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Reject Reality: Embrace the Absurd
I am but mad north by northwest...
Fast Times at NAMBLA High: Part 12 
18th-May-2007 03:55 am
Aretha Putin
This, my friends, is what we call being on a roll.

Title: Fast Times at NAMBLA High: Part Twelve
Author: Your’s truly
Fandom: The Daily Show... with a smattering of guest appearances.
Pairing: Including but not limited to:
Jon/Stephen, Stephen/Paul, Stephen/Craig Kilborn, Jon/Anderson Cooper, Paul/Amy, Rob/Frustration, Ed/Confusion, (Rob/Frustration)/(Ed/Confusion), Mo Rocca/Lewis Black, Sam/Jason, Demetri Martin/Nathan Corddry, Bob Novak/Hair nets, Aasif Mandvi/Tucker Carlson, Stone Phillips/Barbara Walters, Dan Bakkedahl/Rob Riggle, Dane Cook/His ego, Dave Gorman/John Oliver, Jerry Seinfeld/Steve Carell, Bill O’Reilly/Hatred, Keith Olbermann/Everyone, John Hodgeman/Bill Gates, Tucker/Craig, Aasif/Anderson, John Hodgeman/Sarah Vowell, Will Ferrell/MOP?, Keith/Dennis Leary, George Clooney/Charm
Featured pairing(s): Jerry/Steve (implied), John/Dave, Ed/Rob (implied), Nate/Dane (friendship), Nate/Demetri
Rating: PG-13 again
Warning: Crack: it's what's for dinner. Other warnings: AU, drug use, underage drinking, het crap, and Will Ferrell being creepy. For this specific chapter? Um… Dane Cook acts like an ass. Aaaand… I like cliff-hangers?
A/N: Yeah, I’m posting again. I posted another chapter like, 2 days ago, so if you missed it check it out. I was all pukey today so I decided to bang out this sucker and ignore my body dying. So, basically, if this blows I blame my tummy sickness. I love ya’ll!
Length: 5040
Feedback: Feedback helps my crack addiction. Give generously.
Previous chapters:
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Four Point Five: An Interlude of sorts
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten (A)
Chapter Ten (B)
Chapter Ten (C)
Chapter Ten (D)
Chapter Eleven
Summary: OMG! ANOTHER NEW SUMMARY??? *is intrigued*

It's like a high school fic that isn't lame and is all cracky and shit. Read it.
~An annonymous reader who I totally didn't make up.


In this edition of FTANH: John is sort of helpful, Steve is confused, Dane is a teenage boy, Nate is conflicted, and Demetri is artistic.

Part Twelve

“Good morning, everyone! Yes, please, everyone… quiet down, please… everyone… QUIET DOWN. Ahem. Thank you. How was everyone’s weekend? Good? Good. No, Susan, I don’t think everyone wants to hear the details… however enlightening they might be. No. I’m… Alright, EVERYONE. Quiet please. Yes? Today we’re going to try out… what? No, we’re not going to sing Destiny’s Child. Why not? Well, I have a few choice words for exactly why not but we’ll just leave it as it’s not on our list of numbers for the upcoming concert. No, I can’t change it. No, I wouldn’t change it if I could. Alright? Alright, let’s get started.”

They had tried. The little blighters had actually tried and John had to give them that. Fuck, he had tried as well! He had started out all peaches and cream but by the end had resorted to screaming again, feeling the veins in his temples pump to their limit. He had been in a good mood, the residual happiness from the weekend putting a little extra skip in his step, but now he was back to just wanting to get the hell out of here and get back to his home. Or to Dave.

A slight smile graced his face again as he shuffled around the papers on his desk. Dave. Smile growing, John shook his head. God, he was a 12-year-old girl, pining after his boyfriend. The smile grew into a full-out grin.


Shaking himself, John went back to the papers. Papers weren’t at all smile-inducing. Papers were… well… boring. Sighing, he rubbed his eyes and tried not to wish too hard that he was anywhere besides his dinky little office at the moment.

Knock knock knock!

John barely had enough time to register the knock at the door before he was on his feet and throwing it open. He fought the surge of disappointment and smiled as he saw it was only Steve.

Offering him a lop-sided grin, Steve walked past John and sat in the chair. “Expecting someone else?” he asked, an eyebrow cocked in amusement. Apparently, John hadn’t hid his disappointment as well as he had hoped.

“Oh, you know…” John trailed off, shifting his papers pointlessly. “Just, uh, Dave. Maybe.” His face flushed a deep red and he coughed into his fist. “Having a good day, then?” he asked hastily.

Steve just continued to grin at him from where he remained slumped in his seat. “Oh, fine,” he responded mischievously. “So, you have your kids watch The Wall while you’re busy in here…” he pawed through some of the papers on John’s desk, eliciting a small noise of protest from the Brit, “piling up music orders from two years ago? Really, John. I would expect better.”

“Shouldn’t you be talking down some art student from running away and joining a commune?” John grumbled, though he soon flagged and gave Steve a halting smile. “Besides, I’ll have you know that The Wall is a work of musical art and is one of Pink Floyd’s greatest works.”

“It’s trippy as hell,” Steve answered reasonably, tossing one the paperweights from John’s desk from one hand to the other. “And arguably endorses drug use. And the student was into literature and wanted to run off to join the Scientologists, thank you very much.”

“Really? One of the lit club kids wanted to become a Scientologist?”

Steve sighed warily, chuckling as he rubbed his eyes. “Yeah. He had a real hard-on for Hubbard. Luckily I convinced him to finish out high school before becoming a freak of nature.” The was a moment’s pause and suddenly Steve was grinning again. “So… how was your weekend?” he asked nonchalantly, mischief in his eyes.

“Fine,” John replied stiffly, trying to ignore the flush on his cheeks again. “And your’s?” He lifted his eyes from where they had been fixed squarely on his papers to see Steve’s raised eyebrows. Suddenly, Dave’s voice came back to him…

“How could you just not tell them?”

“Actually,” John amended, making Steve blink from his change of tone, “I… it was more than fine. It was… it was good. Really good, actually.”

“Go on,” Steve intoned excitedly, leaning forward and putting his knees on his elbows. Feeling the old feelings of apprehension, John paused for a moment. This could actually be kind of fun if he could let it.

“I, well…” John realized he had no idea how to breach this.

Steve seemed to sense this because he pressed onward. “Is this a, uh… does this have to do with Dave, by any chance?” he asked, waggling his eyebrows.

“God,” John sputtered, chuckling as his face somehow managed to get hotter. “I, well… yes…?”

“And this is good news?” Steve asked, sounding even more excited. Why the hell hadn’t John talked to him before? This was gratifying in a way that John never would have speculated.

“Um, yes…” John trailed off, smiling shyly. “I asked him to be my… my boyfriend.”

Steve just smiled even harder, not looking at all put off by how obviously ridiculous John sounded. “And?” Steve asked eagerly.

“Um… he said yes,” John finished quietly.

Steve made a loud whooping noise before jumping to his feet and yanking John up into a warm, if only mildly awkward, hug. John stood stiffly for a moment before grinning and hugging back, laughing as Steve slapped him on the back.

“Congratulations, man,” Steve laughed once they had pulled apart. He flopped back onto the chair and regarded John with a happy grin.

He seems happy for me, John thought in wonder. Honest to God happy for me. He coughed slightly into his hand again, fighting down the sudden swell of emotions washing over him.

“You okay?” Steve asked, looking concerned.

“No, yeah, sure,” John choked out as he waved a dismissing hand. “I’m just…” He cleared his throat. “I’m glad I can share this kind of thing with you now. It’s um… it’s nice.”

“Hey, man,” Steve responded, looking thoroughly touched. “Any time.”

“Yes, well, I’ll try to be brief on the explicit sexual details,” John smirked, feeling more relaxed than he had in a while.

“Please,” Steve chortled dismissingly, “don’t mince words for me.” He leaned forward and winked at his friend. “Lord knows I could do with living vicariously through someone else’s sex life.”

“Oh God,” John sputtered, laughing helplessly. “I don’t know how I could deal with that given my delicate British sensibilities. I think I would die from blushing.”

“Yeah, I would push it except I see your point since your face is already an unhealthy shade,” Steve chuckled, making John rub at his cheeks in amused embarrassment. “Hey,” the shorter man suddenly said, looking a little shy. “I have a question for you. Since you’re, like, my token gay friend now.”

“Token gay friend?” John asked skeptically. “All my warning signals are going off now. Oh God, you’re not going to ask me about receiving anal are you?” Steve looked shocked for a moment before barking out a laugh.

“God no!” he giggled. “Although now I know who to go to if the question ever comes up.”

“Glad to be of service,” John laughed, giving him a nod. “Anyway… you have a, uh…” He laughed derisively. “Token gay friend question?”

“Yeah,” Steve said, looking a little nervous again. “Just, you know, no big deal or anything, just a question.”

“Stall-ing,” John sang, biting into the bagel he had stored away in his drawer. “Go on.”

“Well… how gay is it to share a bed with another dude?”

John somehow managed to not choke on his bagel and nodded in what he hoped was a calm way. “Uh…” he stuttered, cursing himself immediately for how completely not-calm he sounded. “Well, er, I think that depends on a few things.”

When he didn’t continue, Steve cocked his head. “Those things being…?”

“Well… number one, I think it really depends on how, er, gay the men sharing the bed are. I think it’s perfectly reasonable for two straight men to share a bed and have it not be gay.”

“Alright…” Steve nodded slowly. “And the other things?”

“Well, that is to say, it depends on if there was any, you know… homoerotic interaction, if you will.”

Steve’s brow furrowed. “Homoerotic interaction?”

“Yeah, you know…” John was blushing furiously again. “Like… um, I think cuddling may be pushing it, but like… overt touching? That’s a bit gay.”

“Really,” Steve stated, looking contemplative. “Huh.”

“Uh… and like, you know, anything that’s intentionally sexual. That’s really gay.”

Steve just nodded, the paper weight still being tossed playfully between his two hands. “Okay,” he said thoughtfully.

John stared at him. “That… that’s it?” he demanded after a moment of silence. “You ask me that and, pfft! that’s it?! I’m going to need more than that, you bastard!”

Steve gaped at him. “Well, maybe that is it!” he replied defensively. “Maybe there’s nothing more to it!”

The Brit scoffed. “Are you fucking joking? I don’t buy that for a minute.”

The two regarded each other for a moment, a tense silence descending in the room.

“Fine!” Steve finally half-yelled, laughing. “Fine.” He jiggled his knee and stared at the paperweight lying heavily in his hands. “I… when we were really drunk, Jerry and I shared a bed.”

“You and Jerry?” John asked, feeling floored. Dave’s words came back to him once again.

“…there seems to be potential there…”

“Yeah,” Steve replied sheepishly. “I’m pretty sure it’s no big deal…” he trailed off.

“Really?” John asked, regarding his friend with a raised eyebrow. “No big deal? Then why were you asking how gay it was?”

Steve began fiddling with the paperweight again. “Well, there may have been… spooning.”

Both of John’s eyebrows shot into the fringe of his hair. “Spooning?” he asked dubiously.

Steve nodded hesitantly, the paperweight seemingly becoming more and more interesting. “And, uh, there may have been some, er… morning wood?”

This time, John did actually choke on his bagel. “Um… really?” he attempted to say nonchalantly. “That’s… interesting.”

There was an awkward silence again as both men looked elsewhere. “That’s…” Steve finally ventured uncomfortably, “that’s pretty gay, isn’t it?”

It became quiet again until John finally met his friend’s eyes. Once their gazes locked, both suddenly broke out into laughter. “Yes,” John managed to gasp out. “Just a little bit…”

“Oh God,” Steve groaned, a silly smile still on his face. “Is this a big deal?” he asked, looking sheepish.

“No,” John said dismissively, trying to actually be convincing. “I’m sure it’s uh… nothing…” He bit his lip as he reflected on Dave’s words once more.

“What?” Steve asked nervously. “You’ve got your thinking face. Why do you have your thinking face?”

John laughed before he rubbed his eyes tiredly. “Nothing, it’s… it’s just something Dave said…”

Steve quirked an eyebrow. “And that would be…?”

“Well…” It was now John’s turn to play with one of his paperweights. “He just, he was wondering if you two were, well… together.”

Steve blinked. “Really?” His brow furrowed again. “Huh.”

“Sorry,” John murmured nervously. “Should I have not said anything?”

“What? No,” Steve half-laughed, still looking a bit shocked. “I’m just… I’m not really sure what to think.”

“I’m sure it’s nothing,” John said hastily. “Nothing to reexamine your life over or anything,” he added, chuckling nervously.

Steve joined his nervous laughter, both of them fiddling with the objects in their hands. “Well,” the shorter man said, getting to his feet. “That was… enlightening?”

John got up and followed Steve to the door. “Jesus, I’m sorry if you feel weird now…” the Brit trailed off, rubbing the back of his neck.

“No, no,” Steve said dismissively, a small smile on his face. “You’re fine John.”

“So… you’re okay?”

“Yes,” Steve replied, the smile widening. “I’ll see you later, okay man?”

John gave him a playful shove out the door. “Alright, ya tosser, get out of here.”

Steve made his way across the room and, in full view of all of his students, called back, “Oh, right, and again: congratulations!”

Then he was gone, leaving John alone in front of the class.

“What was he congratulating you for?”

John wheeled around to face the teenagers. “For getting through another class period without killing anyone,” he answered haughtily before heading back to his office. “Now just finish the bloody video.”


Nate was ready. He was prepared. He was ready and prepared and, uh… ready. Nate was no longer a boy! He was a man. He was a man with a plan.

…No. No he wasn’t a man. He had no plan.

“Shit,” he muttered out loud, staring at himself in the bathroom mirror. “Shit, shit, shit.” He was so not prepared.

Ever since Friday, he’d been trying to breach the subject of Rob’s gayness. Suffice to say, it’d been insanely difficult. Even when his brother and Ed had finally come downstairs, both with massive bed head and Ed being shirtless on Saturday morning, he still had been too much of a pussy to actually ask if something was up between them.

To be honest, Nate felt like the whole thing was one big mindfuck. Didn’t they realize how completely opposite-of-subtle they were being? That, der, Nate could tell they had shared a bed last night. And, der, Ed had told Rob he loved him not ten feet away from Nate’s bedroom door so Nate had heard. What were they thinking?! Was it purposeful? Was it their goal to make Nate crazy?

Because it was sure as hell working. Nate’s brain was eating itself in anxiety, the knowledge that it was on him to bring the situation up weighing heavy on his shoulders.

He leaned on the sink, staring at the clogged drain and swirling water. “Fuck,” he whispered vehemently.

This was retarded. He just needed to spit it out! Word vomit. It was word vomit. And you know what happens when you don’t puke when you need to? It just makes you sicker.

Even when he and Rob had eaten alone on Saturday night before their parents had gotten home, Nate had shoved the lukewarm food into his mouth, feeling it stick in his throat as he tried to swallow dryly around it. The words seemed to stick there with his half-eaten chicken, refusing to be freed from his mouth. Rob had been fine of course… completely oblivious to the hell Nate was currently in. Yet… he still couldn’t say anything.

But this was Rob, for fuck’s sake. Rob. Rob was his brother. Rob had always been there for him. He should be able to tell Rob anything…

…Of course, Rob had also been the brother that had force-fed Nate handfuls of dirt as a child, had sat on his head and shoved beans up his nose, had forced him to kiss a dog’s asshole, and had beaten him up on more occasions than Nate would have liked to admit.

Nate had to face it. He was terrified of his brother. Sure, he loved him, but Rob was an unstable, egocentric jerk who was prone to bouts of violence. What didn’t he have to be afraid of?

He loves you, his brain told him. He won’t kick the shit out of you for telling him you know. Maybe he wants someone he can talk to!

But Nate knew that was just wishful thinking. Rob didn’t talk about feelings. That was pretty much a given. The only person he probably ever spoke to about such things was Ed and even that was iffy.

No, Nate had a pretty clear picture of what would happen if he told Rob.

“Hey Rob!” he would say. “I just happened to hear Ed say he loved you. And I’m pretty sure I’ve heard you guys have sex. Basically I know you’re gay.”

“HAH!” Rob would laugh. “YOU KNOW WHO’S GAY? YOU!”

Then there would be punching and both would repress the memory of the conversation forever, just like their parents taught them.

“Fuck,” Nate muttered again. Why couldn’t he just have a flaming gay brother? Then it would just be pointing out the obvious and a relief to have it out in the open.

Nate’s head perked up as he heard the bell ring. He sighed heavily. Now he had yet another awkward situation to deal with.

He headed out into the hall and was almost body-checked by Dane.

“Hey, asshole! Where the fuck have you been?” Dane laughed, giving Nate a noogie.

Nate immediately shoved him off in annoyance and brushed his hair back into place. “I was taking a shit,” he answered testily, hoisting his backpack back up. “Anything else you need to know?”

“Jesus,” Dane scoffed, “what crawled up your vagina today?”

“Nothing,” Nate replied, rubbing his eyes tiredly. “I just had a rough weekend.”

“Yeah, that party was awesome though,” Dane reflected as they walked side by side.

“Whoa, wait a second,” Nate stopped him. “You were there? What the fuck man?”

“Yeah, but you were like knocked out or whatever so I just hung out,” Dane answered flippantly. “What, does that bother you?”

Nate sighed through gritted teeth and continued walking. “No, I would just like to know if my friends were in my own fucking house.”

“Well, maybe you should go downstairs to your own fucking party next time,” Dane smirked.

“It wasn’t my fucking party,” Nate responded in irritation, “it was Rob’s fucking party.”

“Speaking of Rob,” Dane said, completely ignoring what his friend had said, “I saw him head upstairs with Ed.” The other boy wagged his eyebrows. “You think they were fucking?”

Nate felt all the blood drain from his face. “No,” he spat out defensively. “And if they were, it’s none of our business.” He continued to walk in a huff with a suspicious Dane trailing behind him.

“Oh my God,” his friend hissed, catching up to him. “Did you walk in on them or something?”

“No,” Nate shot back. “I didn’t. Mainly because there’s nothing to walk in on, asshole. Now can we please drop it?”

Dane deflated a bit and picked invisible lint off his shirt. “I was just wondering…” he muttered, a sulky pout on his face.

“Do you think Rocca’s going to be in?” Nate asked, changing the subject.

Dane shrugged apathetically and the two entered the classroom. Much to his relief, Nate didn’t spot Demetri. He had been trying not to think about the odd boy ever since the Great Tree Incident and, while not thinking about him, had been simultaneously hoping to avoid any further contact with him.

Dane elbowed him sharply. “Apparently Rocca’s not fired,” he whispered loudly. Nate looked up to see the gangly teacher enter the room. He wasn’t sure whether he felt glad or dismayed that the man was still teaching them. He guessed he was happy for Rocca but worried for the welfare of the overall student body.

While his eyes were affixed to their teacher, another sharp blow was leveled on his ribs. “Christ!” Nate hissed at Dane, rubbing his side. “What the fuck this time?”

“Your boyfriend’s here,” Dane smirked, gesturing toward the door.

Nate felt his face heat up as he glanced quickly in the direction Dane indicated. There was Demetri, looking as amused as ever. His eyes settled on Nate for a moment, a small smile flicking on his mouth before Nate dropped his gaze, the burning on his face becoming worse.

“What is with him?” Nate glanced over at Dane whose eyebrow was raised skeptically. “I mean, what’s so fucking funny all the time?”

Nate shrugged, opening his notebook nonchalantly. “I don’t know. The guy’s pretty weird.”

“Yeah, and pretty gay for you,” Dane sneered.

“Dane,” Nate replied patiently, “not everyone is as gay for me as you are. Stop forcing it.”

His friend rolled his eyes as Rocca launched into his lecture. As he hastily wrote his messy notes in the notebook before him, Nate fought the sudden sense of deja-vu that was washing over him.

He knew Demetri was staring at him. The back of his neck practically itched from it. Tapping his foot, Nate clamped down on the urge to turn around and look at the other boy. He honestly didn’t need yet another thing contributing to how crazy he was.

Suddenly a change in Rocca’s voice startled him out of his trance. “Partner up, people!” he called, shoving his glasses up. “Now, uhm, let’s try to avoid any more accidents!” The blond girl from the day before shot him a dirty look.

Nate glanced at Dane desperately but his friend just offered a smug shrug before turning to yet another girl. Gritting his teeth, Nate muttered a frustrated, “Bastard,” before chancing a glance over his shoulder.


He was just sitting there, waiting. No one else was attempting to partner with him and Nate knew the other boy was waiting specifically for him. The shaggy-haired kid looked up and grinned at Nate and, sighing in defeat, he apprehensively grabbed his stuff and trudged over to where Demetri was sitting.

“Uh… hey,” he murmured shyly, settling uneasily on the stool beside the other boy. “How was your weekend?”

“Fine,” Demetri answered sleepily. “How’s your head? You knocked it pretty bad.”

Nate sighed. So much for repressing those memories, he thought ruefully. “Uh… fine,” he responded weakly. “Um, about Friday… sorry about, you know, running away like a freak.”

“It’s no big deal,” Demetri said easily, the little amused smile still affixed to his face. “You were obviously upset. If I had known I had been propositioning you, I would have been a bit more delicate about it.”

The memory of his words hit Nate full-force, making his cheeks burn again. “Uh, yeah, about that…” He chuckled half-heartedly. “I… I didn’t actually think you were hitting on me. I’ve just been going through some, er… shit lately…”

“With your brother? That’s who Rob is, right?” Demetri asked idly as he leafed through their lab packet. Nate’s eyes shot up nervously.

“Uh… yeah.”

Demetri just nodded, skillfully mixing two of the chemicals together and scribbling down the answer before shifting the paper for Nate to copy. “So…” he said after a moment, glancing up with mischief in his eyes. “Who’s Ed?”

Nate nearly dropped the test tube he was holding. “Did I, uh, mention him?” he asked uncertainly.

“Yep,” Demetri replied happily, writing down yet another equation. “It had something to do with not being gay.”

Nate paused, the hand he was using to copy Demetri’s answers trembling slightly. “It’s…” he said softly. “It’s kind of a big, um… thing…” He glanced up to find Demetri looking at him seriously for the first time. He swallowed hard and focused on the paper again. “If… if you’d want to talk later I’d…” He wasn’t even sure what he was talking about. “I’d be cool with that,” he finished lamely. Had he just asked to talk to Demetri about Rob’s gayness? God, he was desperate.

Demetri’s smile was back when he looked up again. “Sure,” he answered nonchalantly. “That’s cool.”

Nate nodded, suddenly feeling like he could breathe for the first time in the last week. “Cool,” he said, trying to keep the relief out of his voice.

They did the rest of the lab in relative silence, with Demetri doing most of the real work while Nate copied what he wrote down and tried not to break anything. Soon, they were being let out of class early due to Rocca spilling some sort of biohazard of a chemical. They had to leave because of the health risk or probable death or something. Nate wasn’t really paying attention because he was finally going to get to talk to someone.

As they exited the classroom, Dane ignored Nate completely… an act that would normally bug the shit out of him but today he was grateful for. He could do without Dane’s sneer leering at him as he slipped off with Demetri.

The two walked in silence for a few moments, Demetri’s head held high, observing everything around them with the air of a curious cat. Nate, on the other hand, trudged next to him, hands shoved in his pockets with his eyes fixed on the ground. It was Demetri who spoke first.

“So,” he said quietly, glancing Nate’s way. “What’s up?”

Nate paused, scuffing the floor with one of his shoes. “Can… can we go somewhere more private?” he asked quietly, surveying the hall.

Demetri just nodded and they continued on as he led the way. He opened up a door, letting Nate inside before shutting it after himself. He nodded to a teacher going through some papers. The woman greeted him with a small smile before Demetri made his way into another smaller room. It was dark save for a red light.

“What is this place?” Nate asked, head swimming from the odd strong smell that filled the room.

“It’s a dark room,” Demetri told him calmly, pulling up a stool and offering it to the other boy before settling on the ground. “For developing pictures. I’ve been doing it for years… since I was homeschooled I’d come here to do my photography.”

“So… wait,” Nate murmured, looking about the room in wonder. “Which of these are your’s?”

Demetri gave a small smile, looking almost shy. “Most of them,” he admitted. “Most of the other students use the other room. The photography teacher pretty much only lets me use this one.”

Nate peered closely at some of the prints. There were black and white shots of benches and an old man’s hands, a close-up of the tendrils of a kind of flower Nate didn’t recognize, and a brilliant shot of some mountain during a lightening storm. Nate was quietly impressed, feeling completely uncreative by comparison.

“Um… cool,” he said feebly, feeling unable to express how cool it really was.

“Basically,” Demetri said, the only indication that he had heard Nate being the slight twinkle in his eye, “we won’t be disturbed. So… what’s the problem?”

“There’s not really a problem… per say,” Nate countered weakly. “I’ve just… it’s my brother.”

“You think he’s gay,” Demetri stated bluntly.

Nate blinked at him, knowing he must look stupid with the way he was gaping. “How… how did you know that?”

Demetri smiled, only this time he looked a little sad. “I figured since you were shrieking about not being gay and not being Rob might just mean that you think Rob’s gay.” He smiled a little mischievously again, the red light reflecting in his eyes. “Or I could always be wrong.”

Nate examined his hands. “Yeah,” he said quietly. “That’s…that’s pretty much it.”

“And Ed’s his, uh… boyfriend?” Demetri asked shyly.

Nate sighed despairingly and dropped his head in his hands. “I guess?” he groaned. “I have no idea. See, Ed and Rob have been friends since, well, since before I can remember. But lately… lately things have gotten weird. Ed sleeps over all the time and Rob gets all panicky but then they’ll, like, disappear and suddenly be all cool again.” Nate’s voice had dropped to a whisper, his cuticles becoming the most interesting thing in the room. “And then… and then on Friday… I heard them talking outside my room. Basically, Ed was drunk, and… and he said ‘I love you’ to Rob.” He pressed the heels of his hands into his sockets. “And not in a ‘I’m drunk and I love you, man’ kind of way but in a… ‘I want to do you and have lots of babies together’ kind of way.”

He paused and chuckled humorlessly. “The sad thing is, I know I could just never mention knowing and I’d never have to talk about it again. Rob… Rob doesn’t talk about things. I can’t imagine him ever, you know, coming out. So it’s… it’s up to me. But I’m a pussy and can’t do it.”

Demetri nodded, looking contemplative. “Well… you haven’t known for that long. You should give yourself a break for not saying anything.”

“Well, it would be different if I actually knew what to say!” Nate cried desperately, getting up from the stool and pacing the small space. “Instead I just… I feel like I have no idea as to how to deal with this. It sucks. It just sucks.” He flopped onto the stool again. He didn’t feel relieved like he had been hoping he would… he just felt deflated. “Anyway,” he continued, sounding flat to even his own ears. “Sorry for flipping a shit on you the other day. I’ve been a little… stressed.”

“Hey,” Demetri murmured quietly, “don’t worry about it. I figured something else was bothering you.”

“It’s just…” Nate heard himself sputtering out, “it’s just… you sort of remind me of Ed, okay? And it… it freaked me out. That’s… that’s why. Yeah.” He played with the strap of his backpack nervously. “Sorry.”

Demetri was smiling slightly again. “Just talk to him, Nate,” he said softly, looking up at him kindly. “The worst that could happen is that he could freak out and run into a tree.”

Nate stared at him for a moment before barking out a laugh, rubbing his eyes in fatigue. “Thanks for the advice.” It was then that the ending bell rang, startling both boys.

“Well, I guess that’s the end of the day,” Demetri said brightly from the floor. “Give me a hand?” Nate hesitated for a second before grabbing the other boy’s outstretched hand, trying not to focus on the texture of his skin sliding against his own with calloused fingertips.

Once Demetri was upright, Nate let go quickly and was grateful for the red light that hid the blush on his face. As they headed out in silence, Demetri regarded him again. “Keep me updated on the situation, okay?” he said quietly, winking at Nate. “I hope things start to look up.” With that, he headed off in the opposite direction, leaving Nate standing mutely on his own.

“Um… thanks!” he called after him awkwardly. But he was gone and Nate was left to search for his brother and most likely continue to not talk to him.



Tune in next time for perhaps the arrival of a long-awaited character, some other new characters getting introduced, and possibly some Rob/Ed lovin’ (I haven’t decided yet).

ENDNOTE: And we’re back to normal chapters! I know I said I’d be moving faster with the flow of time, but we all know that I’m chock full-o-boo-hockey. Also, I've found about a billion typos/errors so if you find any, let me know. The sickness is killing my ability to proofread. Anyway, I always enjoy writing Nate more than pretty much anyone so I’m fairly pleased with this. As always, drop me a line if you’re new and friend if you so desire. Turns out I’m not getting a 3rd job so I’ll be a 9-5 kind of gal, thus leaving the writing world open for me! Huzzah. I hope everyone’s exams are going well.

Disclaimer: Any similarity between the fictional version of the person portrayed here and the actual persons is purely coincidental. This is a work of fiction. This is not an attempt to defame the character of said person on the basis of libel, as the work is FICTIONAL (and NOT an intently false statement created with the express purpose of misleading others about the actual character of said person).

Any mention of 'The Daily Show', 'The Colbert Report', 'Viacom', any associated entities, or any copyrighted material pertaining therein is reasonably protected by the Fair Use Rule of the United States Copyright Act of 1976 and is not intended to infringe upon any copyrighted material.
18th-May-2007 08:53 am (UTC)
So, what is it with you and your ability to make me fall in love with people I'm already moony over but not them really, their high school incarnations? Because your Demetri...is adorable. Is the long awaited character Anderson, by any chance? Oh, and I never got to thank you for that chapter all that time ago when you set Ann Coulter on fire, so I'll do it now. Thank you! Sorry, this is a crap comment but let me just add that Nate is hilarious, Steve/Jerry spooning sounds so sweet, and I vote for more Rob/Ed in the next chapter, if you're taking votes.

PS I feel since you're always looking for females to add to this universe, how about the obvious seducitive older woman, Jane Fonda? Creepy, I know, but I feel there's potential.

PPS More apologize for the oddness of this comment. Shouldn't read or write this late but...blah. This was lovely, though.
20th-May-2007 01:22 am (UTC)
I'm glad you find Demetri adorable... I'm kind of in love with him myself :-)

I refuse to give away who the character is! NO AMMOUNT OF BRIBERY AND/OR BLACKMAIL WILL MAKE ME! Nyahahahha....

The Ann Coulter was a random moment of inspired genius so thanks for appreciating it. Hee... And that wasn't a crap comment! Perish the thought, silly cabbage head.

PS. YOU ARE A GENIUS. Like, not even lying. Is it sad that it didn't even occur to me to include her? Now I just need to figure out the perfect job for her... WAIT, I THINK I JUST THOUGHT OF IT. Yesssss... I'm excited now. And am resisting the urge to cackle evilly again.

PPS. It's not odd! Hush. I love your comments. Their long and make me feel special. Also, I'm not one to judge the oddness of others.
18th-May-2007 09:18 am (UTC)
EEEEEEEEE. okay, i never ever though that i would root for Steve/Jerry but i totally am. also, really like Nate's POV. AND YOUR DEMETRI IS WONDERFUL. just a little odd, and really endearing. and your Dane Cook is hilarious in a near-total-dick sort of way.

i also second the motion for more Ed/Rob.

*hopes for some Jon/Stephen soon*
20th-May-2007 01:30 am (UTC)
Yeah, Jerry/Steve is seriously the most random pairing I've ever written (though not the oddest I've ever read/imagined) so it's kind of shocking to see how big of a response they get as a couple.

Nate is insanely fun to write. He's like the boy form of freshman me... which is weird. I just love how awkward he is. I hope I didn't make Dane too much of a dick... I love his stand-up but I honestly think he would have been a really obnoxious teenager.

Wow, I'm getting a lot of votes for the Ed/Rob love. I guess I haven't made them have sex in random places for a while, have I?

As for Jon/Stephen... YA'LL NEED SOME PATIENCE. Except I already have their "getting together" scene completely written in my head and I'm impatient to get to it, so I guess I can't feel that hassled.
18th-May-2007 10:56 am (UTC)
You know what I love about you (besides this whole damn story)? The voices of your characters are so distinct and so dead on. Especially in the John and Steve part, I could hear them perfectly.

Another vote for more Ed/Rob (and Jon/Stephen)
20th-May-2007 01:33 am (UTC)
Honestly, it's really nice to hear that I've gotten the voices right. Sometimes I get paranoid that everyone sounds the same so thanks for helping me fight my neurosis!

Another vote? Jeezy creezy. I'm feeling the pressure... Of course, if I didn't write about them it wouldn't be the first time I totally disregarded my readers' pleas ;-)
(Deleted comment)
20th-May-2007 01:36 am (UTC)
Ah, J-Pop. So many times I have heard of them from afar and now they beat out my pairing! Damn you, pretty Japanese men!

Eh, sleep is for losers. I never get it, hence my insane coolness. Or, uh... not.
18th-May-2007 02:08 pm (UTC)
You have made my birthday complete. I'm so glad you posted another chapter.

Fast Times at NAMBLA High is quite possibly the only high school AU in any fandom worth reading.
20th-May-2007 01:38 am (UTC)
HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Hooray you :-)

Yes! I WIN THE INTERWEBS! NYAHAHAHAHA!!!! *clutches self-made award possesively with shifty eyes*

18th-May-2007 02:34 pm (UTC)
*squeeeeeeeee* Ooooh this makes up for the shortness of last chapter! It was awesome! Steve! John! Nate! Demitri! ZOMG! Anyway, “You’ve got your thinking face. Why do you have your thinking face?” cracks me up because that's exactly what my friend said to me the other day. Hehehehe.
20th-May-2007 01:42 am (UTC)
The "thinking face" thing is actually something I say all the time. But with all different kinds of words like "lying face", "angry face", uh... etc. I'm really tired so examples are not my strong point... neither are words. Okay, I'm going to stop writing now.

18th-May-2007 03:08 pm (UTC)
Demetri and Nate are probably most definately my favorites in here XD But I'm all for more Rob/Ed or even more Jon/Stephen? XD AND could the long awaited character be Anderson or even... JOHN HODGEMAN??? (he was on the show last night and I LITERALLY SCREAMED XD I love him so much<3)

and I actually have a take-home final to be writing, but this fic>>>>>>grade making paper any day)
20th-May-2007 01:47 am (UTC)
Number one: your icon is AMAZING. I'm so glad I'm not the only pervy one who slashed those two.

Number two: finals are dumb. You know who liked finals? HITLER. I was going to make a lame joke about "yeah finals... FINAL SOLUTION" but I'm refraining.

Number three: could it be Anderson? Could it be John? Could it be neither? OR COULD IT JUST BE BOTH??

...I'm not telling. BWAHAHAHA!
18th-May-2007 04:05 pm (UTC)
Woot for an update! Ah the John and Steve discussion was great, John's teaching style reminds me of a choir director I had in high school, no really it does! Only that director was not nearly as cool nor as painfully British. ^_^ I do love your nate so very much I'm glad that a good portion of this chapter was devoted to him and his feelings about the rob/ed situation. Demetri is fantastic and you've written them in such as way that I could so ship Demetri/Nate and that is a pairing that never would have occurred to me ever.

Congrats on being a 9-5er without a third job, that is if you're happy to be third jobless ^_^

As always love that you updated this fic. It's definitely one of my favorites and always makes my day when I see that it's been updated.
20th-May-2007 01:52 am (UTC)
Actually, John has evolved into a combination of my church chior director and high school band teacher. It's scary, actually.

I would have never thought of Demetri/Nate either, to be honest. But during the cracked-out hours that I conceived this thing, it made sense. And I stick to my guns.

No, no, I'm happy about being 9-5. I originally wanted a third job but then my sister called me a... what was it? Ah yes... a "masochistic moron", so I changed my mind when I decided she was right.

Wee, I'm glad you like it! I love the people who read this. You all are so nice :-)
18th-May-2007 05:19 pm (UTC)
that was great.
i can't wait for new characters!
ashley and i were discussing when you were gonna add pur lovely magical silvery-haired unicorn, hopefully.

can't wait for more, but i'm sure i'll find something to do in the meantime.
20th-May-2007 01:58 am (UTC)

That analogy made more sense in my brain than written out. Oh well!


...I'm not bitter or anything. And I don't, uh, stalk your eljay and get disgustingly jealous. All I have to say is FUCK middle-America and how celebrity-less it is! ARGH. My hometown is worthless.
18th-May-2007 05:31 pm (UTC)
And yeah. Just..yeah. John? You should embrace the 12-year-old girl within, man...do it, you know you wanna. Steve..aww..adorable!Panda Steve..and awkward..that's better, man..'cause if I got another Sad!Panda I swear to Vishnu I would have come there and smack you on the back of the head.
The Wall is fucking amazing. And I had a teacher who always on the last week of school, every year, made us see it. It was amazing when we were like 11 and just discovering music. *swoons with nostalgia*
I love your Nate so much, and normally I don't go for him..don't know why. But in here? I fucking love him! And Demetri..you sweet amazing kid.
Aw..I hope you feel better hon and bring me more updates. Kidding. But yeah, feel better and hooray for not over working the summer away
20th-May-2007 02:03 am (UTC)
Everyone should embrace their inner 12-year-old girl. Lord knows I have.

I promised sadpanda!Steve was ending, didn't I? Oh ye of little faith. I'm not that cruel.

I watched The Wall in an English class for someone's project... other than that it was all Newsies and Amadeus for our chorus class.

I'm in love with both Nate and Demetri, thus making writing them fun for me. Wee...

Yeah, I'm feeling better thank goodness. The puking was killing me. Hopefully I'll be posting more soon!
18th-May-2007 06:43 pm (UTC)
The only typos I caught: "your's" should be "yours", twice.

…No. No he wasn’t a man. He had no plan.


I'm glad we're shifting gears from the angst of the last chapter. I like this story best when it's cheerful and ridiculous =D
20th-May-2007 02:10 am (UTC)
Argh. I knew my impaired brain wouldn't catch such things. Now I just need to find them...

Yeah, cheerful/ridiculous are much more fun to write! Except, of course, when I'm feeling all doomy and gloomy. Oh well!

THANKS FOR READING! And helping my story not suck with typos.
18th-May-2007 07:54 pm (UTC)
So that new character (Anderson), um.. can't wait to see what he (Anderson) will be up to, and um, who he'll (Anderson) will be flirting with (everyone). *cough* Pardon my not so subliminal begging.
This was so great, and fun, and Demetri/Nate! *love*
And you're still holding out on the Jon/Stephen. *cries* I'm a roller coaster of emotion. Damn you! =)
20th-May-2007 02:19 am (UTC)
STOP GUESSING. It makes being mysterious and enigmatic all the harder.

I will keep the rollercoaster going, dammit! I am that evil. However, every other pairing will move much more quickly. Just, you know, fyi. I like to placate the masses somehow!

18th-May-2007 09:57 pm (UTC)
Demetri/Nate is so completely adorable :)

So, I freak out every time I see that this has been updated, btw. I'm going to knock myself out one day or something.
20th-May-2007 02:22 am (UTC)
I'm kiiiiind of in love with them... yeah.

Haha! Well, hopefully you'll regain consciousness in time to read the next part once I actually write/post it. THANKS FOR READING!
19th-May-2007 04:36 am (UTC)
YAY DEMETRI! And Rob! I love those guys in this fic.
20th-May-2007 02:23 am (UTC)

Sorry... I have no constructive response. THANKS FOR READING!
19th-May-2007 04:58 am (UTC)
“HAH!” Rob would laugh. “YOU KNOW WHO’S GAY? YOU!”

Haaaa! He SO WOULD!

I'm glad you're enjoying writing Nate becausehe's *awesome* and the more you enjoy this, the more we all do. This is clearly a story born of love. And a lot of crack. Probably mostly crack. Maybe a love of crack?

In any case, you win. Liek whoa.
21st-May-2007 06:46 pm (UTC)
I kind of have a HUGE crush on my version of Nate... which is only mildly weird. I mean, I've fallen in love with plenty of fictional characters but never really an AU fictional version of a real person. Bizaaaaaarre.

Maybe love while on crack? Also the love of crack. Mmm. Crack.

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