for research! For the show! That’s…” He suddenly felt quite faint and all he could do was shut his mouth in order to stop sputtering. “What do you want?”

“I have a task for you, Mr. Stewart.”

“I… what?”

“It’s for the nation.”

“Okay?” He was in the Twilight Zone. That was the only answer. Nothing else made sense. Or else someone had slipped him acid without him knowing it… in which case this was probably the lamest trip ever.

“I believe you can help me end the war.”

Jon’s mouth dropped open and he titled his head a bit as he considered what she was talking about. Oh, God, let it not be what he thought she was referring to.

“Uh… how so?”

“I believe you made a proposition the other night.”

Jon suddenly couldn’t see... he was STRUCK BLIND. This wasn’t happening. No way.

He finally found his tongue again. “You… you… are you serious?”

“I’m never not serious, Mr. Stewart.”

The insane part of his brain cackled “THAT’S A DOUBLE NEGATIVE! THE SECRETARY OF STATE IS USING A DOUBLE NEGATIVE WHILE TRYING TO GET ME TO BONE HER!”

The part of his brain that was making him talk produced the words: “Uh… what?”

“I believe you heard me, Mr. Stewart.”

“I… I’m not sure if I quite understand, Ma’am. This is all…” he suddenly couldn’t speak again.

“I think you understand quite well.” It was like being scolded by a grouchy school marm.

“Okay? I mean…”

“If you do this, I may reconsider my stance on the war effort.”

Jon fell silent again, for the first time seriously considering what this all entailed. He could do it. Really, he could. If he put his mind to it. Sure… it would take a lot of willpower but if it would stop the war…

He shuddered suddenly at the mental picture produced in his brain.

“I’m a little… shocked, Dr., uh… Rice. Ma’am. Secretary of State. I mean… this is a bit unexpected.”

“Are you willing to help your country, Mr. Stewart?”

“Well… yes? I mean, will this make you stop with the increase of troops if I do this?”

A breath was sucked in on the other end and suddenly in a voice with the poison of a million snakes dripping from it, she hissed, “Augmentation, Mr. Stewart. The augmentation would be stopped.”

“Right!” Jon yelped, his voice sounding like his balls were in a vice. “Augmentation! That’s what I meant. That. Yeah.” He paused again, feeling more conflicted than he ever had been in his life. “So… it would help then?”

“Perhaps. But you’d need to do something else for me, Mr. Stewart.”

“Uh…” He swallowed the bile threatening at the back of his throat and in his best sexy voice he said, “And what would that be… baby?”

“Dr. Rice.”

“Sorry, sorry, Dr. Rice.”

“I need you to make a call.”

“I thought you had, you know, access to everyone’s numbers and…”

He was cut off. “I think he may be more easily convinced by you, Mr. Stewart… from what I’ve seen of your interactions.”

“’He’?” Jon was starting to feel a little less bewildered now and more ill by the minute.

“Yes, ‘he’. Mr. Colbert, to be exact.”

Yep, Jon was definitely going to throw up. Not Stephen. He couldn’t bear to involve Stephen in this. “Uh… what…?”

There was a pause on the other end.

“He needs to serve his country too.”

~~~~~

Within five minutes, Jon found himself on the phone again, leaning into his counter-top and figuring out how the hell to broach this subject.

“… Hello?” came the groggy voice.

“Stephen, hey it’s Jon.”

“Jon, hey! Is everything okay?”

Jon sighed, looking up to the heavens for guidance. “Yeah, man, I just need to ask you something…” He glanced around the room. “Would you be willing to serve your country?”

~~~~~~

It was almost an hour later before Jon was slipping back into bed.

“Jon…” his wife’s sleepy voice drifted to his ears from beside him. “Who was that?”

“No one, honey,” he replied sagely.

“What?” she asked, but was rewarded only with Jon muttering something about “the things I do for this country” and his quiet snores following soon after.


~~~~~~


“You got everything?”

Jon was facing Stephen (or rather looking anywhere besides Stephen’s face because the leer there was making him feel all… queasy yet flushed at the same time) outside the motel room that had been specified to him.

“Yeah, well… I think so. I still don’t really understand why we need lube…”

Stephen furrowed his brow at his friend. “What, you think she’s just going to let us get off with having sex with just her?”

Jon’s face somehow flushed an even darker shade of red and he decided to leave that little idea alone for now. “And the camcorder?”

“I don’t know about that one, myself. I guess she’s just kind of voyeuristic.”

“…And the stirrups? And the ballgag? And the whip? And the leather chaps?”

Stephen bit his lip. “…Yeah. Not sure about all that.”

Jon just sighed. “Did you bring the Gatorade?”

“Yup.” Stephen presented the paper bag with a flourish. “For all our post-coital refreshment needs.” He glanced at the bags clutched in Jon’s hands. “Looks like we’re probably going to need it.” He sounded a bit wary but he winked at Jon anyways. “Ready?”

Jon huffed out a breath. “As much as I’ll ever be.” He raised his fist to rap on the door but paused. “This is for the country,” he murmured to himself, finally bringing is hand in contact with the door. “Uh… Dr. Rice?”

“Come in boys… it’s unlocked,” came the sharp voice from inside. He couldn’t tell if she was trying to be seductive or commanding. This was certainly going to be interesting.

Before opening the door, Jon grabbed Stephen’s arm. “Stephen?”

“Yeah man?”

“…I’m glad you’re here with me.”

Stephen suddenly grinned and Jon felt it go all the way to his toes. “Me too.” He winked again before swinging open the door. “Your boytoys have arrived!” he announced, spreading his arms wide to the darkened room before him.

Jon followed soon after, but not before thinking, “The things I do to save the world.”


FIN




*Side notes: Ten bucks goes to anyone who knows what hornymanatee.com is from. Now I have to go and wash my brain with peroxide. *shudder*






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